tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89060973537260009462024-02-20T03:26:46.609-08:00Weight A Minute!!Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.comBlogger111125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-87841818159041433602012-02-12T14:56:00.000-08:002012-02-12T14:56:42.012-08:00When you put limits on treatment..........you end up putting limits on your recovery....and your LIFE!<br />
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I was speaking to students and faculty at a local college this past week, and one of the points I made, as I attempted to help educate them as future health care professionals; was how important it is to never minimize the seriousness of an eating disorder.<br />
I thought of how many times I myself, while in the throes of this deadly illness, kept telling myself that 'tomorrow', I would change, and it would all be better. Of course, I had countless ways to rationalize and convince myself that I would finally 'do it', and I think at times, I believed it. I felt desperate, yet, also, set on not needing 'treatment', and believing that I had to be strong and 'just do it'. I did this for over 30 years, and I will never have those years back.<br />
I run across people every day who regret not getting help sooner, and who feel guilty because they couldn't do it on their own. I understand that. But I also know that the sooner a person allows themselves to admit they cannot make the necessary decisions to recover on their own, the more of their life they will have to truly live. <br />
<b><u>MINIMIZING OR RATIONALIZING WHAT IS NECESSARY IS A SYMPTOM OF THE DISORDER </u></b>{yes, it's in the diagnostic criteria!}<br />
Most people who suffer with an eating disorder worry about what other people think, or 'will' think if they seek treatment. There is no way that the people in their lives don't already know what is going on....usually. And if certain people don't already know, they certainly will, once the disorder causes the person to be completely dysfunctional. There is something about an eating disorder that causes the person suffering to believe that they will somehow be the one who doesn't have a heart attack, renal failure or sudden death. It doesn't work that way.<br />
Full recovery is possible, but not without finally surrendering to those who truly know how to help, and being willing to do WHATEVER it takes to never have the eating disorder again. I had to commit to that, probably a hundred times or more, but had I continued to try to tailor my treatment to 'what I would do', and 'what I wouldn't do', in terms of willingness, I would be dead by now. I have NO doubt about that.<br />
An eating disorder serves a purpose; or else no one would ever develop one. But there is a point where it's only purpose is to destroy. Is it really worth not feeling, hiding away, being in constant pain {physical and emotional}, and literally losing moments, days, weeks, and years of your life to hold onto some tiny aspect that offers {distorted} peace?<br />
The truth is, the surrender involved in recovery offers rewards that cannot be seen until it's done.....and each day offers more.<br />
What are you holding onto; and what are you sacrificing for that control?<br />
An active eating disorder and LIFE are not compatible. The longer you wait to choose, the less of one you will experience.<br />
Which one will it be?<br />
Without apology.....♥<br />
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<br />Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-40269016133258775672012-01-14T12:29:00.000-08:002012-01-14T12:29:10.540-08:00What RULES your life?How do you know what is 'right' when everything is 'wrong'?<br />
If you could count how many times you 'should' yourself every day, would you be shocked? Probably. <br />
What about those days when everything seems to be a challenge, and you don't think you can take one more problem? <br />
"What am I doing wrong?"<br />
"It's all my fault."<br />
"I deserve to be sad, unhappy or [hungry]"<br />
Do any of these sound familiar?<br />
What about........<br />
"I know I will make a mistake. There is no use in trying."<br />
"I forgot to call my friend back last night. I am a terrible friend, forgetful, and not worth anyone spending time with. "<br />
"My perfect score on the exam was just luck."<br />"No one called me back about the job. They hate me and I will never be hired."<br />
"If I am not chosen to attend the seminar, I will ever have another opportunty."<br />
"My entire family hates me because I have never done anything right."<br />
These are examples of 'cognitive distortions'. When the internal (and often external) messages you send yourself are extreme, and often stem from negative beliefs or perspectives about yourself. <br />
These messages most often greatly affect the quality of your life. <br />
I was a victim of getting caught up in more than one of these, often for long periods of time. <br />
Much of the time it centered around my core belief that I was a 'bad' person, and that I deserved to <br />
be punished. Good/bad, right/wrong, and should/shoudn't, were the rules I lived by. They were not chosen rules, but rules that I truly felt sentenced to; as a life term. <br />
It is much too complex to explain right here, but once I decided to allow myself to 'choose' what rules to follow, and what I truly believed, the anger, resentment and frustration began to melt away. I began to respect myself and others more, and I let go of the guilt and fear that I had felt for most of my life.<br />
Ahh......in the midst of this process I could not see, nor could I even imagine things ever being better or even different. There is true beauty in hindsight. <br />
Life is not fair. This is one I will always struggle with. When 'normal' pains and losses in life occur, I find myself trying to balance it all again. No longer is it about punishing myself, or is it related to eating or food. But I often find that I must again evaluate who I am in the bigger picture, and what meaning it all has for me. I don't have to always be happy or like the way I feel. <br />
I simply need to keep going.<br />
Without apology.....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-57872003673762710462011-12-04T06:02:00.001-08:002011-12-04T06:42:34.799-08:00Goals for the Holidays<span style="background-color: white; color: blue;">"Don't let the past steal your present."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: blue;"><em>-Terri Guillemets</em></span><br />
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Who has time to think about setting goals for the Holidays? How many of us are use to simply "getting through" them without having a breakdown, or without others seeing how overwhelmed we are?<br />
The Holiday season can be stressful for almost anyone, but if you are struggling with an eating disorder, or fighting for recovery, you are likely even more worried and stressed about the expectations of the season. I would ask, "whose expectations are you trying to live up to?"<br />
We all have family traditions that we may or may not enjoy, for any number of reasons. I have found that by focusing on the aspects of those experiences that are basic and meaningful, they are much more enjoyable, and I don't spend the three months prior to December, dreading the Holidays. Many of the activities and gatherings during the Holiday season seem to be "all about food", but I don't think that's so true. Anyone who struggles with an eating disorder, in the mindset of fear of eating, fear of not eating, etc., tends to make it all about food by the focus they put on it in their own minds.<br />
Flexibility is a beautiful thing to consider. What are the 'rules' that you have, that prevent you from finding joy and meaning in your Holiday experiences? Which ones can you challenge or let go of for this period of time; or do they even serve you anymore (did they ever?) <br />
Can you identify certain messages that you adhere to that are only self-critical, and that are based on rigidity and perfectionistic expectations?<br />
I wasted many many years and opportunities for joy by dreading the Holidays for reasons that were only related to worry about eating and food. I missed a lot of 'moments' that I can never have back. <br />
At this time of my life there are other memories and recent grief that causes me to feel many painful emotions, but I will never allow myself to miss out of the joy 'in the moment' ever again. <br />
Are your goals for this Holiday season based on joy and experience, or are you full of dread and fear to simply "get through"? What can you do to bring the focus back to what is really important?<br />
Without apology....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-32333839785381527362011-11-28T14:33:00.000-08:002011-11-28T18:32:53.046-08:00How much do WE dictate our own experiences?<div>
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<span style="color: #3333ff;">"When we put a limit on what we can do; we put a limit on what we can do"</span></div>
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<span style="color: #3333ff;"> -<i>Charles <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Schwab</span></i></span></div>
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Seems simplistic, eh? But how many times in an average day, do your own 'limiting thoughts' predict what you do in that day? How much do we limit our own experiences, yet then blame our unhappiness or negative experiences on others?</div>
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We can always find something 'wrong', or something (or someone) we would like to change. </div>
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But how much effort is put into that evaluation, and the wish to change someone or something?</div>
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For myself, it brings up a lot of 'angst', and I find that my own experience is greatly compromised in the promise. </div>
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I have to let some things go. Life isn't fair, and all things will never be as I want them. I can choose to worry and fret (and complain), which takes a lot of my precious energy and joy; OR, I can choose to stop judging everything for it's good/bad status, and be grateful for the amazing things I have in my life! And I have much to be grateful for!!</div>
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In the grand scheme of things, may things could be different or better, in terms of what is right. But for today, which is ALL that I have in this moment, what really matters?</div>
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I don't like who I am when I focus on balancing it all out. I don't like how I feel, or how I treat other people. And I definitely don't like how it all impacts my daily experience. </div>
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The past 6-8 months have been very difficult for me. My own mortality has once again, been clarified for me with my Mother's passing. </div>
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Without 'forgetting' my pain or the emotions I feel, I can still choose to be grateful for the wonderful people in my life, my health, my job , and most of all, for my dear husband, who makes my mere existence beautiful ♥.</div>
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I already feel more peaceful.</div>
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Without apology......♥</div>
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</div>Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-82256535114033530442011-09-05T11:05:00.000-07:002011-09-05T11:42:13.054-07:00Emotional Honesty: The Key to Healthy RelationshipsThe topic of relationships came up in a group last week, and it became obvious very quickly that this topic is very complex. After thinking about it in relation to planning my topics for the support group, I came to a conclusion.<br />Emotional Honesty is the key to any healthy relationship.<br />It is also the key to feeling peace and less fear in your daily life. This, at least, has been my experience.<br />What is emotional honesty? The meaning is pretty easy; carrying it out is the difficult task.<br />For myself, learning to be emotionally honest was an involved process. I had to challenge many fears, including the fear of being rejected, unloved, criticized, or WRONG.<br />But first I had to gain an awareness of my emotions, because I had hidden them and denied them for most of my life.<br />Ultimately, this goes back to changing the way you cope with life, emotional distress and challenges. Or rather, deciding to face these things instead of running away [in many ways].<br />Uncovering those deep emotions inside, along with the values that coincide with the thought processes, is probably the most complex, but also the most rewarding aspect of this.<br />The 'how' of this is unique to every person, but my professional advice is that no one does this without the guidance of a therapist.<br />Being able to be emotionally honest means that you don't have to tailor your comments or actions to the specific person you are with, or the situation you are in. YOU are YOU, and that never needs to change. It's about trusting the core of who you are, and not shrinking back from what you believe in; regardless of whether others agree.<br />Emotional honestly pertains to your relationship to yourself as well. Can you accept your imperfections and keep moving forward?<br />This is not about vanity or over-confidence. There is humility in being emotionally honest as well. Can you admit your mistakes and apologize without beating yourself up?<br />The opposite of emotional honesty is isolation, paranoia, manipulation and secrets that hold a great deal of pain.<br />Approaching relationships with an open mind, an open heart, and confidence that you can be YOU without compromising yourself will reap you many rewards.<br />Without the component of emotional honesty, no one benefits. I learned the hard way.<br />Without apology.....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-91623333879461783622011-09-03T11:48:00.000-07:002011-09-03T12:26:20.581-07:00Every day is a New BeginningSome may consider the title to be a bit 'idealistic', but this is how I have learned to live my life. Truly. There are always changes, challenges and frustrations that come with daily life. We cannot avoid them. I am grateful that I no longer feel the need to try to escape the daily ups and downs, and that I actually look forward to learning from those moments that force me to think [outside of the box]
<br />The last four months have presented me with some exceptionally challenging and painful situations. I have had to accept that with the passing of time comes loss, and the resulting situations are painful. My Mother's short illness of seven weeks prior to her death has left me feeling a myriad of emotions.
<br />I regret that I have learned as much if not more about my parents after their death than I did during the entire time that they were living.
<br />As I move through these emotions, I am realizing that this 'ending' is not unlike a beginning.
<br />The phases that come with the passing of time contain both endings and beginnings. I don't have to like the 'plan', or even understand it. What I have chosen to do is to keep moving forward.
<br />I believe that there are opportunities for new beginnings for us all. I have found that with my recovery from an eating disorder, my eyes have been opened more fully.
<br />Life is bigger, brighter and overall more full.
<br />I am currently walking into new opportunities in every phase of my life. The Recovery Support Group is beginning a new session, and I am excited about the new format and topics!
<br />The 'outreach' aspect of my job title continues to grow, and I am noticing a new perspective in my message. I no longer feel the need to define recovery [for myself], as I am simply living my life. The fact that I know what an eating disorder 'feels' like, and I have moved beyond that in all ways, is not my identity, but rather a chapter in my book.
<br />The first meeting of the support group will focus on life goals, and how these relate to the development of personal identity.
<br />Perhaps you would want to ask yourself, "How well do my life goals fit into my plan for recovery, and how well does my recovery fit <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">with</span> my life goals?"
<br />Every day holds new beginnings. Are you keeping your eyes open to see them?
<br />Without apology....♥
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<br />Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-8783790884285905272011-07-24T12:53:00.000-07:002011-07-24T12:55:05.629-07:00"BAD Body Image";The emotional connectionBecause so many people struggle with the aspect of body image and the discomfort of how they 'feel' in their bodies, I thought I would bring this up for discussion.<br />For myself, coming to terms and putting this aspect of the eating disorder and recovery behind me, definitely took the longest.<br />Hindsight has been my best teacher, no doubt, and I'd like to share some of things I have come to realize and understand.<br />The 'fat' feelings and hatred for my body came directly from how I equated myself to how I looked. And how I saw myself was all connected to not believing I was worthy, loveable or even 'nice'....let alone someone who people would accept. Acceptance and fear of rejection, to me, was all centered around how I believed others 'saw' me, quite literally.<br />My self-confidence and self-esteem were directly entwined with how I saw and felt about my body.<br />I started challenging my beliefs first by noticing when I 'felt' more uncomfortable, and then I would literally 'tell' myself that it wasn't truly physical, but it was emotional. Then, I asked myself what am I feeling, and what am I holding in, and not expressing? I couldn't always answer that, but interrupting the process helped me to separate my physical discomfort from my thoughts. Eventually, whether I could come to a clear conclusion or not about what was going on, simply reminding myself that my discomfort was emotional in nature, helped me to move on and not engage in symptoms or self-degradation because of it.<br />I also began challenging my beliefs that people would reject me, which had held me captive for many many years. I expected to be shunned, but the beautiful thing was, I never was! The more I challenged this, and proved my beliefs wrong, the more confident I became.<br />This increase in self-acceptance and confidence helped me tremendously. I no longer feel the body discomfort. I do not equate my identity to my body or shape. And I approach life and it's experiences with my eyes wide open. If anyone has a problem with that, it's not my concern.<br />Without apology....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-11459658925142011762011-06-18T13:00:00.001-07:002011-06-18T15:23:35.087-07:00Scales don't 'fit' into Recovery!If you notice the picture above, you will see one of the creative results of a recent peer-run group. If you look closely, you can see that there are four sections, which, when all fit together, form the shape of the 'Recovery' symbol.<br />It was a hot day, we went outside with a bathroom scale and a large hammer. One by one, each person took their turn by throwing, hammering, and stomping on the scale. The intention was to destroy it, piece by piece, and to parallel the act of destroying the scale with tearing down the power that the scale has had over so many people who are suffering from an eating disorder (and many people overall, in our society today).<br />It was interesting to hear how therapeutic this way for many of these people, as a way to get some of their pent up anger released.<br />Once all of the pieces of the scale were gathered up, we went to another location, split the group as a whole into four sections, each one taking one of the sections to personalize. The idea was to 'picture' how a scale cannot fit into recovery, by gluing pieces of the broken scale around the recovery symbol, while also writing inspirational quotes or phrases inside the symbol itself. Once the pieces were fit together again, some additional things were written inside the symbol that 'fit' into recovery.<br />The four pieces will be mounted so that the project in it's entirety can be hung inside the River Centre Clinic in a prominent location.<br />The consensus of those who participated was that physically breaking apart the scale was a very powerful experience, and that being free to express anger toward the eating disorder in a very tangible way was therapeutic. One person mentioned that seeing the 'numbers' as a piece of paper, that could be simply torn apart, helped her to realize how she does not want a piece of paper to determine her worth.<br />All in all, everyone agreed that this activity held a lot of meaning for them, and they expressed pride in the finished product.<br />I plan to do this project on a regular basis as the 'community' at the River Centre Clinic constantly changes.<br />We have a lot of useless scales to smash!<br />Without apology....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-65236150550360242312011-04-24T10:59:00.000-07:002011-04-24T11:36:47.753-07:00BALANCE and SAFETYYou know how, when you wake in the morning, your brain kicks into high gear, and the 'balancing' game begins?<br />Before your feet hit the floor, you already have your day's food and activity mapped out in your head. All planned. Even. One balances the other out. Safety....right?<br />The phone rings. You are asked to help out with your nephew while your sister goes to the doctor...oh no. That means you can't eat 'your' food for lunch. You will probably have to eat something 'unknown' in front of others, unless you can avoid it all together. Just to be sure, safe, all balanced out.....you do 5 extra miles on the treadmill or you do 200 extra crunches. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ahh</span>.....safe again.<br />What about that doctor's appointment? The nurse is going to weigh you. Can you ask her not to tell you? But she will know, and what will she think? Better not eat breakfast, or drink anything. Maybe an extra hour of exercise or 10 more laxatives will balance it all out. Or......you know you have lost weight since your last visit. What to say? You will have to drink 3 glasses of water and try to get by with leaving your shoes on while they weigh you....they are clueless anyway, right?<br />Yet, maybe they should know you lost weight. Maybe they will think it's a good thing. They certainly don't know how much you are struggling, or that it's a 'real' problem. Maybe you don't really need to see the doctor....you cancel the appointment until you can figure out how to balance it all out.<br />It's Wednesday. You know the weekend is full of activity and meals out with others. You know you will be unable to exercise and you will be 'forced' to eat foods that you don't want, and more of it. For the three days prior, you do twice the amount of exercise and take twice the number of laxatives to be sure that the weekend balances things out. You will be 'caught up' before it even starts. In the end, you end up eating less than you would have on your own plan and you exercise those days anyway.<br />It's never enough. It never balances out. The fear is always there that you won't be 'prepared', and then what?<br /><br />Is any of this familiar to you? How much time do you spend calculating and balancing your life, your food, your activity, etc., in order to feel 'safe'? What are you missing during that time? The laughter of your child? Watching a hummingbird in your yard? An opportunity to laugh, to feel the sun on your face, or to smile into your elderly Mother's eyes?<br />I did this for many years...for over 3 decades. I can't even imagine the emotional energy I wasted on trying to make it all 'balance' out. But I can see what I missed. I now know I was running from, or avoiding FEELING the true pain and joy of life. Either end of the spectrum frightened me.<br />I attempted to meet up to others' expectations, yet I was sacrificing my own identity in the process. I believed that by keeping others happy I would be safe, when in fact, it nearly killed me several times.<br />Today is Easter Sunday, 2011. I was thinking this morning about how free I am. I began to remember some of the scenarios that I described above, and how imprisoned I was by my own mindset. I cannot remember any day that was not a complicated balancing act in my mind.<br />Of course I didn't realize at the time just how narrow my life had become.<br />What changed it for me? It was another kind of fear, at a much greater level.<br />My 'aha' moment was many combined moments, of pain and fear and grief. When my17yo son was killed, my life was changed forever. These changes led me to search for answers, and in the process I found my life.<br />What has been, or will be your 'aha' moment?<br />Think about your 'balancing' act, and is it working for you? What are you sacrificing in the process?<br />Carry out your experience, and ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that will happen if I don't 'balance' today out?" And....where is my current plan leading?<br /><br />Without apology....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-80227183188119614652011-03-14T03:46:00.000-07:002011-03-26T13:01:49.230-07:00COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS: The Ten Forms of Self Defeating Thoughts<div></div>I thought I would share a bit some information that I have found to be very helping in the process of increasing self-awareness, which is critical during recovery from an eating disorder. I'd love to know if any of you can identify with these, and how you have replaced them with healthy and more rational ways of thinking.....<br /><br />1) All or nothing-thinking (Black/White thinking)<br />When you see every situation as all or nothing. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure.<br /><br />2) Overgeneralization<br />You see a single example of rejection or error as a never ending pattern of defeat; using words such as "always" or "never" when you think about it.<br /><br />3) Mental Filter<br />When you pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, until your reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water.<br /><br />4) Discounting the positive<br />You may reject positive experiences by insisting that they 'don't count'. If you do a good job, you can't accept that it's good enough, and you discount it's value.<br /><br />5) Jumping to conclusions<br />You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion.<br /> a)Mind Reading; making conclusions without checking<br /> out the facts.<br /> b)Fortune Telling; predicting that things will turn<br /> out badly.<br /><br />6) Magnification (Mountains & Mole Hills)<br />When you exaggerate the importance of yoru problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. May also be referred to as the<br />"Binocular trick".<br /><br />7) Emotional reasoning<br />When you assume that your negative emotions are reflective of the way things really are. Such as "I feel guilty; I must be a terrible person."<br /><br />8) "Should statements"<br />You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. "should" statements that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. If they are directed against other people or the world in general, this can lead to anger and frustration.<br /><br />9) Labeling<br />This is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of stating, "I made a mistake", you may say, "I'm a loser". Or you may label yourself as a "failure", a "jerk", etc. This may extend to others as well. You seem them as totally bad.<br /><br />10) Personalization and blame<br />When you feel responsible for everything bad or wrong that happens in your world, or even in the world of those around you. However, you don't take credit for the good things that may happen.<br /><br />Without apology...♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-52931534899008446832011-03-13T11:14:00.000-07:002011-03-13T12:25:41.062-07:00I Can Only ImagineFEELING can be painful, no doubt about it.<br />I still choose it over the numbness and clouds of being enveloped by an eating disorder.<br />It's been a very emotional weekend for me. I keep reminding myself that I was never promised<br />that life would be fair, or that it's meant to be easy.<br />Of course I would like that. Everyone happy, no injustice. No one dying, and no pain. <br />Accepting that life is not fair, perfect or always joyful took me a long time, but after Tim was shot dead just three months after his 17<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span> birthday, I realized that I had not choice, really.<br />Back to this weekend.<br />Sometimes the 325 mile trip is fairly benign, and other times, memories come flooding, which evolves into a flood of tears.<br />Just to clarify, I have NO desire to ever live in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Bedford</span> again. However, I lived the first [almost] 46 years of my life in that area, so there will always be part of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Bedford</span> in me.<br />I will always have the memories of my own childhood [not so great, but even so...], and the more emotional memories of raising my boys. Being a Mother was the greatest gift I was ever given.<br />After having Tim taken almost 10 years ago, and now, Matt so lost in his own life, and pulling farther and farther away, the 'Mother' part of me is trembling, withering and simply hurting.<br />If you are familiar with the song, "I Can Only Imagine" by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">MercyMe</span>, you may understand why it touches a very tender place for me. That song was popular at the time of Tim's death. Every time I hear it I cry. No, I sob, and I envision him with my Father, his 'Papaw', dancing in Heaven.<br />The song came on the radio about 30 minutes North of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Bedford</span> as we drove in on Saturday.<br />I imagined Tim wearing Matt's football jersey "54" [which Matt had buried with Tim], dancing with my Dad.<br />I miss them both so much.<br />Death frightens me......or more so, the thought of losing someone I love frightens me.<br />We visited my Aunt in the hospital....my Father's older sister. She is 86, almost 87.<br />Another reminder that none of us lives forever [on this Earth].<br />This is a complex and painful thought for me.<br />Our visit to the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">cemetery</span> brought more tears and an anger....I was struck once again at the unfairness of Tim's death, and I cannot help but wonder, yet again, what would he be like as an adult man? No one will ever know.<br />My attempt to meet up with Matt was met with angry words and statements of my own lack, what he doesn't have, and somehow, why it's my fault.<br />Although I have NO doubts that these accusations are false, it's painful to hear, and even more painful to know that Matt does believe them.<br />I didn't see Matt this weekend. He hung up on me twice.<br />As we are driving North, I feel an emptiness, like I'm leaving my sons behind. Not by choice, but due to the fact that life is not fair, and I must continue to embrace the life I have been given...and LIVE.<br />I don't want to be numb again. I won't be.<br />My daily life as I live it now holds countless opportunities for me. The pace of my life keeps me energized and excited about what I do, and while I may not always feel this sadness, I carry it with me. I am human. I have lost people dear to me, as many have.<br />I crave a relationship with Matt. I can't force it.<br />I have the opportunity to be in my grandson's life, and to hopefully enrich his life in some small way.<br />I will latch onto this and once again look into a small boy's eyes with love.<br />Thank you for reading.<br />Without apology....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-46033399992711503292011-03-11T11:50:00.001-08:002011-03-13T11:54:19.216-07:00Chasing myself....<div>It's definitely time to write. I miss having time to share, vent, and release all of the words in my head; and there are many!</div><br /><div>Yet, I wouldn't change a thing about my daily life, but I would love it if I could 'gift' myself a few additional hours of sleep each night!! Some days LIVING is certainly tiring!! </div><br /><div>This has been a week of errors. No, I don't mean that the week has been a mistake, but that I have made far too many 'missteps' along the way, and even more upsetting has been my realization that I am still not forgiving enough of myself, for simply being human. </div><br /><div>The good thing....I can now 'see' that I am beating myself up, almost before it begins, and I am able to interrupt it, or at least take </div>Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-22126125462541194572011-02-06T09:51:00.001-08:002011-02-06T09:51:48.898-08:00So WHO is to Blame?<div class="node"> <div class="content"><p>When working with families and individuals who are seeking treatment for an eating disorder, I try to dispel any blame that any of them may be feeling. Of course, no one can control another person's feelings, but parents, for the most part will feel responsible for their child's eating disorder in some way.<br />A person who is suffering from an eating disorder also usually believes that it's their own fault, for any number of reasons. But believe me, NO ONE, if they knew the <a id="KonaLink1" class="kLink" style="text-decoration: underline ! important; position: static; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important;" href="http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/blogs/general-eating-disorder-blogs/so-who-is-to-blame#"><span style="color: rgb(41, 120, 170) ! important; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important; position: static;color:#2978aa;" ><span class="kLink" style="color: rgb(41, 120, 170) ! important; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important; position: relative;">pain</span></span></a> and torture of an eating disorder would choose to take that route.<br />So who IS to blame?<br />Yes, we are all products of our environment, but that doesn't mean that parents are to blame if their child develops an eating disorder.<br />There are numerous situations that can play into the development of an eating disorder, and I don't believe that there is ever a clear indication of the exact cause.<br />Research is now proving that there may be a genetic component related to <a id="KonaLink2" class="kLink" style="text-decoration: underline ! important; position: static; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important;" href="http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/blogs/general-eating-disorder-blogs/so-who-is-to-blame#"><span style="color: rgb(41, 120, 170) ! important; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important; position: static;color:#2978aa;" ><span class="kLink" style="color: rgb(41, 120, 170) ! important; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important; position: relative;">eating </span><span class="kLink" style="color: rgb(41, 120, 170) ! important; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important; position: relative;">disorders</span></span></a>.<br />Our culture, the media, and social pressures can have an influence.<br />Personality traits, such as anxiety, perfectionism, obsessionality, a need for order, can also play a part.<br />Medical conditions that may lead to <a id="KonaLink3" class="kLink" style="text-decoration: underline ! important; position: static; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important;" href="http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/blogs/general-eating-disorder-blogs/so-who-is-to-blame#"><span style="color: rgb(41, 120, 170) ! important; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important; position: static;color:#2978aa;" ><span class="kLink" style="color: rgb(41, 120, 170) ! important; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important; position: relative;">weight </span><span class="kLink" style="color: rgb(41, 120, 170) ! important; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important; position: relative;">loss</span></span></a> are sometimes seen as a distinct precursor to the eating disorder.<br />Physical or sexual abuse, current or past, often play a part in the development of an eating disorder.<br />DIETING is the #1 risk factor for the development of an eating disorder, so finding the 'trigger' for dieting may offer answers.<br />What I tell <a id="KonaLink4" class="kLink" style="text-decoration: underline ! important; position: static; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important;" href="http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/blogs/general-eating-disorder-blogs/so-who-is-to-blame#"><span style="color: rgb(41, 120, 170) ! important; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important; position: static;color:#2978aa;" ><span class="kLink" style="border-bottom: 1px solid rgb(41, 120, 170); color: rgb(41, 120, 170) ! important; font-family: inherit ! important; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important; position: relative; background-color: transparent;">patients</span></span></a>, parents and families is that blame will not help anyone recover. But taking the situation from this moment on, getting good professional treatment, and keeping an open mind as to how everyone can support the person in treatment CAN be very helpful for full recovery.<br />RIGHT HERE: RIGHT NOW!!<br />What can YOU do?</p><p>Without apology ♥<br /></p></div></div>Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-45168108767968817362011-01-29T04:49:00.000-08:002011-01-29T05:07:13.278-08:00National Eating Disorders Awareness Week: February 20-26, 2011The coming weeks and months will bring another flood of activities and opportunities for outreach and education. I am excited about <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">NEDAW</span>, which is planned for February 20-26, 2011, throughout the US and perhaps other countries (?)<br />In my little world, combined with the efforts at The River Centre Clinic, that week will be filled with many activities, which hopefully will be helpful in educating and creating more awareness about these <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">devastating</span> disorders.<br />Many activities are planned internally at <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">RCC</span>, which we hope will encourage hope and positive motivation.<br />Our community efforts will include two days at the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Westfield</span> Franklin Park Mall, offering educational materials and the opportunity for people to take the EAT-26 self-test, with evaluation. We are also making <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">NEDAW</span> ribbons to hand out to those who want to promote this special week.<br />The Women's Studies group on the campus at <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">BGSU</span> is hosting a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-error">brownbag</span> luncheon on Wednesday, Feb. 23, from Noon-1:00pm, where myself and my assistant, Anna, will be speaking about the 'truths' about eating disorders and how one can support others who may be suffering.<br />We are still finalizing possible plans with UT and Lourdes College, with those activities to be announced.<br />Plans are also just beginning for the 2011 NEDA Walk, to be held once again at <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-error">Olander</span> Park in <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-error">Sylvania</span>. The date this year is Sunday, May 22, 2011, with registration beginning at 9:30am.<br />More details will be forthcoming very soon.<br />I am excited to be planning a trip to Miami at the end of April to attend the ICED, which is seen as the 'premier' of all ED Conferences. That remains to be seen, but I am excited to once again, have the opportunity to network and gather additional information about things that are happening in the professional field of eating disorders.<br />My daily work continues to be busy, with no two days ever alike. My responsibilities also continue to change, as changes are made internally with nursing and clinical needs.<br />It's apparent to anyone who has followed my Blog, that I simply don't have much time to 'journal' anymore, but I also do not feel the need for that type of writing. My updates here will hopefully assist others in taking action and being involved in these opportunities for networking and increasing awareness about eating disorders. Wishing you all well,<br />Without apology....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-37967133354144892772011-01-09T06:39:00.000-08:002011-01-09T06:40:58.172-08:00If you know what is NOT working....I can remember years ago while I was still seeing a therapist, I continued to find myself caught up in the wishful thinking, complaining about what wasn't 'good', what I hated about my life, and how tired I was of fighting the eating disorder. I was easily caught up in how awful things still were, and it made it very difficult for me to switch up my thinking and take responsibility for trying some new things...instead of waiting to be forced or until I 'felt' like it. I realized that I might never 'feel' like doing certain things, which was a major part of my problem in the first place. It was never going to be easier or feel better to do things differently, at least not at first.<br />My therapist pointed out that I had plenty of evidence of what did NOT work. So why did I continue to think that one special day it would...without doing something different?<br />An eating disorder does not leave your life because YOU wish it away, or because you are aware, day by day, how it is destroying your life.<br />The only way to leave it behind, to disconnect the eating disorder from your day by day emotions [which we all have], is to take action. Do something different. Follow a meal plan. See a professional. Be proactive in seeking new avenues for your life if that is what you need.<br />Writing can be a tremendously useful tool to increase self-awareness, but what are you going to do with that awareness?<br />Each day is a new opportunity to change, to find a new 'tool' that can help you find your way to recovery. Or it can be another day to do nothing, to talk, write and pout about what isn't working and how miserable you are, and how many symptoms you are having as a result.<br />No one can be expected to be positive and upbeat every day. That is not normal either.<br />But we all can do something every day towards bettering our life.<br />What can YOU do differently today to take one more step towards healing and recovery?<br />Without apology ♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-35438420435602309842010-12-24T12:44:00.000-08:002010-12-24T14:03:59.055-08:00As 2010 Draws to a Close.....You know when you put something off for so long, it gets harder and harder to go back to it? Well, here it is, Christmas Eve, and I haven't written here for way too long, but it's time for an update, so....<br />My life has changed dramatically even in the two years since I began writing this Blog. Wow!<br />I started off, still 'in recovery', but wanting to write about my own experiences, with the hope that others would find hope and believe in recovery for themselves. I hope that has been the case. As I have read my posts from the beginning up to the ones more recently (well, not so recently! :), I can see that much has changed, and even more so, 'between the lines'.<br />For a while, I thought about closing out the Blog, but I don't want to do that, and I'm not sure that anything on the Internet disappears anyway! ♥<br />Today I'd like to reflect and share about some of the truly unbelievable things that are happening in my life, and how every day is still such a special gift.<br />My perspective on my life comes from a new place now. I don't think in terms of 'being recovered', even though I am, but I am simply living my life, fully and with abundant energy.<br />My years of 'experience' of being ill or in recovery have definitely played a huge part in who I have become, but I truly don't focus on that so much anymore.<br />I value that part of myself, and I have no shame or reluctance about sharing it when appropriate, but I have moved on. I am in an entirely new place in my life, and I am loving every minute of it!<br />Because I am working at The River Centre Clinic now, putting in about 50 hours a week at the least, my life revolves around this, which continues to amaze me!<br />My days fly by, with duties ranging from Nursing, coordinating the admissions, doing all of the assessments, and having patients of my own to follow while they are in treatment, not to mention all of the 'in the moment' things that come up. My point? I could NEVER have imagined being able to do what I am doing, let alone working alongside the very professionals who helped to save my life. Yes, I am 'disclosing' some things here, but not much that most of you reading this don't know. This is a Blog, right?<br />The fact that I had an eating disorder rarely comes up. I use to think that recovery would be my only identity....because I myself could not identify with anything but the eating disorder, treatment or recovery.<br />I am thrilled to tell you all that there is life beyond an eating disorder, and even life beyond recovery...if that makes sense!<br />I love to write, but for a very long time it was also my only outlet. I wrote to process, and it was a very integral part of my recovery. Now? I find that I don't NEED to write, and I often am at a loss as to what to write about unless I am answering a question, or responding to a need expressed on the support site that I monitor.<br />I don't see a therapist because I don't need to! Imagine that ♥<br />I remember almost nine years ago, after I had been in treatment for a while, I made the remark (and was totally serious) that I would meal plan for the rest of my life if necessary to be 'well'. At that point I had no idea what 'well' meant. Hindsight has revealed to me that I probably said that because I believed that I would have to meal plan for the rest of my life in order to not be sick...to be 'well'.<br />I don't meal plan anymore, and I don't think about calories, in any respect. Many people believe that using a calorie based meal plan system will only cause one to become more obsessed with calories. For a time, that may be true...but being obsessed about eating ENOUGH is much different from being obsessed about not eating, or because one is literally starving.<br />The need to count calories will 'die a natural death'... in a good way, if a person doesn't stop meal planning too early.<br />Again, my point, I could never have believed that I could 'just eat', and my body would be healthy. It is true, a healthy body will protect it's set point.<br />I trust my body now. Whoa! I never thought I would think or admit that!<br />I also truly get hungry, and I don't feel guilty about it. I crave french fries of all foods!<br />And I eat them often :)<br />Not only am I no longer 'planning' my food intake, but I no longer need to plan my daily life, as a way to be in control. Yes, I need to be organized, but interruptions or spontaneous decisions are quite nice in my opinion. Life is not meant to be controlled to the point that there is no room to LIVE! Think about it.<br />What does 2011 hold for me? I do not know it all, but I do know that I will continue to live each day that I am given to the fullest, be it spending time with my dear husband, working to help others find their lives without an eating disorder, or chilling to the tunes of the Eagles with my cat on my lap....<br />Without apology ♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-25425729204942242252010-10-16T11:49:00.001-07:002010-10-16T11:49:38.845-07:00Four Phases of Recovery +Being given the opportunity once again to attend the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) Conference for 2010, was quite an honor.<br />I'd like to share some insight that was emphasized once again for me while I was there.<br /><br />Recovery from an eating disorder can be broken into four main phases, which of course, look and play out differently for every individual.<br />#1) The Turning Point: this is a subjective response to having 'enough', being tired of being sick. This phase may require multiple 'moments', each of which builds strength upon strength, until the person makes the decision to get help. One must decide to move beyond the state of arrested development that an eating disorder often signifies. This phase marks the beginning of a process (recovery) that may take years to complete.<br />#2) Treatment: this phase is mandatory for FULL recovery. While treatment can't 'cure' an eating disorder, it can help a person develop the self-responsibility that is necessary to complete the process.<br />#3) Restoration: this is the phase during which physical health is restored. A person who became ill at age 14 may need time to 'catch up' developmentally. They have experienced 'delayed adolescence' in a sense. This is an involved, yet exciting time of exploration. This is also when a person begins to restore a core sense of self.<br />#4) Discovery: an exploration of one's major life goal, moving toward a mature sense of self. A person's individual character and personality will begin to bloom, which leads to a level of empowerment and self-directedness never reached before.<br /><br />THE BONUS PHASE: The Wise Mind: This is when trust in recovery develops, fears disappear, and the former shame and stigma that may have been felt about having an eating disorder morphs into a new freedom and a deeper understanding of self.<br /><br />Without apology ♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-75770957332255262312010-10-06T16:48:00.000-07:002010-10-06T17:13:34.106-07:00Exchanges vs.CaloriesSo what is wrong with the 'exchange system'?<br />NOTHING!<br />Unless you have an eating disorder.<br />I don't know the history of the 'exchange system', which is often used in the field of nutrition. I don't doubt that it's been useful for many people who may need some structure for eating, due to any number of medical illnesses.<br />What I DO know is that it's likely the worst possible approach to meal planning for someone who is in treatment for an eating disorder.<br />If you are reading this, you likely know that the mindset of someone suffering with an eating disorder is not usually rational. This in itself is due to malnutrition and [likely] being in a state of starvation. Even people who struggle with bingeing and purging are starving. Their bodies are being deprived of consistent, adequate nutrition.<br />The eating disordered mind thinks in terms of 'less' and 'smaller' and often classifies foods as good or bad.<br />With the exchange system of tracking food intake, you have four or five major food categories which make up your recommended daily intake. Within these categories you may have numerous choices, which are supposedly interchangeable. The truth is, when you compare nutritional value (calories), these choices could vary up to 50-75 calories among items in a certain category. What do you think the person with the eating disordered mindset is going to choose? Naturally, they will always pick the lower calorie item. Don't doubt for one minute that they don't know which item that is.<br />For example, apples can vary greatly in size, and up to 50 calories based on their size. The same goes for a slice of bread. Different types of bread can also vary at least this much.<br />If you consider a person's intake for an entire day, and they have made these choices with an eating disordered mindset, they could end up eating several hundred calories less than if they had made different choices within those food categories.<br />If you don't have an eating disorder, and never have, I can't begin to explain or help you comprehend the power of that eating disordered mindset. The person cannot help but choose according to their eating disordered beliefs.<br />Precise calories is the only sure and safe way to develop a recovery meal plan. Unless you know the precise and exact calories that you are eating, there is no way to know how your body will react to food and calories. This is also the only way to challenge the fears that a person with an eating disorder has about food. There is a science behind this, in terms of using this concept in treatment. I am not a scientist, nor do I claim to be. But I do know, without a doubt, that this works. Otherwise, I would not be alive tonight to write this.<br />Counting calories can be a healthy thing when used for recovery, and it's a way of maintaining control, while learning how to let go of unnecessary control of other areas of your life.<br />Meal planning and counting calories is necessary for effective treatment, but it doesn't have to last forever.<br />Believe me, it's much better than living [or dying] with an eating disorder.<br />Without apology....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-83224424003180766852010-10-02T07:43:00.000-07:002010-10-02T07:44:18.106-07:00Setting Personal BoundariesMany of us have real problems setting personal boundaries, with others, ourselves, and yes, an eating disorder!<br />Here are a few things I have learned along the way in my own recovery, that have proven to be true and helpful....<br />**Establishing boundaries helps to keep you safe. Others know they cannot take advantage of you. Your messages are clear. We have a right and a duty to protect ourselves!<br />**If you don't set boundaries, you could be giving yourself away. YOU are in control of how much you give, and also how much you keep of yourself for yourself.<br />**Setting boundaries with others can actually help THEM grow. It helps to make them conscious of their own behaviors which may allow them to change as well.<br />**Setting boundaries may allow you to get more of what YOU want and less of what you don't. You can protect yourself from unwanted behaviors, and encourage the behaviors that will empower you.<br />**Effective people set boundaries. You are more in control of your time and efforts, and this can greatly increase the positive feelings you have about yourself.<br />**Stand up for yourself-don't back down! In order for this to work for you, you must develop a commitment to uphold what is right and true for YOU. Be consistent!<br />**Practice makes perfect! This is new behavior, and it will FEEL awkward, and maybe not GOOD, but the more you practice it and experience the rewards, the better it will FEEL. It will become more automatic and comfortable in time.<br />Some examples of personal boundaries:<br />People may NOT:<br />**Criticize me.<br />**Humiliate me.<br />**Invade my personal space or belongings.<br />**Lie to me.<br />**Make derogatory comments about my appearance.<br />**Take advantage of me. <br />**Take their anger or frustration out on me.<br /><br />Put this into practice and see how it affect the relationships you have with those around you, and with yourself!<br /><br />Without apology..... ♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-70095664055181712052010-09-22T05:26:00.000-07:002010-09-22T05:42:15.565-07:00Society's ConfusionOr perhaps a better title could be 'our' confusion, meaning those who have suffered, or are battling with an eating disorder, and searching for truths within their own eating disordered mindset.<br />The irrational 'balancing game', as I refer to it often, seems very logical to the person who thinks they have control over their behaviors vs. eating. Looking deeper, I seriously doubt that many could truly say that it's 'working' FOR them.<br />I see a major part of the problem in the multitude of recommendations (the dieting industry) out there, that only confuse the mind of a person with an eating disorder even further.<br />The most effective approach is to seek the guidance of a professional, who truly understands and is experienced in treating eating disorders.<br />The information available to the average 'consumer' is misleading and downright dangerous.<br />*Dieting is dangerous and does NOT work.<br />*Dieting is the number one cause of obesity, AND eating disorders.<br />*If you are struggling with the eating disorder 'rules' and feel confused, do NOT look for answers on the Internet, or on the shelf at the pharmacy containing diet products.<br />Food is our energy to live, to laugh, to bear children, and to be free....from the prison of an eating disorder.<br />You will always find another 'scheme' to which you could follow, but the best way to proceed in a healthy direction is to eat well, and to seek the guidance of a good therapist.<br />Chaotic eating, restricting, and any compensating behaviors (purging, laxative abuse, exercising, etc. ) will only leave you with a greater chance of having to accept (or fight) a higher body setpoint weight. It happens.<br />In my opinion, the most important concept is to embrace that your body serves you in many amazing ways....any attempts to make it other than what it is will only lead to you being shortchanged from the benefits of YOUR body.<br />Without apology....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-3905907662628819242010-09-15T16:46:00.001-07:002010-09-15T16:47:30.017-07:00The Diet MythMost people think that dieting is a simple process, and in theory it is. To lose weight, you simply have to eat less, right?<br />However, in reality, dieting is not a simple task and much of the time dieters do not eat less than do non-dieters. Research reveals a great discrepancy between what people 'think' dieters do and what dieters 'actually' do.<br />Many studies have found that across a variety of conditions, dieters typically eat more than do non-dieters. Maintaining control of eating for dieters is rare. A variety of 'diet disrupters' or triggers of overeating have been revealed by numerous laboratory studies. These same 'triggers' are shown to inhibit dietary intake by non-dieters. These may include situations where the person is anxious, distressed or depressed.<br />Dieting has been proven to be the #1 factor in the development of an eating disorder. The myth behind dieting is not only misleading, but may also be dangerous and even fatal in some instances.<br />Over time, dieting most often leads to binge eating, which along with the resulting decreased metabolism, will lead to unnecessary weight gain. So even if one who is caught up in the yo-yo dieting cycle does stabilize their eating, they are likely to maintain a higher weight, on much fewer calories than ever before.<br />The 'non-diet' approach to living is the healthiest one. Eating according to body cues and hunger, instead of social or cognitive factors is the best way to go. Also, having no foods that are 'forbidden' will eliminate the psychological frustration that is associated with dieting.<br />It's important to remember that we are not numbers...although society will attempt to make us such. Our bodies are truly meant to be vessels of strength, to allow us to live our lives fully, love unconditionally, and to BE FREE.<br /><br />Without apology....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-6017814617749580022010-08-28T15:34:00.000-07:002010-08-28T15:53:59.918-07:00STARVATION and BEHAVIORNOTE: This is a rather long 'post;, but it explains some of the most valuable information pertaining to the effects of starvation on human behavior. Please take the time to read the entire writing. <br /><br />The following is an adaptation of "Handbook for Treatment of Eating Disorders" p. 145-177 by David M. Garner, Ph.D., which describes a study performed by Ancel Keyes at the University of Minnesota.<br /><br />The short version: Physically AND mentally healthy MEN were given a diet of about 1/2 their normal intake for about 6 months. Almost all of the men began to show symptoms and behaviors identical to those seen in people with EDs. Then, when the starvation phase was ended, the men continued to show drastically unhealthy behaviors regarding food and overall mental health.<br /><br /><br />STARVATION SYMPTOMS<br />One of the most important advancements in the understanding of eating disorders is the recognition that severe and prolonged dietary restriction can lead to serious physical and psychological complications (Garner, 1997). Many of the symptoms once thought to be primary features of anorexia nervosa are actually symptoms of starvation. Given what we know about the biology of weight regulation, what is the impact of weight suppression on the individual? This is particularly relevant for those with anorexia nervosa, but is also important for people with eating disorders who have lost significant amounts of body weight. Perhaps the most powerful illustration of the effects of restrictive dieting and weight loss on behavior is an experimental study conducted almost 50 years ago and published in 1950 by Ancel Keys and his colleagues at the University of Minnesota (Keys et al., 1950). The experiment involved carefully studying 36 young, healthy, psychologically normal men while restricting their caloric intake for 6 months. More than 100 men volunteered for the study as an alternative to military service; the 36 selected had the highest levels of physical and psychological health, as well as the most commitment to the objectives of the experiment. What makes the "starvation study" (as it is commonly known) so important is that many of the experiences observed in the volunteers are the same as those experienced by patients with eating disorders. This section of this chapter is a summary of the changes observed in the Minnesota study.<br /><br />During the first 3 months of the semistarvation experiment, the volunteers ate normally while their behavior, personality, and eating patterns were studied in detail. During the next 6 months, the men were restricted to approximately half of their former food intake and lost, on average, approximately 25% of their former weight. Although this was described as a study of "semistarvation," it is important to keep in mind that cutting the men's rations to half of their former intake is precisely the level of caloric deficit used to define "conservative" treatments for obesity (Stunkard, 1993). The 6 months of weight loss were followed by 3 months of rehabilitation, during which the men were gradually refed. A subgroup was followed for almost 9 months after the re-feeding began. Most of the results were reported for only 32 men, since 4 men were withdrawn either during or at the end of the semistarvation phase. Although the individual responses to weight loss varied considerably, the men experienced dramatic physical, psychological, and social changes. In most cases, these changes persisted during the rehabilitation or re-nourishment phase.<br /><br /><br />ATTITUDES AND BEHAVIOR RELATED TO FOOD AND EATING<br />One of the most of the striking changes that occurred in the volunteers was a dramatic increase in food preoccupations. The men found concentration on their usual activities increasingly difficult, because they became plagued by incessant thoughts of food and eating. During the semistarvation phase of the experiement, food became a principal topic of conversation, reading, and daydreams. Rating scales revealed that the men experienced an increase in thinking about food, as well as corresponding declines in interest in sex and activity during semistarvation. The actual words used in the original report are particularly revealing and the following quotations followed by page numbers in parentheses are from Keys et al. (1950) with permission of the University of Minnesota Press.<br /><br />As starvation progressed, the number of men who toyed with their food increased. They made what under normal conditions would be weird and distasteful concoctions, . . . Those who ate in the common dining room smuggled out bits of food and consumed them on their bunks in a long-drawn-out ritual, . . . Toward the end of starvation some of the men would dawdle for almost two hours after a meal which previously they would have consumed in a matter of minutes, . . . Cookbooks, menus, and information bulletins on food production became intensely interesting to many of the men who previously had little or no interest in dietetics or agriculture. [The volunteers] often reported that they got a vivid vicarious pleasure from watching other persons eat or from just smelling food.<br /><br />In addition to cookbooks and collecting recipes, some of the men even began collecting coffeepots, hot plates, and other kitchen utensils. According to the original report, hoarding even extended to non-food-related items such as "old books, unnecessary second-hand clothes, knick knacks, and other 'junk.í Often after making such purchases, which could be afforded only with sacrifice, the men would be puzzled as to why they had bought such more or less useless articles". One man even began rummaging through garbage cans. This general tendency to hoard has been observed in starved anorexic patients (Crisp, Hsu, & Harding, 1980) and even in rats deprived of food (Fantino & Cabanac, 1980). Despite little interest in culinary matters prior to the experiment, almost 40% of the men mentioned cooking as part of their postexperiment plans. For some, the fascination was so great that they actually changed occupations after the experiment; three became chefs, and one went into agriculture!<br /><br />The Minnesota subjects were often caught between conflicting desires to gulp their food down ravenously and consume it slowly so that the taste and odor of each morsel would be fully appreciated. Toward the end of starvation some of the men would dawdle for almost two hours over a meal which previously they would have consumed in a matter of minutes. . .they did much planning as to how they would handle their day's allotment of food. The men demanded that their food be served hot, and they made unusual concoctions by mixing foods together, as noted above. There was also a marked increase in the use of salt and spices. The consumption of coffee and tea increased so dramatically that the men had to be limited to 9 cups per day; similarly, gum chewing became excessive and had to be limited after it was discovered that one man was chewing as many as 40 packages of gum a day and "developed a sore mouth from such continuous exercise".<br /><br />During the 12-week refeeding phase of the experiment, most of the abnormal attitudes and behaviors in regard to food persisted. A small number of men found that their difficulties in this area were quite severe during the first 6 weeks of refeeding:<br /><br /><br />BINGE EATING<br />During the restrictive dieting phase of the experiment, all of the volunteers reported increased hunger. Some appeared able to tolerate the experience fairly well, but for others it created intense concern and led to a complete breakdown in control. Several men were unable to adhere to their diets and reported episodes of binge eating followed by self-reproach. During the eighth week of starvation, one volunteer flagrantly broke the dietary rules, eating several sundaes and malted milks; he even stole some penny candies. He promptly confessed the whole episode, [and] became self-deprecatory". While working in a grocery store, another man suffered a complete loss of will power and ate several cookies, a sack of popcorn, and two overripe bananas before he could "regain control" of himself. He immediately suffered a severe emotional upset, with nausea, and upon returning to the laboratory he vomited. . .He was self-deprecatory, expressing disgust and self-criticism.<br /><br />One man was released from the experiment at the end of the semistarvation period because of suspicions that he was unable to adhere to the diet. He experienced serious difficulties when confronted with unlimited access to food "He repeatedly went through the cycle of eating tremendous quantities of food, becoming sick, and then starting all over again". During the refeeding phase of the experiment, many of the men lost control of their appetites and "ate more or less continuously".<br /><br />Even after 12 weeks of refeeding, the men frequently complained of increased hunger immediately following a large meal.<br /><br />[One of the volunteers] ate immense meals (a daily estimate of 5,000-6,000 cal.) and yet started "snacking" an hour after he finished ameal.[Another] ate as much as he could hold during the three regular meals and ate snacks in the morning, afternoon and evening. Several men had spells of nausea and vomiting. One man required aspiration and hospitalization for several days.<br /><br />During the weekends in particular, some of the men found it difficult to stop eating. Their daily intake commonly ranged between 8,000 and 10,000 calories, and their eating patterns were described as follows:<br /><br />Subject No. 20 stuffs himself until he is bursting at the seams, to the point of being nearly sick and still feels hungry; No. 120 reported that he had to discipline himself to keep from eating so much as to become ill; No. 1 ate until he was uncomfortably full; and subject No. 30 had so little control over the mechanics of "piling it in" that he simply had to stay away from food because he could not find a point of satiation even when he was "full to the gills.". . ."I ate practically all weekend," reported subject No. 26. . .Subject No. 26 would just as soon have eaten six meals instead of three.<br /><br />After about 5 months of refeeding, the majority of the men reported some normalization of their eating patterns, but for some the extreme overconsumption persisted "No. 108 would eat and eat until he could hardly swallow any more and then he felt like eating half an hour later". More than 8 months after renourishment began, most men had returned to normal eating patterns; however, a few were still eating abnormal amounts "No. 9 ate about 25 percent more than his pre-starvation amount; once he started to reduce but got so hungry he could not stand it".<br /><br />Factors distinguishing men who rapidly normalized their eating from those who continued to eat prodigious amounts were not identified. Nevertheless, the main findings here are as follows: Serious binge eating developed in a subgroup of men, and this tendency persisted in come cases for months after free access to food was reintroduced; however, the majority of men reported gradually returning to eating normal amounts of food after about 5 months of refeeding. Thus, the fact that binge eating was experimentally produced in some of these normal young men should temper speculations about primary psychological disturbances as the cause of binge eating in patients with eating disorders. These findings are supported by a large body of research indicating that habitual dieters display marked overcompensation in eating behavior that is similar to the binge eating observed in eating disorders (Polivy & Herman, 1985, 1987; Wardle & Beinart, 1981). Polivy et al., (1994) compared a group of former World War II prisoners of war and non-interned veterans and found that the former prisoners lost an average of 10.5 Kg. They also reported a significantly higher frequency of binge eating than non-interned veterans according to a self-report questionnaire sent by mail.<br /><br /><br />EMOTIONAL AND PERSONALITY CHANGES<br />The experimental procedures involved selecting volunteers who were the most physically and psychologically robust. "The psychobiological 'stamina' of the subjects was unquestionably superior to that likely to be found in any random or more generally representative sample of the population".<br /><br />Although the subjects were psychologically healthy prior to the experiment, most experienced significant emotional deterioration as a result of semistarvation. Most of the subjects experienced periods during which their emotional distress was quite severe; almost 20% experienced extreme emotional deterioration that markedly interfered with their functioning. Depression became more severe during the course of the experiment. Elation was observed occasionally, but this was inevitably followed by "low periods." Mood swings were extreme for some of the volunteers:<br /><br />[One subject] experienced a number of periods in which his spirits were definitely high. . . These elated periods alternated with times in which he suffered "a deep dark depression."<br /><br />Irritability and frequent outbursts of anger were common, although the men had quite tolerant dispositions prior to starvation. For most subjects, anxiety became more evident. As the experiment progressed, many of the formerly even-tempered men began biting their nails or smoking because they felt nervous. Apathy also became common, and some men who had been quite fastidious neglected various aspects of personal hygiene. During semistarvation, two subjects developed disturbances of "psychotic" proportions. During the refeeding period, emotional disturbance did not vanish immediately but persisted for several weeks, with some men actually becoming more depressed, irritable, argumentative, and negativistic than they had been during semistarvation. After two weeks of refeeding, one man reported his extreme reaction in his diary:<br /><br />I have been more depressed than ever in my life. . .I thought that there was only one thing that would pull me out of the doldrums, that is release from C.P.S. [the experiment] I decided to get rid of some fingers. Ten days ago, I jacked up my car and let the car fall on these fingers. . .It was premeditated.<br /><br />Several days latter, this man actually did chop off three fingers of one hand in response to the stress.<br /><br />Standardized personality testing with the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) revealed that semistarvation resulted in significant increases on the Depression, Hysteria, and Hpochondriasis scales. The MMPI profiles for a small minority of subjects confirmed the clinical impression of incredible deterioration as a result of semistarvation. One man who scored well within normal limits at initial testing, but after 10 weeks of semistarvation and a weight loss of only about 4.5 kg (10 pounds, or approximately 7% of his original body weight), gross personality disturbances were evident on the MMPI. Depression and general disorganization were particularly striking consequences of starvation for several of the men who became the most emotionally disturbed.<br /><br /><br />SOCIAL AND SEXUAL CHANGES<br />The extraordinary impact of semistarvation was reflected in the social changes experienced by most of the volunteers. Although originally quite gregarious, the men became progressively more withdrawn and isolated. Humor and the sense of comradeship diminished amidst growing feelings of social inadequacy. The volunteers' social contacts with women also declined sharply during semistarvation. Those who continued to see women socially found that the relationships became strained. These changes are illustrated in the account from one man's diary:<br /><br />I am one of about three or four who still go out with girls. I fell in love with a girl during the control period but I see her only occasionally now. It's almost too much trouble to see her even when she visits me in the lab. It requires effort to hold her hand. Entertainment must be tame. If we see a show, the most interesting part of it is contained in scenes where people are eating.<br /><br />Sexual interests were likewise drastically reduced. Masturbation, sexual fantasies, and sexual impulses either ceased or became much less common. One subject graphically stated that he had "no more sexual feeling than a sick oyster." (Even this peculiar metaphor made reference to food.) Keys et al. observed that "many of the men welcomed the freedom from sexual tensions and frustrations normally present in young adult men" (p. 840). The fact that starvation perceptibly altered sexual urges and associated conflicts is of particular interest, since it has been hypothesized that this process is the driving force behind the dieting of many anorexia nervosa patients. According to Crisp (1980), anorexia nervosa is a adaptive disorder in the sense that it curtails sexual concerns for which the adolescent feels unprepared. During rehabilitation, sexual interest was slow to return. Even after 3 months, the men judged themselves to be far from normal in this area. However, after 8 months of renourishment, virtually all of the men had recovered their interest in sex.<br /><br /><br />COGNITIVE AND PHYSICAL CHANGES<br />The volunteers reported impaired concentration, alertness, comprehension, and judgment during semistarvation; however, formal intellectual testing revealed no signs of diminished intellectual abilities. As the 6 months of semistarvation progressed, the volunteers exhibited many physical changes, including gastrointestinal discomfort; decreased need for sleep; dizziness; headaches; hypersensitivity to noise and light; reduced strength; poor motor control; edema (an excess of fluid causing swelling); hair loss; decreased tolerance for cold temperatures (cold hands and feet); visual disturbances (i.e., inability to focus, eye aches, "spots" in the visual fields); auditory disturbances (i.e., ringing noise in the ears); and paresthesias (i.e., abnormal tingling or prickling sensations, especially in the hands or feet).<br /><br />Various changes reflected an overall slowing of the body's physiological processes. There were decreases in body temperature, heart rate, and respiration, as well as in basal metabolic rate (BMR). BMR is the amount of energy (in calories) that the body requires at rest (i.e., no physical activity) in order to carry out normal physiological processes. It accounts for about two-thirds of the body's total energy needs, with the remainder being used during physical activity. At the end of semistarvation, the men's BMRs had dropped by about 40% from normal levels. This drop, as well as other physical changes, reflects the body's extraordinary ability to adapt to low caloric intake by reducing its need for energy. More recent recent research has shown that metabolic rate is markedly reduced even among dieters who do not have a history of dramatic weight loss (Platte, Wurmser, Wade, Mecheril & Pirke, 1996). During refeeding, Keys et al. found that metabolism speeded up, with those consuming the greatest number of calories experiencing the largest rise in BMR. The group of volunteers who received a relatively small increment in calories during refeeding (400 calories more than during semistarvation) had no rise in BMR for the first 3 weeks. Consuming larger amounts of food caused a sharp increase in the energy burned through metabolic processes.<br /><br /><br />SIGNIFICANCE OF THE "STARVATION STUDY"<br />As is readily apparent from the preceding description of the Minnesota experiment, many of the symptoms that might have been thought to be specific to anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are actually the results of starvation (Pirke & Ploog, 1987). These are not limited to food and weight, but extend to virtually all areas of psychological and social functioning. Since many of the symptoms that have been postulated to cause these disorders may actually result from undernutrition, it is absolutely essential that weight be returned to "normal" levels so that psychological functioning can be accurately assessed.<br /><br />The profound effects of starvation also illustrate the tremendous adaptive capacity of the human body and the intense biological pressure on the organism to maintain a relatively consistent body weight. This makes complete evolutionary sense. Over hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution, a major threat to the survival of the organism was starvation. If weight had not been carefully modulated and controlled internally, early humans most certainly would simply have died when food was scarce or when their interest was captured by countless other aspects of living. The Keys et al. "starvation study" illustrates how the human being becomes more oriented toward food when starved and how other pursuits important to the survival of the species (e.g., social and sexual functioning) become subordinate to the primary drive toward food.<br /><br />One of the most notable implications of the Minnesota experiment is that it challenges the popular notion that body weight is easily altered if one simply exercises a bit of "willpower." It also demonstrates that the body is not simply "reprogrammed" at a lower set point once weight loss has been achieved. The volunteers' experimental diet was unsuccessful in overriding their bodies' strong propensity to defend a particular weight level. Again, it is important to emphasize that following the months of refeeding, the Minnesota volunteers did not skyrocket into obesity. On the average, they gained back their original weight plus about 10%; then, over the next 6 months, their weight gradually declined. By the end of the follow-up period, they were approaching their preexperiment weight levels.<br /><br />Providing patients with eating disorders with the above account of the semistarvation study can be very useful in giving them an "explanation" for many of the emotional, cognitive and behavioral symptoms that they experience. This as well as other educational materials (Garner, 1997) is based on the assumption that eating disorder patients often suffer from misconceptions about the factors that cause and then maintain symptoms. It is further assumed that patients may be less likely to persist in self-defeating symptoms if they are made truly aware of the scientific evidence regarding factors that perpetuate eating disorders. The educational approach conveys the message that the responsibility for change rests with the patient; this is aimed at increasing motivation and reducing defensiveness. The operating assumption is that the patient is a responsible and rational partner in a collaborative relationship. <br /><br />NOTE: This final chapter is one that we at The River Centre Clinic put into practice regularly, in our attempt to provide the very best, specialized treatment to those who are suffering from an eating disorder. <br /><br />Without apology....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-8927303385856581292010-08-21T07:03:00.000-07:002010-08-22T16:13:14.722-07:00Insurance Woes?What is it that is preventing you from getting help to recovery from an eating disorder?<br />Based on what I encounter on a daily basis, I would expect that for most people, it involves lack of insurance, lack of adequate resources, and/or the fact that if they do have insurance, coverage for eating disorder treatment is limited, if offered at all. <br />As we all are aware, many changes are occurring on the National scene in terms of healthcare, the details of which none of us knows for certain. <br />I am interested in any experiences YOU have had with insurance, where you were denied treatment, or adequate length of treatment, which could have helped you to fully recover. <br />Insurance companies often develop their own criteria, which may or may not be [loosely] based on the APA guidelines for eating disorder treatment. Sadly enough, THEY get to decide how much, and how long they will provide coverage for treatment. And the 'professionals' who make these decisions are often not educated, or interested in becoming educated about what type of treatment works, or why the treatment is vital for someone to recover. <br />Would a person being treated for cancer be told that insurance would cover 5 doses of chemotherapy, when a regimen of 10 treatments is the proven course to take? Maybe, but not likely. <br />I hear repeatedly that a person is not 'sick' enough [paraphrased] to be in treatment, unless they are medically unstable, or suicidal. <br />I suspect that any of you who are reading this realize, that an eating disorder is complex, and involves much more than reaching a stable 'medical' status. Sigh....<br />What is YOUR experience? How can you fight for what you need? <br />If you would like to share, please leave a comment, or feel free to email me at jlockert06@gmail.com. <br />Never give up!! <br />Without apology....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-44824184950433112862010-08-15T06:53:00.000-07:002010-08-15T07:25:42.656-07:00Independence vs. DependenceWhile thinking about the differences between independence and dependence, memories of feelings (can you have memories of feelings? I think so...) while growing up come to mind.<br />My desire to be independent was always diluted with feelings of obligation to conform to what was expected of me. This was not so much about not wanting to grow up, but more about not wanting to grow up and fit into the mold that was being prepared for me. That 'mold' never felt like it fit. Maybe losing weight was an attempt to make it fit? I don't know. But it didn't work. I know that I did want to grow up and become independent of those expectations, but at the same time, the guilt I felt associated with disappointing others or doing something 'wrong' was stronger. <br />Looking back now, I can see that as I attempted, in the only ways I knew how, to become independent and to take control of my life, I ended up being more dependent on others to guide me and take care of me due to the eating disorder. In reality, the eating disorder did not grant me greater control, but actually less. And as time went on, and I became weaker and more enmeshed in the psychological traps of the eating disorder, I depended on others to take care of me. I couldn't see it at the time, but it was that dichotomy that I have written about before. The push/pull dynamic....I was screaming for others to help me, while always pushing them away.<br />Not only was this an unhealthy way to be in relationship with others, it fueled the confusion caused by the eating disorder. I never learned how to be in an honest mutual relationship, and the concept was impossible for me to grasp.<br />While I believed and claimed that I wanted and needed to be left alone, the thought of being independent and self-sufficient terrified me. I had no trust in my ability or strength to take care of myself. Historically, the eating disorder had made that impossible. Hence, I became dependent on others for many things, but in a very unhealthy way. This also made it very easy for some of those people in my life to enable me, out of their own lack of knowledge of the disorder and the situation. <br />Independence means responsibility. I felt unable to handle the responsibilities that life hands us as we move forward. The terror kept pushing me back. Like so many other fears, I found that the ONLY way to get past is was to walk right through it. <br />Surrendering to recovery made me stronger, not weaker, and more confident to face new challenges. <br />I found myself at age 47, totally responsible for myself, for the first time in my life! I had to keep going and trust that I could do it with the healthy advice and support from others. I did, and I have....and I am now confident and afraid of very few things in life. <br />Asking for help and accepting help from others is completely different from dumping everything in someone else's lap to 'fix'. It feels a lot better too!! <br />Independence for me means I am my own person, which allows me to be in true, loving and honest relationship with others, without feeling compromised or diminished. <br />Without apology...♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8906097353726000946.post-71126732144320244362010-08-08T06:08:00.000-07:002010-08-08T06:43:53.795-07:00Broadening your HorizonsAn eating disorder, and the fears that accompany it, can and will narrow your world to the point of isolation, and cause you to feel alone and hopeless. <br />I grew up feeling unacceptable, by my peers, my family and most everyone else around me. Some of this was due to direct criticism, but the type of controlled, black/white environment that I was raised in was also a contributing factor. My future was dictated to me, and I see now that much of my resistance was based on my internals opposition to this. Yet, I felt unable to express my own desires, and I feared upsetting those around me. So I went along.....on the outside..until I could no longer. <br />That is when I began to seek acceptance by achieving a lower weight, which I was told, would make me a 'better' person. This message was not conveyed directly, in a verbal way, but by the way that I was encouraged to 'conform'. <br />My environment also portrayed a very dangerous and 'bad' world, which led me to believe that I was not safe unless I was 'hidden', or unless I remained submissive to the forces around me. <br />As I became more and more ill with an eating disorder, my world continued to narrow. My view of the world narrowed, and my fear increased. I truly saw no way 'out', so controlling my weight, and what I ate felt like my only source of safety, however convoluted that was. <br />During my treatment and recovery at the River Centre, I began to see how much more there was to the world, and how my fears were holding me back. <br />After my weight was restored to a healthy point, where I could fully engage in life and make my own choices in a safe way, I started to challenge my old beliefs, the beliefs that had been instilled in me, in a way that enabled me to know myself and become more independent. <br />My eyes are wide open in a way I have never known before. I see all experiences as a chance to grow, and I am not afraid. <br />My world have become so much larger, so much more fulfilling, and the relationships I have with the people around me are mutual. What a concept!<br />I can now see that as my body diminished in size, the world around me did also. My options were limited, my fears seemed insurmountable, and the walls were closing in. <br />How narrow is your world? What is holding you back from being fully alive each day? <br />The truth is, we each determine how we will live our lives. Sometimes we need help to break free from old limitations. No one needs to waste even one more day with their eyes half-open.<br />Without apology.....♥Jan L.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11522178758976535463noreply@blogger.com2