Weight A Minute!!

What RULES your life?

2012-01-14T12:29:00.000-08:00

How do you know what is 'right' when everything is 'wrong'?
If you could count how many times you 'should' yourself every day, would you be shocked? Probably.
What about those days when everything seems to be a challenge, and you don't think you can take one more problem?
"What am I doing wrong?"
"It's all my fault."
"I deserve to be sad, unhappy or [hungry]"
Do any of these sound familiar?
What about........
"I know I will make a mistake. There is no use in trying."
"I forgot to call my friend back last night. I am a terrible friend, forgetful, and not worth anyone spending time with. "
"My perfect score on the exam was just luck."
"No one called me back about the job. They hate me and I will never be hired."
"If I am not chosen to attend the seminar, I will ever have another opportunty."
"My entire family hates me because I have never done anything right."
These are examples of 'cognitive distortions'. When the internal (and often external) messages you send yourself are extreme, and often stem from negative beliefs or perspectives about yourself.
These messages most often greatly affect the quality of your life.
I was a victim of getting caught up in more than one of these, often for long periods of time.
Much of the time it centered around my core belief that I was a 'bad' person, and that I deserved to
be punished. Good/bad, right/wrong, and should/shoudn't, were the rules I lived by. They were not chosen rules, but rules that I truly felt sentenced to; as a life term.
It is much too complex to explain right here, but once I decided to allow myself to 'choose' what rules to follow, and what I truly believed, the anger, resentment and frustration began to melt away. I began to respect myself and others more, and I let go of the guilt and fear that I had felt for most of my life.
Ahh......in the midst of this process I could not see, nor could I even imagine things ever being better or even different. There is true beauty in hindsight.
Life is not fair. This is one I will always struggle with. When 'normal' pains and losses in life occur, I find myself trying to balance it all again. No longer is it about punishing myself, or is it related to eating or food. But I often find that I must again evaluate who I am in the bigger picture, and what meaning it all has for me. I don't have to always be happy or like the way I feel.
I simply need to keep going.
Without apology.....♥

Goals for the Holidays

2011-12-04T06:02:00.001-08:00

"Don't let the past steal your present."
-Terri Guillemets

Who has time to think about setting goals for the Holidays? How many of us are use to simply "getting through" them without having a breakdown, or without others seeing how overwhelmed we are?
The Holiday season can be stressful for almost anyone, but if you are struggling with an eating disorder, or fighting for recovery, you are likely even more worried and stressed about the expectations of the season. I would ask, "whose expectations are you trying to live up to?"
We all have family traditions that we may or may not enjoy, for any number of reasons. I have found that by focusing on the aspects of those experiences that are basic and meaningful, they are much more enjoyable, and I don't spend the three months prior to December, dreading the Holidays. Many of the activities and gatherings during the Holiday season seem to be "all about food", but I don't think that's so true. Anyone who struggles with an eating disorder, in the mindset of fear of eating, fear of not eating, etc., tends to make it all about food by the focus they put on it in their own minds.
Flexibility is a beautiful thing to consider. What are the 'rules' that you have, that prevent you from finding joy and meaning in your Holiday experiences? Which ones can you challenge or let go of for this period of time; or do they even serve you anymore (did they ever?)
Can you identify certain messages that you adhere to that are only self-critical, and that are based on rigidity and perfectionistic expectations?
I wasted many many years and opportunities for joy by dreading the Holidays for reasons that were only related to worry about eating and food. I missed a lot of 'moments' that I can never have back.
At this time of my life there are other memories and recent grief that causes me to feel many painful emotions, but I will never allow myself to miss out of the joy 'in the moment' ever again.
Are your goals for this Holiday season based on joy and experience, or are you full of dread and fear to simply "get through"? What can you do to bring the focus back to what is really important?
Without apology....♥

How much do WE dictate our own experiences?

2011-11-28T14:33:00.000-08:00

"When we put a limit on what we can do; we put a limit on what we can do"

-Charles Schwab

Seems simplistic, eh? But how many times in an average day, do your own 'limiting thoughts' predict what you do in that day? How much do we limit our own experiences, yet then blame our unhappiness or negative experiences on others?

We can always find something 'wrong', or something (or someone) we would like to change.

But how much effort is put into that evaluation, and the wish to change someone or something?

For myself, it brings up a lot of 'angst', and I find that my own experience is greatly compromised in the promise.

I have to let some things go. Life isn't fair, and all things will never be as I want them. I can choose to worry and fret (and complain), which takes a lot of my precious energy and joy; OR, I can choose to stop judging everything for it's good/bad status, and be grateful for the amazing things I have in my life! And I have much to be grateful for!!

In the grand scheme of things, may things could be different or better, in terms of what is right. But for today, which is ALL that I have in this moment, what really matters?

I don't like who I am when I focus on balancing it all out. I don't like how I feel, or how I treat other people. And I definitely don't like how it all impacts my daily experience.

The past 6-8 months have been very difficult for me. My own mortality has once again, been clarified for me with my Mother's passing.

Without 'forgetting' my pain or the emotions I feel, I can still choose to be grateful for the wonderful people in my life, my health, my job , and most of all, for my dear husband, who makes my mere existence beautiful ♥.

I already feel more peaceful.

Without apology......♥

Emotional Honesty: The Key to Healthy Relationships

2011-09-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

The topic of relationships came up in a group last week, and it became obvious very quickly that this topic is very complex. After thinking about it in relation to planning my topics for the support group, I came to a conclusion.
Emotional Honesty is the key to any healthy relationship.
It is also the key to feeling peace and less fear in your daily life. This, at least, has been my experience.
What is emotional honesty? The meaning is pretty easy; carrying it out is the difficult task.
For myself, learning to be emotionally honest was an involved process. I had to challenge many fears, including the fear of being rejected, unloved, criticized, or WRONG.
But first I had to gain an awareness of my emotions, because I had hidden them and denied them for most of my life.
Ultimately, this goes back to changing the way you cope with life, emotional distress and challenges. Or rather, deciding to face these things instead of running away [in many ways].
Uncovering those deep emotions inside, along with the values that coincide with the thought processes, is probably the most complex, but also the most rewarding aspect of this.
The 'how' of this is unique to every person, but my professional advice is that no one does this without the guidance of a therapist.
Being able to be emotionally honest means that you don't have to tailor your comments or actions to the specific person you are with, or the situation you are in. YOU are YOU, and that never needs to change. It's about trusting the core of who you are, and not shrinking back from what you believe in; regardless of whether others agree.
Emotional honestly pertains to your relationship to yourself as well. Can you accept your imperfections and keep moving forward?
This is not about vanity or over-confidence. There is humility in being emotionally honest as well. Can you admit your mistakes and apologize without beating yourself up?
The opposite of emotional honesty is isolation, paranoia, manipulation and secrets that hold a great deal of pain.
Approaching relationships with an open mind, an open heart, and confidence that you can be YOU without compromising yourself will reap you many rewards.
Without the component of emotional honesty, no one benefits. I learned the hard way.
Without apology.....♥

Every day is a New Beginning

2011-09-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

Some may consider the title to be a bit 'idealistic', but this is how I have learned to live my life. Truly. There are always changes, challenges and frustrations that come with daily life. We cannot avoid them. I am grateful that I no longer feel the need to try to escape the daily ups and downs, and that I actually look forward to learning from those moments that force me to think [outside of the box]
The last four months have presented me with some exceptionally challenging and painful situations. I have had to accept that with the passing of time comes loss, and the resulting situations are painful. My Mother's short illness of seven weeks prior to her death has left me feeling a myriad of emotions.
I regret that I have learned as much if not more about my parents after their death than I did during the entire time that they were living.
As I move through these emotions, I am realizing that this 'ending' is not unlike a beginning.
The phases that come with the passing of time contain both endings and beginnings. I don't have to like the 'plan', or even understand it. What I have chosen to do is to keep moving forward.
I believe that there are opportunities for new beginnings for us all. I have found that with my recovery from an eating disorder, my eyes have been opened more fully.
Life is bigger, brighter and overall more full.
I am currently walking into new opportunities in every phase of my life. The Recovery Support Group is beginning a new session, and I am excited about the new format and topics!
The 'outreach' aspect of my job title continues to grow, and I am noticing a new perspective in my message. I no longer feel the need to define recovery [for myself], as I am simply living my life. The fact that I know what an eating disorder 'feels' like, and I have moved beyond that in all ways, is not my identity, but rather a chapter in my book.
The first meeting of the support group will focus on life goals, and how these relate to the development of personal identity.
Perhaps you would want to ask yourself, "How well do my life goals fit into my plan for recovery, and how well does my recovery fit with my life goals?"
Every day holds new beginnings. Are you keeping your eyes open to see them?
Without apology....♥

"BAD Body Image";The emotional connection

2011-07-24T12:53:00.000-07:00

Because so many people struggle with the aspect of body image and the discomfort of how they 'feel' in their bodies, I thought I would bring this up for discussion.
For myself, coming to terms and putting this aspect of the eating disorder and recovery behind me, definitely took the longest.
Hindsight has been my best teacher, no doubt, and I'd like to share some of things I have come to realize and understand.
The 'fat' feelings and hatred for my body came directly from how I equated myself to how I looked. And how I saw myself was all connected to not believing I was worthy, loveable or even 'nice'....let alone someone who people would accept. Acceptance and fear of rejection, to me, was all centered around how I believed others 'saw' me, quite literally.
My self-confidence and self-esteem were directly entwined with how I saw and felt about my body.
I started challenging my beliefs first by noticing when I 'felt' more uncomfortable, and then I would literally 'tell' myself that it wasn't truly physical, but it was emotional. Then, I asked myself what am I feeling, and what am I holding in, and not expressing? I couldn't always answer that, but interrupting the process helped me to separate my physical discomfort from my thoughts. Eventually, whether I could come to a clear conclusion or not about what was going on, simply reminding myself that my discomfort was emotional in nature, helped me to move on and not engage in symptoms or self-degradation because of it.
I also began challenging my beliefs that people would reject me, which had held me captive for many many years. I expected to be shunned, but the beautiful thing was, I never was! The more I challenged this, and proved my beliefs wrong, the more confident I became.
This increase in self-acceptance and confidence helped me tremendously. I no longer feel the body discomfort. I do not equate my identity to my body or shape. And I approach life and it's experiences with my eyes wide open. If anyone has a problem with that, it's not my concern.
Without apology....♥

Scales don't 'fit' into Recovery!

2011-06-18T13:00:00.001-07:00

If you notice the picture above, you will see one of the creative results of a recent peer-run group. If you look closely, you can see that there are four sections, which, when all fit together, form the shape of the 'Recovery' symbol.
It was a hot day, we went outside with a bathroom scale and a large hammer. One by one, each person took their turn by throwing, hammering, and stomping on the scale. The intention was to destroy it, piece by piece, and to parallel the act of destroying the scale with tearing down the power that the scale has had over so many people who are suffering from an eating disorder (and many people overall, in our society today).
It was interesting to hear how therapeutic this way for many of these people, as a way to get some of their pent up anger released.
Once all of the pieces of the scale were gathered up, we went to another location, split the group as a whole into four sections, each one taking one of the sections to personalize. The idea was to 'picture' how a scale cannot fit into recovery, by gluing pieces of the broken scale around the recovery symbol, while also writing inspirational quotes or phrases inside the symbol itself. Once the pieces were fit together again, some additional things were written inside the symbol that 'fit' into recovery.
The four pieces will be mounted so that the project in it's entirety can be hung inside the River Centre Clinic in a prominent location.
The consensus of those who participated was that physically breaking apart the scale was a very powerful experience, and that being free to express anger toward the eating disorder in a very tangible way was therapeutic. One person mentioned that seeing the 'numbers' as a piece of paper, that could be simply torn apart, helped her to realize how she does not want a piece of paper to determine her worth.
All in all, everyone agreed that this activity held a lot of meaning for them, and they expressed pride in the finished product.
I plan to do this project on a regular basis as the 'community' at the River Centre Clinic constantly changes.
We have a lot of useless scales to smash!
Without apology....♥

BALANCE and SAFETY

2011-04-24T10:59:00.000-07:00

You know how, when you wake in the morning, your brain kicks into high gear, and the 'balancing' game begins?
Before your feet hit the floor, you already have your day's food and activity mapped out in your head. All planned. Even. One balances the other out. Safety....right?
The phone rings. You are asked to help out with your nephew while your sister goes to the doctor...oh no. That means you can't eat 'your' food for lunch. You will probably have to eat something 'unknown' in front of others, unless you can avoid it all together. Just to be sure, safe, all balanced out.....you do 5 extra miles on the treadmill or you do 200 extra crunches. Ahh.....safe again.
What about that doctor's appointment? The nurse is going to weigh you. Can you ask her not to tell you? But she will know, and what will she think? Better not eat breakfast, or drink anything. Maybe an extra hour of exercise or 10 more laxatives will balance it all out. Or......you know you have lost weight since your last visit. What to say? You will have to drink 3 glasses of water and try to get by with leaving your shoes on while they weigh you....they are clueless anyway, right?
Yet, maybe they should know you lost weight. Maybe they will think it's a good thing. They certainly don't know how much you are struggling, or that it's a 'real' problem. Maybe you don't really need to see the doctor....you cancel the appointment until you can figure out how to balance it all out.
It's Wednesday. You know the weekend is full of activity and meals out with others. You know you will be unable to exercise and you will be 'forced' to eat foods that you don't want, and more of it. For the three days prior, you do twice the amount of exercise and take twice the number of laxatives to be sure that the weekend balances things out. You will be 'caught up' before it even starts. In the end, you end up eating less than you would have on your own plan and you exercise those days anyway.
It's never enough. It never balances out. The fear is always there that you won't be 'prepared', and then what?

Is any of this familiar to you? How much time do you spend calculating and balancing your life, your food, your activity, etc., in order to feel 'safe'? What are you missing during that time? The laughter of your child? Watching a hummingbird in your yard? An opportunity to laugh, to feel the sun on your face, or to smile into your elderly Mother's eyes?
I did this for many years...for over 3 decades. I can't even imagine the emotional energy I wasted on trying to make it all 'balance' out. But I can see what I missed. I now know I was running from, or avoiding FEELING the true pain and joy of life. Either end of the spectrum frightened me.
I attempted to meet up to others' expectations, yet I was sacrificing my own identity in the process. I believed that by keeping others happy I would be safe, when in fact, it nearly killed me several times.
Today is Easter Sunday, 2011. I was thinking this morning about how free I am. I began to remember some of the scenarios that I described above, and how imprisoned I was by my own mindset. I cannot remember any day that was not a complicated balancing act in my mind.
Of course I didn't realize at the time just how narrow my life had become.
What changed it for me? It was another kind of fear, at a much greater level.
My 'aha' moment was many combined moments, of pain and fear and grief. When my17yo son was killed, my life was changed forever. These changes led me to search for answers, and in the process I found my life.
What has been, or will be your 'aha' moment?
Think about your 'balancing' act, and is it working for you? What are you sacrificing in the process?
Carry out your experience, and ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that will happen if I don't 'balance' today out?" And....where is my current plan leading?

Without apology....♥

COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS: The Ten Forms of Self Defeating Thoughts

2011-03-14T03:46:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share a bit some information that I have found to be very helping in the process of increasing self-awareness, which is critical during recovery from an eating disorder. I'd love to know if any of you can identify with these, and how you have replaced them with healthy and more rational ways of thinking.....

1) All or nothing-thinking (Black/White thinking)
When you see every situation as all or nothing. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure.

2) Overgeneralization
You see a single example of rejection or error as a never ending pattern of defeat; using words such as "always" or "never" when you think about it.

3) Mental Filter
When you pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, until your reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water.

4) Discounting the positive
You may reject positive experiences by insisting that they 'don't count'. If you do a good job, you can't accept that it's good enough, and you discount it's value.

5) Jumping to conclusions
You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion.
a)Mind Reading; making conclusions without checking
out the facts.
b)Fortune Telling; predicting that things will turn
out badly.

6) Magnification (Mountains & Mole Hills)
When you exaggerate the importance of yoru problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. May also be referred to as the
"Binocular trick".

7) Emotional reasoning
When you assume that your negative emotions are reflective of the way things really are. Such as "I feel guilty; I must be a terrible person."

8) "Should statements"
You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. "should" statements that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. If they are directed against other people or the world in general, this can lead to anger and frustration.

9) Labeling
This is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of stating, "I made a mistake", you may say, "I'm a loser". Or you may label yourself as a "failure", a "jerk", etc. This may extend to others as well. You seem them as totally bad.

10) Personalization and blame
When you feel responsible for everything bad or wrong that happens in your world, or even in the world of those around you. However, you don't take credit for the good things that may happen.

Without apology...♥

I Can Only Imagine

2011-03-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

FEELING can be painful, no doubt about it.
I still choose it over the numbness and clouds of being enveloped by an eating disorder.
It's been a very emotional weekend for me. I keep reminding myself that I was never promised
that life would be fair, or that it's meant to be easy.
Of course I would like that. Everyone happy, no injustice. No one dying, and no pain.
Accepting that life is not fair, perfect or always joyful took me a long time, but after Tim was shot dead just three months after his 17th birthday, I realized that I had not choice, really.
Back to this weekend.
Sometimes the 325 mile trip is fairly benign, and other times, memories come flooding, which evolves into a flood of tears.
Just to clarify, I have NO desire to ever live in Bedford again. However, I lived the first [almost] 46 years of my life in that area, so there will always be part of Bedford in me.
I will always have the memories of my own childhood [not so great, but even so...], and the more emotional memories of raising my boys. Being a Mother was the greatest gift I was ever given.
After having Tim taken almost 10 years ago, and now, Matt so lost in his own life, and pulling farther and farther away, the 'Mother' part of me is trembling, withering and simply hurting.
If you are familiar with the song, "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe, you may understand why it touches a very tender place for me. That song was popular at the time of Tim's death. Every time I hear it I cry. No, I sob, and I envision him with my Father, his 'Papaw', dancing in Heaven.
The song came on the radio about 30 minutes North of Bedford as we drove in on Saturday.
I imagined Tim wearing Matt's football jersey "54" [which Matt had buried with Tim], dancing with my Dad.
I miss them both so much.
Death frightens me......or more so, the thought of losing someone I love frightens me.
We visited my Aunt in the hospital....my Father's older sister. She is 86, almost 87.
Another reminder that none of us lives forever [on this Earth].
This is a complex and painful thought for me.
Our visit to the cemetery brought more tears and an anger....I was struck once again at the unfairness of Tim's death, and I cannot help but wonder, yet again, what would he be like as an adult man? No one will ever know.
My attempt to meet up with Matt was met with angry words and statements of my own lack, what he doesn't have, and somehow, why it's my fault.
Although I have NO doubts that these accusations are false, it's painful to hear, and even more painful to know that Matt does believe them.
I didn't see Matt this weekend. He hung up on me twice.
As we are driving North, I feel an emptiness, like I'm leaving my sons behind. Not by choice, but due to the fact that life is not fair, and I must continue to embrace the life I have been given...and LIVE.
I don't want to be numb again. I won't be.
My daily life as I live it now holds countless opportunities for me. The pace of my life keeps me energized and excited about what I do, and while I may not always feel this sadness, I carry it with me. I am human. I have lost people dear to me, as many have.
I crave a relationship with Matt. I can't force it.
I have the opportunity to be in my grandson's life, and to hopefully enrich his life in some small way.
I will latch onto this and once again look into a small boy's eyes with love.
Thank you for reading.
Without apology....♥

Chasing myself....

2011-03-11T11:50:00.001-08:00

It's definitely time to write. I miss having time to share, vent, and release all of the words in my head; and there are many!

Yet, I wouldn't change a thing about my daily life, but I would love it if I could 'gift' myself a few additional hours of sleep each night!! Some days LIVING is certainly tiring!!

This has been a week of errors. No, I don't mean that the week has been a mistake, but that I have made far too many 'missteps' along the way, and even more upsetting has been my realization that I am still not forgiving enough of myself, for simply being human.

The good thing....I can now 'see' that I am beating myself up, almost before it begins, and I am able to interrupt it, or at least take

So WHO is to Blame?

2011-02-06T09:51:00.001-08:00

When working with families and individuals who are seeking treatment for an eating disorder, I try to dispel any blame that any of them may be feeling. Of course, no one can control another person's feelings, but parents, for the most part will feel responsible for their child's eating disorder in some way.
A person who is suffering from an eating disorder also usually believes that it's their own fault, for any number of reasons. But believe me, NO ONE, if they knew the pain and torture of an eating disorder would choose to take that route.
So who IS to blame?
Yes, we are all products of our environment, but that doesn't mean that parents are to blame if their child develops an eating disorder.
There are numerous situations that can play into the development of an eating disorder, and I don't believe that there is ever a clear indication of the exact cause.
Research is now proving that there may be a genetic component related to eating disorders.
Our culture, the media, and social pressures can have an influence.
Personality traits, such as anxiety, perfectionism, obsessionality, a need for order, can also play a part.
Medical conditions that may lead to weight loss are sometimes seen as a distinct precursor to the eating disorder.
Physical or sexual abuse, current or past, often play a part in the development of an eating disorder.
DIETING is the #1 risk factor for the development of an eating disorder, so finding the 'trigger' for dieting may offer answers.
What I tell patients, parents and families is that blame will not help anyone recover. But taking the situation from this moment on, getting good professional treatment, and keeping an open mind as to how everyone can support the person in treatment CAN be very helpful for full recovery.
RIGHT HERE: RIGHT NOW!!
What can YOU do?

Without apology ♥

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week: February 20-26, 2011

2011-01-29T04:49:00.000-08:00

The coming weeks and months will bring another flood of activities and opportunities for outreach and education. I am excited about NEDAW, which is planned for February 20-26, 2011, throughout the US and perhaps other countries (?)
In my little world, combined with the efforts at The River Centre Clinic, that week will be filled with many activities, which hopefully will be helpful in educating and creating more awareness about these devastating disorders.
Many activities are planned internally at RCC, which we hope will encourage hope and positive motivation.
Our community efforts will include two days at the Westfield Franklin Park Mall, offering educational materials and the opportunity for people to take the EAT-26 self-test, with evaluation. We are also making NEDAW ribbons to hand out to those who want to promote this special week.
The Women's Studies group on the campus at BGSU is hosting a brownbag luncheon on Wednesday, Feb. 23, from Noon-1:00pm, where myself and my assistant, Anna, will be speaking about the 'truths' about eating disorders and how one can support others who may be suffering.
We are still finalizing possible plans with UT and Lourdes College, with those activities to be announced.
Plans are also just beginning for the 2011 NEDA Walk, to be held once again at Olander Park in Sylvania. The date this year is Sunday, May 22, 2011, with registration beginning at 9:30am.
More details will be forthcoming very soon.
I am excited to be planning a trip to Miami at the end of April to attend the ICED, which is seen as the 'premier' of all ED Conferences. That remains to be seen, but I am excited to once again, have the opportunity to network and gather additional information about things that are happening in the professional field of eating disorders.
My daily work continues to be busy, with no two days ever alike. My responsibilities also continue to change, as changes are made internally with nursing and clinical needs.
It's apparent to anyone who has followed my Blog, that I simply don't have much time to 'journal' anymore, but I also do not feel the need for that type of writing. My updates here will hopefully assist others in taking action and being involved in these opportunities for networking and increasing awareness about eating disorders. Wishing you all well,
Without apology....♥

If you know what is NOT working....

2011-01-09T06:39:00.000-08:00

I can remember years ago while I was still seeing a therapist, I continued to find myself caught up in the wishful thinking, complaining about what wasn't 'good', what I hated about my life, and how tired I was of fighting the eating disorder. I was easily caught up in how awful things still were, and it made it very difficult for me to switch up my thinking and take responsibility for trying some new things...instead of waiting to be forced or until I 'felt' like it. I realized that I might never 'feel' like doing certain things, which was a major part of my problem in the first place. It was never going to be easier or feel better to do things differently, at least not at first.
My therapist pointed out that I had plenty of evidence of what did NOT work. So why did I continue to think that one special day it would...without doing something different?
An eating disorder does not leave your life because YOU wish it away, or because you are aware, day by day, how it is destroying your life.
The only way to leave it behind, to disconnect the eating disorder from your day by day emotions [which we all have], is to take action. Do something different. Follow a meal plan. See a professional. Be proactive in seeking new avenues for your life if that is what you need.
Writing can be a tremendously useful tool to increase self-awareness, but what are you going to do with that awareness?
Each day is a new opportunity to change, to find a new 'tool' that can help you find your way to recovery. Or it can be another day to do nothing, to talk, write and pout about what isn't working and how miserable you are, and how many symptoms you are having as a result.
No one can be expected to be positive and upbeat every day. That is not normal either.
But we all can do something every day towards bettering our life.
What can YOU do differently today to take one more step towards healing and recovery?
Without apology ♥

As 2010 Draws to a Close.....

2010-12-24T12:44:00.000-08:00

You know when you put something off for so long, it gets harder and harder to go back to it? Well, here it is, Christmas Eve, and I haven't written here for way too long, but it's time for an update, so....
My life has changed dramatically even in the two years since I began writing this Blog. Wow!
I started off, still 'in recovery', but wanting to write about my own experiences, with the hope that others would find hope and believe in recovery for themselves. I hope that has been the case. As I have read my posts from the beginning up to the ones more recently (well, not so recently! :), I can see that much has changed, and even more so, 'between the lines'.
For a while, I thought about closing out the Blog, but I don't want to do that, and I'm not sure that anything on the Internet disappears anyway! ♥
Today I'd like to reflect and share about some of the truly unbelievable things that are happening in my life, and how every day is still such a special gift.
My perspective on my life comes from a new place now. I don't think in terms of 'being recovered', even though I am, but I am simply living my life, fully and with abundant energy.
My years of 'experience' of being ill or in recovery have definitely played a huge part in who I have become, but I truly don't focus on that so much anymore.
I value that part of myself, and I have no shame or reluctance about sharing it when appropriate, but I have moved on. I am in an entirely new place in my life, and I am loving every minute of it!
Because I am working at The River Centre Clinic now, putting in about 50 hours a week at the least, my life revolves around this, which continues to amaze me!
My days fly by, with duties ranging from Nursing, coordinating the admissions, doing all of the assessments, and having patients of my own to follow while they are in treatment, not to mention all of the 'in the moment' things that come up. My point? I could NEVER have imagined being able to do what I am doing, let alone working alongside the very professionals who helped to save my life. Yes, I am 'disclosing' some things here, but not much that most of you reading this don't know. This is a Blog, right?
The fact that I had an eating disorder rarely comes up. I use to think that recovery would be my only identity....because I myself could not identify with anything but the eating disorder, treatment or recovery.
I am thrilled to tell you all that there is life beyond an eating disorder, and even life beyond recovery...if that makes sense!
I love to write, but for a very long time it was also my only outlet. I wrote to process, and it was a very integral part of my recovery. Now? I find that I don't NEED to write, and I often am at a loss as to what to write about unless I am answering a question, or responding to a need expressed on the support site that I monitor.
I don't see a therapist because I don't need to! Imagine that ♥
I remember almost nine years ago, after I had been in treatment for a while, I made the remark (and was totally serious) that I would meal plan for the rest of my life if necessary to be 'well'. At that point I had no idea what 'well' meant. Hindsight has revealed to me that I probably said that because I believed that I would have to meal plan for the rest of my life in order to not be sick...to be 'well'.
I don't meal plan anymore, and I don't think about calories, in any respect. Many people believe that using a calorie based meal plan system will only cause one to become more obsessed with calories. For a time, that may be true...but being obsessed about eating ENOUGH is much different from being obsessed about not eating, or because one is literally starving.
The need to count calories will 'die a natural death'... in a good way, if a person doesn't stop meal planning too early.
Again, my point, I could never have believed that I could 'just eat', and my body would be healthy. It is true, a healthy body will protect it's set point.
I trust my body now. Whoa! I never thought I would think or admit that!
I also truly get hungry, and I don't feel guilty about it. I crave french fries of all foods!
And I eat them often :)
Not only am I no longer 'planning' my food intake, but I no longer need to plan my daily life, as a way to be in control. Yes, I need to be organized, but interruptions or spontaneous decisions are quite nice in my opinion. Life is not meant to be controlled to the point that there is no room to LIVE! Think about it.
What does 2011 hold for me? I do not know it all, but I do know that I will continue to live each day that I am given to the fullest, be it spending time with my dear husband, working to help others find their lives without an eating disorder, or chilling to the tunes of the Eagles with my cat on my lap....
Without apology ♥

Four Phases of Recovery +

2010-10-16T11:49:00.001-07:00

Being given the opportunity once again to attend the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) Conference for 2010, was quite an honor.
I'd like to share some insight that was emphasized once again for me while I was there.

Recovery from an eating disorder can be broken into four main phases, which of course, look and play out differently for every individual.
#1) The Turning Point: this is a subjective response to having 'enough', being tired of being sick. This phase may require multiple 'moments', each of which builds strength upon strength, until the person makes the decision to get help. One must decide to move beyond the state of arrested development that an eating disorder often signifies. This phase marks the beginning of a process (recovery) that may take years to complete.
#2) Treatment: this phase is mandatory for FULL recovery. While treatment can't 'cure' an eating disorder, it can help a person develop the self-responsibility that is necessary to complete the process.
#3) Restoration: this is the phase during which physical health is restored. A person who became ill at age 14 may need time to 'catch up' developmentally. They have experienced 'delayed adolescence' in a sense. This is an involved, yet exciting time of exploration. This is also when a person begins to restore a core sense of self.
#4) Discovery: an exploration of one's major life goal, moving toward a mature sense of self. A person's individual character and personality will begin to bloom, which leads to a level of empowerment and self-directedness never reached before.

THE BONUS PHASE: The Wise Mind: This is when trust in recovery develops, fears disappear, and the former shame and stigma that may have been felt about having an eating disorder morphs into a new freedom and a deeper understanding of self.

Without apology ♥

Exchanges vs.Calories

2010-10-06T16:48:00.000-07:00

So what is wrong with the 'exchange system'?
NOTHING!
Unless you have an eating disorder.
I don't know the history of the 'exchange system', which is often used in the field of nutrition. I don't doubt that it's been useful for many people who may need some structure for eating, due to any number of medical illnesses.
What I DO know is that it's likely the worst possible approach to meal planning for someone who is in treatment for an eating disorder.
If you are reading this, you likely know that the mindset of someone suffering with an eating disorder is not usually rational. This in itself is due to malnutrition and [likely] being in a state of starvation. Even people who struggle with bingeing and purging are starving. Their bodies are being deprived of consistent, adequate nutrition.
The eating disordered mind thinks in terms of 'less' and 'smaller' and often classifies foods as good or bad.
With the exchange system of tracking food intake, you have four or five major food categories which make up your recommended daily intake. Within these categories you may have numerous choices, which are supposedly interchangeable. The truth is, when you compare nutritional value (calories), these choices could vary up to 50-75 calories among items in a certain category. What do you think the person with the eating disordered mindset is going to choose? Naturally, they will always pick the lower calorie item. Don't doubt for one minute that they don't know which item that is.
For example, apples can vary greatly in size, and up to 50 calories based on their size. The same goes for a slice of bread. Different types of bread can also vary at least this much.
If you consider a person's intake for an entire day, and they have made these choices with an eating disordered mindset, they could end up eating several hundred calories less than if they had made different choices within those food categories.
If you don't have an eating disorder, and never have, I can't begin to explain or help you comprehend the power of that eating disordered mindset. The person cannot help but choose according to their eating disordered beliefs.
Precise calories is the only sure and safe way to develop a recovery meal plan. Unless you know the precise and exact calories that you are eating, there is no way to know how your body will react to food and calories. This is also the only way to challenge the fears that a person with an eating disorder has about food. There is a science behind this, in terms of using this concept in treatment. I am not a scientist, nor do I claim to be. But I do know, without a doubt, that this works. Otherwise, I would not be alive tonight to write this.
Counting calories can be a healthy thing when used for recovery, and it's a way of maintaining control, while learning how to let go of unnecessary control of other areas of your life.
Meal planning and counting calories is necessary for effective treatment, but it doesn't have to last forever.
Believe me, it's much better than living [or dying] with an eating disorder.
Without apology....♥

Setting Personal Boundaries

2010-10-02T07:43:00.000-07:00

Many of us have real problems setting personal boundaries, with others, ourselves, and yes, an eating disorder!
Here are a few things I have learned along the way in my own recovery, that have proven to be true and helpful....
**Establishing boundaries helps to keep you safe. Others know they cannot take advantage of you. Your messages are clear. We have a right and a duty to protect ourselves!
**If you don't set boundaries, you could be giving yourself away. YOU are in control of how much you give, and also how much you keep of yourself for yourself.
**Setting boundaries with others can actually help THEM grow. It helps to make them conscious of their own behaviors which may allow them to change as well.
**Setting boundaries may allow you to get more of what YOU want and less of what you don't. You can protect yourself from unwanted behaviors, and encourage the behaviors that will empower you.
**Effective people set boundaries. You are more in control of your time and efforts, and this can greatly increase the positive feelings you have about yourself.
**Stand up for yourself-don't back down! In order for this to work for you, you must develop a commitment to uphold what is right and true for YOU. Be consistent!
**Practice makes perfect! This is new behavior, and it will FEEL awkward, and maybe not GOOD, but the more you practice it and experience the rewards, the better it will FEEL. It will become more automatic and comfortable in time.
Some examples of personal boundaries:
People may NOT:
**Criticize me.
**Humiliate me.
**Invade my personal space or belongings.
**Lie to me.
**Make derogatory comments about my appearance.
**Take advantage of me.
**Take their anger or frustration out on me.

Put this into practice and see how it affect the relationships you have with those around you, and with yourself!

Without apology..... ♥

Society's Confusion

2010-09-22T05:26:00.000-07:00

Or perhaps a better title could be 'our' confusion, meaning those who have suffered, or are battling with an eating disorder, and searching for truths within their own eating disordered mindset.
The irrational 'balancing game', as I refer to it often, seems very logical to the person who thinks they have control over their behaviors vs. eating. Looking deeper, I seriously doubt that many could truly say that it's 'working' FOR them.
I see a major part of the problem in the multitude of recommendations (the dieting industry) out there, that only confuse the mind of a person with an eating disorder even further.
The most effective approach is to seek the guidance of a professional, who truly understands and is experienced in treating eating disorders.
The information available to the average 'consumer' is misleading and downright dangerous.
*Dieting is dangerous and does NOT work.
*Dieting is the number one cause of obesity, AND eating disorders.
*If you are struggling with the eating disorder 'rules' and feel confused, do NOT look for answers on the Internet, or on the shelf at the pharmacy containing diet products.
Food is our energy to live, to laugh, to bear children, and to be free....from the prison of an eating disorder.
You will always find another 'scheme' to which you could follow, but the best way to proceed in a healthy direction is to eat well, and to seek the guidance of a good therapist.
Chaotic eating, restricting, and any compensating behaviors (purging, laxative abuse, exercising, etc. ) will only leave you with a greater chance of having to accept (or fight) a higher body setpoint weight. It happens.
In my opinion, the most important concept is to embrace that your body serves you in many amazing ways....any attempts to make it other than what it is will only lead to you being shortchanged from the benefits of YOUR body.
Without apology....♥

The Diet Myth

2010-09-15T16:46:00.001-07:00

Most people think that dieting is a simple process, and in theory it is. To lose weight, you simply have to eat less, right?
However, in reality, dieting is not a simple task and much of the time dieters do not eat less than do non-dieters. Research reveals a great discrepancy between what people 'think' dieters do and what dieters 'actually' do.
Many studies have found that across a variety of conditions, dieters typically eat more than do non-dieters. Maintaining control of eating for dieters is rare. A variety of 'diet disrupters' or triggers of overeating have been revealed by numerous laboratory studies. These same 'triggers' are shown to inhibit dietary intake by non-dieters. These may include situations where the person is anxious, distressed or depressed.
Dieting has been proven to be the #1 factor in the development of an eating disorder. The myth behind dieting is not only misleading, but may also be dangerous and even fatal in some instances.
Over time, dieting most often leads to binge eating, which along with the resulting decreased metabolism, will lead to unnecessary weight gain. So even if one who is caught up in the yo-yo dieting cycle does stabilize their eating, they are likely to maintain a higher weight, on much fewer calories than ever before.
The 'non-diet' approach to living is the healthiest one. Eating according to body cues and hunger, instead of social or cognitive factors is the best way to go. Also, having no foods that are 'forbidden' will eliminate the psychological frustration that is associated with dieting.
It's important to remember that we are not numbers...although society will attempt to make us such. Our bodies are truly meant to be vessels of strength, to allow us to live our lives fully, love unconditionally, and to BE FREE.

Without apology....♥

STARVATION and BEHAVIOR

2010-08-28T15:34:00.000-07:00

NOTE: This is a rather long 'post;, but it explains some of the most valuable information pertaining to the effects of starvation on human behavior. Please take the time to read the entire writing.

The following is an adaptation of "Handbook for Treatment of Eating Disorders" p. 145-177 by David M. Garner, Ph.D., which describes a study performed by Ancel Keyes at the University of Minnesota.

The short version: Physically AND mentally healthy MEN were given a diet of about 1/2 their normal intake for about 6 months. Almost all of the men began to show symptoms and behaviors identical to those seen in people with EDs. Then, when the starvation phase was ended, the men continued to show drastically unhealthy behaviors regarding food and overall mental health.

STARVATION SYMPTOMS
One of the most important advancements in the understanding of eating disorders is the recognition that severe and prolonged dietary restriction can lead to serious physical and psychological complications (Garner, 1997). Many of the symptoms once thought to be primary features of anorexia nervosa are actually symptoms of starvation. Given what we know about the biology of weight regulation, what is the impact of weight suppression on the individual? This is particularly relevant for those with anorexia nervosa, but is also important for people with eating disorders who have lost significant amounts of body weight. Perhaps the most powerful illustration of the effects of restrictive dieting and weight loss on behavior is an experimental study conducted almost 50 years ago and published in 1950 by Ancel Keys and his colleagues at the University of Minnesota (Keys et al., 1950). The experiment involved carefully studying 36 young, healthy, psychologically normal men while restricting their caloric intake for 6 months. More than 100 men volunteered for the study as an alternative to military service; the 36 selected had the highest levels of physical and psychological health, as well as the most commitment to the objectives of the experiment. What makes the "starvation study" (as it is commonly known) so important is that many of the experiences observed in the volunteers are the same as those experienced by patients with eating disorders. This section of this chapter is a summary of the changes observed in the Minnesota study.

During the first 3 months of the semistarvation experiment, the volunteers ate normally while their behavior, personality, and eating patterns were studied in detail. During the next 6 months, the men were restricted to approximately half of their former food intake and lost, on average, approximately 25% of their former weight. Although this was described as a study of "semistarvation," it is important to keep in mind that cutting the men's rations to half of their former intake is precisely the level of caloric deficit used to define "conservative" treatments for obesity (Stunkard, 1993). The 6 months of weight loss were followed by 3 months of rehabilitation, during which the men were gradually refed. A subgroup was followed for almost 9 months after the re-feeding began. Most of the results were reported for only 32 men, since 4 men were withdrawn either during or at the end of the semistarvation phase. Although the individual responses to weight loss varied considerably, the men experienced dramatic physical, psychological, and social changes. In most cases, these changes persisted during the rehabilitation or re-nourishment phase.

ATTITUDES AND BEHAVIOR RELATED TO FOOD AND EATING
One of the most of the striking changes that occurred in the volunteers was a dramatic increase in food preoccupations. The men found concentration on their usual activities increasingly difficult, because they became plagued by incessant thoughts of food and eating. During the semistarvation phase of the experiement, food became a principal topic of conversation, reading, and daydreams. Rating scales revealed that the men experienced an increase in thinking about food, as well as corresponding declines in interest in sex and activity during semistarvation. The actual words used in the original report are particularly revealing and the following quotations followed by page numbers in parentheses are from Keys et al. (1950) with permission of the University of Minnesota Press.

As starvation progressed, the number of men who toyed with their food increased. They made what under normal conditions would be weird and distasteful concoctions, . . . Those who ate in the common dining room smuggled out bits of food and consumed them on their bunks in a long-drawn-out ritual, . . . Toward the end of starvation some of the men would dawdle for almost two hours after a meal which previously they would have consumed in a matter of minutes, . . . Cookbooks, menus, and information bulletins on food production became intensely interesting to many of the men who previously had little or no interest in dietetics or agriculture. [The volunteers] often reported that they got a vivid vicarious pleasure from watching other persons eat or from just smelling food.

In addition to cookbooks and collecting recipes, some of the men even began collecting coffeepots, hot plates, and other kitchen utensils. According to the original report, hoarding even extended to non-food-related items such as "old books, unnecessary second-hand clothes, knick knacks, and other 'junk.í Often after making such purchases, which could be afforded only with sacrifice, the men would be puzzled as to why they had bought such more or less useless articles". One man even began rummaging through garbage cans. This general tendency to hoard has been observed in starved anorexic patients (Crisp, Hsu, & Harding, 1980) and even in rats deprived of food (Fantino & Cabanac, 1980). Despite little interest in culinary matters prior to the experiment, almost 40% of the men mentioned cooking as part of their postexperiment plans. For some, the fascination was so great that they actually changed occupations after the experiment; three became chefs, and one went into agriculture!

The Minnesota subjects were often caught between conflicting desires to gulp their food down ravenously and consume it slowly so that the taste and odor of each morsel would be fully appreciated. Toward the end of starvation some of the men would dawdle for almost two hours over a meal which previously they would have consumed in a matter of minutes. . .they did much planning as to how they would handle their day's allotment of food. The men demanded that their food be served hot, and they made unusual concoctions by mixing foods together, as noted above. There was also a marked increase in the use of salt and spices. The consumption of coffee and tea increased so dramatically that the men had to be limited to 9 cups per day; similarly, gum chewing became excessive and had to be limited after it was discovered that one man was chewing as many as 40 packages of gum a day and "developed a sore mouth from such continuous exercise".

During the 12-week refeeding phase of the experiment, most of the abnormal attitudes and behaviors in regard to food persisted. A small number of men found that their difficulties in this area were quite severe during the first 6 weeks of refeeding:

BINGE EATING
During the restrictive dieting phase of the experiment, all of the volunteers reported increased hunger. Some appeared able to tolerate the experience fairly well, but for others it created intense concern and led to a complete breakdown in control. Several men were unable to adhere to their diets and reported episodes of binge eating followed by self-reproach. During the eighth week of starvation, one volunteer flagrantly broke the dietary rules, eating several sundaes and malted milks; he even stole some penny candies. He promptly confessed the whole episode, [and] became self-deprecatory". While working in a grocery store, another man suffered a complete loss of will power and ate several cookies, a sack of popcorn, and two overripe bananas before he could "regain control" of himself. He immediately suffered a severe emotional upset, with nausea, and upon returning to the laboratory he vomited. . .He was self-deprecatory, expressing disgust and self-criticism.

One man was released from the experiment at the end of the semistarvation period because of suspicions that he was unable to adhere to the diet. He experienced serious difficulties when confronted with unlimited access to food "He repeatedly went through the cycle of eating tremendous quantities of food, becoming sick, and then starting all over again". During the refeeding phase of the experiment, many of the men lost control of their appetites and "ate more or less continuously".

Even after 12 weeks of refeeding, the men frequently complained of increased hunger immediately following a large meal.

[One of the volunteers] ate immense meals (a daily estimate of 5,000-6,000 cal.) and yet started "snacking" an hour after he finished ameal.[Another] ate as much as he could hold during the three regular meals and ate snacks in the morning, afternoon and evening. Several men had spells of nausea and vomiting. One man required aspiration and hospitalization for several days.

During the weekends in particular, some of the men found it difficult to stop eating. Their daily intake commonly ranged between 8,000 and 10,000 calories, and their eating patterns were described as follows:

Subject No. 20 stuffs himself until he is bursting at the seams, to the point of being nearly sick and still feels hungry; No. 120 reported that he had to discipline himself to keep from eating so much as to become ill; No. 1 ate until he was uncomfortably full; and subject No. 30 had so little control over the mechanics of "piling it in" that he simply had to stay away from food because he could not find a point of satiation even when he was "full to the gills.". . ."I ate practically all weekend," reported subject No. 26. . .Subject No. 26 would just as soon have eaten six meals instead of three.

After about 5 months of refeeding, the majority of the men reported some normalization of their eating patterns, but for some the extreme overconsumption persisted "No. 108 would eat and eat until he could hardly swallow any more and then he felt like eating half an hour later". More than 8 months after renourishment began, most men had returned to normal eating patterns; however, a few were still eating abnormal amounts "No. 9 ate about 25 percent more than his pre-starvation amount; once he started to reduce but got so hungry he could not stand it".

Factors distinguishing men who rapidly normalized their eating from those who continued to eat prodigious amounts were not identified. Nevertheless, the main findings here are as follows: Serious binge eating developed in a subgroup of men, and this tendency persisted in come cases for months after free access to food was reintroduced; however, the majority of men reported gradually returning to eating normal amounts of food after about 5 months of refeeding. Thus, the fact that binge eating was experimentally produced in some of these normal young men should temper speculations about primary psychological disturbances as the cause of binge eating in patients with eating disorders. These findings are supported by a large body of research indicating that habitual dieters display marked overcompensation in eating behavior that is similar to the binge eating observed in eating disorders (Polivy & Herman, 1985, 1987; Wardle & Beinart, 1981). Polivy et al., (1994) compared a group of former World War II prisoners of war and non-interned veterans and found that the former prisoners lost an average of 10.5 Kg. They also reported a significantly higher frequency of binge eating than non-interned veterans according to a self-report questionnaire sent by mail.

EMOTIONAL AND PERSONALITY CHANGES
The experimental procedures involved selecting volunteers who were the most physically and psychologically robust. "The psychobiological 'stamina' of the subjects was unquestionably superior to that likely to be found in any random or more generally representative sample of the population".

Although the subjects were psychologically healthy prior to the experiment, most experienced significant emotional deterioration as a result of semistarvation. Most of the subjects experienced periods during which their emotional distress was quite severe; almost 20% experienced extreme emotional deterioration that markedly interfered with their functioning. Depression became more severe during the course of the experiment. Elation was observed occasionally, but this was inevitably followed by "low periods." Mood swings were extreme for some of the volunteers:

[One subject] experienced a number of periods in which his spirits were definitely high. . . These elated periods alternated with times in which he suffered "a deep dark depression."

Irritability and frequent outbursts of anger were common, although the men had quite tolerant dispositions prior to starvation. For most subjects, anxiety became more evident. As the experiment progressed, many of the formerly even-tempered men began biting their nails or smoking because they felt nervous. Apathy also became common, and some men who had been quite fastidious neglected various aspects of personal hygiene. During semistarvation, two subjects developed disturbances of "psychotic" proportions. During the refeeding period, emotional disturbance did not vanish immediately but persisted for several weeks, with some men actually becoming more depressed, irritable, argumentative, and negativistic than they had been during semistarvation. After two weeks of refeeding, one man reported his extreme reaction in his diary:

I have been more depressed than ever in my life. . .I thought that there was only one thing that would pull me out of the doldrums, that is release from C.P.S. [the experiment] I decided to get rid of some fingers. Ten days ago, I jacked up my car and let the car fall on these fingers. . .It was premeditated.

Several days latter, this man actually did chop off three fingers of one hand in response to the stress.

Standardized personality testing with the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) revealed that semistarvation resulted in significant increases on the Depression, Hysteria, and Hpochondriasis scales. The MMPI profiles for a small minority of subjects confirmed the clinical impression of incredible deterioration as a result of semistarvation. One man who scored well within normal limits at initial testing, but after 10 weeks of semistarvation and a weight loss of only about 4.5 kg (10 pounds, or approximately 7% of his original body weight), gross personality disturbances were evident on the MMPI. Depression and general disorganization were particularly striking consequences of starvation for several of the men who became the most emotionally disturbed.

SOCIAL AND SEXUAL CHANGES
The extraordinary impact of semistarvation was reflected in the social changes experienced by most of the volunteers. Although originally quite gregarious, the men became progressively more withdrawn and isolated. Humor and the sense of comradeship diminished amidst growing feelings of social inadequacy. The volunteers' social contacts with women also declined sharply during semistarvation. Those who continued to see women socially found that the relationships became strained. These changes are illustrated in the account from one man's diary:

I am one of about three or four who still go out with girls. I fell in love with a girl during the control period but I see her only occasionally now. It's almost too much trouble to see her even when she visits me in the lab. It requires effort to hold her hand. Entertainment must be tame. If we see a show, the most interesting part of it is contained in scenes where people are eating.

Sexual interests were likewise drastically reduced. Masturbation, sexual fantasies, and sexual impulses either ceased or became much less common. One subject graphically stated that he had "no more sexual feeling than a sick oyster." (Even this peculiar metaphor made reference to food.) Keys et al. observed that "many of the men welcomed the freedom from sexual tensions and frustrations normally present in young adult men" (p. 840). The fact that starvation perceptibly altered sexual urges and associated conflicts is of particular interest, since it has been hypothesized that this process is the driving force behind the dieting of many anorexia nervosa patients. According to Crisp (1980), anorexia nervosa is a adaptive disorder in the sense that it curtails sexual concerns for which the adolescent feels unprepared. During rehabilitation, sexual interest was slow to return. Even after 3 months, the men judged themselves to be far from normal in this area. However, after 8 months of renourishment, virtually all of the men had recovered their interest in sex.

COGNITIVE AND PHYSICAL CHANGES
The volunteers reported impaired concentration, alertness, comprehension, and judgment during semistarvation; however, formal intellectual testing revealed no signs of diminished intellectual abilities. As the 6 months of semistarvation progressed, the volunteers exhibited many physical changes, including gastrointestinal discomfort; decreased need for sleep; dizziness; headaches; hypersensitivity to noise and light; reduced strength; poor motor control; edema (an excess of fluid causing swelling); hair loss; decreased tolerance for cold temperatures (cold hands and feet); visual disturbances (i.e., inability to focus, eye aches, "spots" in the visual fields); auditory disturbances (i.e., ringing noise in the ears); and paresthesias (i.e., abnormal tingling or prickling sensations, especially in the hands or feet).

Various changes reflected an overall slowing of the body's physiological processes. There were decreases in body temperature, heart rate, and respiration, as well as in basal metabolic rate (BMR). BMR is the amount of energy (in calories) that the body requires at rest (i.e., no physical activity) in order to carry out normal physiological processes. It accounts for about two-thirds of the body's total energy needs, with the remainder being used during physical activity. At the end of semistarvation, the men's BMRs had dropped by about 40% from normal levels. This drop, as well as other physical changes, reflects the body's extraordinary ability to adapt to low caloric intake by reducing its need for energy. More recent recent research has shown that metabolic rate is markedly reduced even among dieters who do not have a history of dramatic weight loss (Platte, Wurmser, Wade, Mecheril & Pirke, 1996). During refeeding, Keys et al. found that metabolism speeded up, with those consuming the greatest number of calories experiencing the largest rise in BMR. The group of volunteers who received a relatively small increment in calories during refeeding (400 calories more than during semistarvation) had no rise in BMR for the first 3 weeks. Consuming larger amounts of food caused a sharp increase in the energy burned through metabolic processes.

SIGNIFICANCE OF THE "STARVATION STUDY"
As is readily apparent from the preceding description of the Minnesota experiment, many of the symptoms that might have been thought to be specific to anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are actually the results of starvation (Pirke & Ploog, 1987). These are not limited to food and weight, but extend to virtually all areas of psychological and social functioning. Since many of the symptoms that have been postulated to cause these disorders may actually result from undernutrition, it is absolutely essential that weight be returned to "normal" levels so that psychological functioning can be accurately assessed.

The profound effects of starvation also illustrate the tremendous adaptive capacity of the human body and the intense biological pressure on the organism to maintain a relatively consistent body weight. This makes complete evolutionary sense. Over hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution, a major threat to the survival of the organism was starvation. If weight had not been carefully modulated and controlled internally, early humans most certainly would simply have died when food was scarce or when their interest was captured by countless other aspects of living. The Keys et al. "starvation study" illustrates how the human being becomes more oriented toward food when starved and how other pursuits important to the survival of the species (e.g., social and sexual functioning) become subordinate to the primary drive toward food.

One of the most notable implications of the Minnesota experiment is that it challenges the popular notion that body weight is easily altered if one simply exercises a bit of "willpower." It also demonstrates that the body is not simply "reprogrammed" at a lower set point once weight loss has been achieved. The volunteers' experimental diet was unsuccessful in overriding their bodies' strong propensity to defend a particular weight level. Again, it is important to emphasize that following the months of refeeding, the Minnesota volunteers did not skyrocket into obesity. On the average, they gained back their original weight plus about 10%; then, over the next 6 months, their weight gradually declined. By the end of the follow-up period, they were approaching their preexperiment weight levels.

Providing patients with eating disorders with the above account of the semistarvation study can be very useful in giving them an "explanation" for many of the emotional, cognitive and behavioral symptoms that they experience. This as well as other educational materials (Garner, 1997) is based on the assumption that eating disorder patients often suffer from misconceptions about the factors that cause and then maintain symptoms. It is further assumed that patients may be less likely to persist in self-defeating symptoms if they are made truly aware of the scientific evidence regarding factors that perpetuate eating disorders. The educational approach conveys the message that the responsibility for change rests with the patient; this is aimed at increasing motivation and reducing defensiveness. The operating assumption is that the patient is a responsible and rational partner in a collaborative relationship.

NOTE: This final chapter is one that we at The River Centre Clinic put into practice regularly, in our attempt to provide the very best, specialized treatment to those who are suffering from an eating disorder.

Without apology....♥

Insurance Woes?

2010-08-21T07:03:00.000-07:00

What is it that is preventing you from getting help to recovery from an eating disorder?
Based on what I encounter on a daily basis, I would expect that for most people, it involves lack of insurance, lack of adequate resources, and/or the fact that if they do have insurance, coverage for eating disorder treatment is limited, if offered at all.
As we all are aware, many changes are occurring on the National scene in terms of healthcare, the details of which none of us knows for certain.
I am interested in any experiences YOU have had with insurance, where you were denied treatment, or adequate length of treatment, which could have helped you to fully recover.
Insurance companies often develop their own criteria, which may or may not be [loosely] based on the APA guidelines for eating disorder treatment. Sadly enough, THEY get to decide how much, and how long they will provide coverage for treatment. And the 'professionals' who make these decisions are often not educated, or interested in becoming educated about what type of treatment works, or why the treatment is vital for someone to recover.
Would a person being treated for cancer be told that insurance would cover 5 doses of chemotherapy, when a regimen of 10 treatments is the proven course to take? Maybe, but not likely.
I hear repeatedly that a person is not 'sick' enough [paraphrased] to be in treatment, unless they are medically unstable, or suicidal.
I suspect that any of you who are reading this realize, that an eating disorder is complex, and involves much more than reaching a stable 'medical' status. Sigh....
What is YOUR experience? How can you fight for what you need?
If you would like to share, please leave a comment, or feel free to email me at jlockert06@gmail.com.
Never give up!!
Without apology....♥

Independence vs. Dependence

2010-08-15T06:53:00.000-07:00

While thinking about the differences between independence and dependence, memories of feelings (can you have memories of feelings? I think so...) while growing up come to mind.
My desire to be independent was always diluted with feelings of obligation to conform to what was expected of me. This was not so much about not wanting to grow up, but more about not wanting to grow up and fit into the mold that was being prepared for me. That 'mold' never felt like it fit. Maybe losing weight was an attempt to make it fit? I don't know. But it didn't work. I know that I did want to grow up and become independent of those expectations, but at the same time, the guilt I felt associated with disappointing others or doing something 'wrong' was stronger.
Looking back now, I can see that as I attempted, in the only ways I knew how, to become independent and to take control of my life, I ended up being more dependent on others to guide me and take care of me due to the eating disorder. In reality, the eating disorder did not grant me greater control, but actually less. And as time went on, and I became weaker and more enmeshed in the psychological traps of the eating disorder, I depended on others to take care of me. I couldn't see it at the time, but it was that dichotomy that I have written about before. The push/pull dynamic....I was screaming for others to help me, while always pushing them away.
Not only was this an unhealthy way to be in relationship with others, it fueled the confusion caused by the eating disorder. I never learned how to be in an honest mutual relationship, and the concept was impossible for me to grasp.
While I believed and claimed that I wanted and needed to be left alone, the thought of being independent and self-sufficient terrified me. I had no trust in my ability or strength to take care of myself. Historically, the eating disorder had made that impossible. Hence, I became dependent on others for many things, but in a very unhealthy way. This also made it very easy for some of those people in my life to enable me, out of their own lack of knowledge of the disorder and the situation.
Independence means responsibility. I felt unable to handle the responsibilities that life hands us as we move forward. The terror kept pushing me back. Like so many other fears, I found that the ONLY way to get past is was to walk right through it.
Surrendering to recovery made me stronger, not weaker, and more confident to face new challenges.
I found myself at age 47, totally responsible for myself, for the first time in my life! I had to keep going and trust that I could do it with the healthy advice and support from others. I did, and I have....and I am now confident and afraid of very few things in life.
Asking for help and accepting help from others is completely different from dumping everything in someone else's lap to 'fix'. It feels a lot better too!!
Independence for me means I am my own person, which allows me to be in true, loving and honest relationship with others, without feeling compromised or diminished.
Without apology...♥

Broadening your Horizons

2010-08-08T06:08:00.000-07:00

An eating disorder, and the fears that accompany it, can and will narrow your world to the point of isolation, and cause you to feel alone and hopeless.
I grew up feeling unacceptable, by my peers, my family and most everyone else around me. Some of this was due to direct criticism, but the type of controlled, black/white environment that I was raised in was also a contributing factor. My future was dictated to me, and I see now that much of my resistance was based on my internals opposition to this. Yet, I felt unable to express my own desires, and I feared upsetting those around me. So I went along.....on the outside..until I could no longer.
That is when I began to seek acceptance by achieving a lower weight, which I was told, would make me a 'better' person. This message was not conveyed directly, in a verbal way, but by the way that I was encouraged to 'conform'.
My environment also portrayed a very dangerous and 'bad' world, which led me to believe that I was not safe unless I was 'hidden', or unless I remained submissive to the forces around me.
As I became more and more ill with an eating disorder, my world continued to narrow. My view of the world narrowed, and my fear increased. I truly saw no way 'out', so controlling my weight, and what I ate felt like my only source of safety, however convoluted that was.
During my treatment and recovery at the River Centre, I began to see how much more there was to the world, and how my fears were holding me back.
After my weight was restored to a healthy point, where I could fully engage in life and make my own choices in a safe way, I started to challenge my old beliefs, the beliefs that had been instilled in me, in a way that enabled me to know myself and become more independent.
My eyes are wide open in a way I have never known before. I see all experiences as a chance to grow, and I am not afraid.
My world have become so much larger, so much more fulfilling, and the relationships I have with the people around me are mutual. What a concept!
I can now see that as my body diminished in size, the world around me did also. My options were limited, my fears seemed insurmountable, and the walls were closing in.
How narrow is your world? What is holding you back from being fully alive each day?
The truth is, we each determine how we will live our lives. Sometimes we need help to break free from old limitations. No one needs to waste even one more day with their eyes half-open.
Without apology.....♥

River Centre Clinic: What was different?

2010-08-03T17:48:00.000-07:00

At least twenty people have asked me this question over the past few years, once they learn of my long struggle with Anorexia, and that I am now recovered. After hearing that I was in some very prestigious treatment programs, multiple hospitals (multiple times), and have now recovered fully after being treated at River Centre, I suppose it's an obvious question.
I could elaborate (as any of you who have read my writing know ♥), but I can make this pretty simple.
The treatment provided by the professionals at River Centre is evidence-based, which is critical for the complex nature of eating disorders.
I was seen as a person, not a dollar sign, and my treatment was based on MY needs, not what was convenient in the moment.
Hope was the first gift offered to me, upon my first visit to River Centre for an assessment, in November, 2001. NO ONE had ever even hinted to me that full recovery from an eating disorder was possible, let alone, possible for ME.
The professionals who worked with me understood, offered me compassion, but also held me accountable as I moved along the rocky road of recovery.
I knew right away that I could trust the 'team' to do right by me, to help me begin my life over without an eating disorder, and I knew that I would not be left 'undone', before I was ready.
The program at River Centre offered (and still offers) the perfect balance of accountability and independence for adults in recovery.
This is what made the difference for me. If you are struggling with an eating disorder, in treatment, or considering treatment, think about your present situation. Is it working? Are you getting the help you need? Each day belongs to YOU. You will never have that day again. NEVER GIVE UP!!
Without apology...♥

Closing the door.....forever ♥

2010-07-31T07:05:00.000-07:00

Recovering fully from an eating disorder, for me, and I believe anyone, means that you have to close and LOCK that door forever. I do not believe that anyone has to suffer, even just a little bit, for the rest of their life.
I hear people refer to 'always having to deal with it (IT being the eating disorder), as if it will always be a part of them. I don't buy it. I am living proof that this is false.
The concept of full recovery, complete, without 'residual' thoughts, fears or behaviors, is a very difficult one to grasp, especially if you are still in the midst of working recovery.
It's not a fast process, nor an easy one, but I found that once I truly closed the door, and turned my back on it, it is no longer a part of my life..in any way. I continue to be amazed by this, as I live my life in total freedom.
What did I do that finally allowed me to 'close the door'?
I stopped being dishonest..about my feelings, about my behaviors, and about WHO I am.
I embraced my meal plan for as long as necessary, and allowed it to be my anchor. No diet, low fat, or fat free foods are allowed in my house-at least for my consumption.
Now, I make sure that I eat WELL, which protects me from any of the old mindsets. I will NOT allow myself to procrastinate about things. I don't always have to make the prefect decision. I can change my mind, and move on. Life is too short to spend my time on things that I can't control, or that don't matter in the larger scheme of things.
I think more about 'the moment', what I want, what my body and mind need, and then I act on it.
I'm not ashamed to ask for help, to admit that I don't know everything, and I accept that I make mistakes.
Pleasing others is a nice bonus, but pleasing myself first is more important, and more powerful in the long run.
Closing the door to the eating disorder took a lot of hard work and time, but keeping it closed is much easier than I would have thought.
What is holding the door open for you? How can you close it once and for all?
It's not only possible, YOU can do it!!
Without apology...♥

Why Are You Seeking Treatment?

2010-07-25T07:28:00.000-07:00

As I've begun to work more closely with people who are seeking treatment to recover from their eating disorders, I realize that the answer to this question can vary greatly.
The reasons that people seek treatment are varied, and not always for their own well being. Some are seeking to make someone else happy. This goal in itself speaks to a dysfunction, whether it be well intentioned or not.
I am not against getting help because of outside pressure, because if you need it, your need it. My concern is that along the way it is vital that the person in treatment, embrace it for themselves, and not for someone else. Also, this points to a deeper need to walk away from the need to always please others..to learn to make your own choices and to be responsible for your own life.
Many people are simply 'tired of doing it'..the eating disorder is not serving them anymore, or they are experiencing the negative and life-threatening affects that the eating disorder is having on them. Fear is also a strong motivator.
Regardless of the reason, and the strength of a person's resolve and determination, recovery is hard. The process is likely the most difficult journey a person will take in their life. It is also the most rewarding. The personal awareness and strengths that one builds along the way is beyond any other.
A person who has recovered from an eating disorder is by far, much healthier in an emotional sense, than the average person walking down the street.
Are you seeking treatment, or working on recovery for yourself? Are you doing it because you want a better future? A family? Or do you want freedom from the rules and the prison that an eating disorder becomes?
What has led you to the point that you are reading this, seeking help, or searching for answers?
Without apology...♥

Is the Treatment for Eating Disorders Specialized?

2010-07-24T14:27:00.000-07:00

YES!
The following factors have been determined to contribute the most to the quality of treatment provided by therapists treating eating disorders. (Adapted from Rie et al., 2008, International Journal of Eating Disorders, 41, 307-317)

-Being respected
-Learning to take your own responsibility
-Learning how to eat normally
-Focus on recovering weight
-Focus on improving your body image
-Being taken seriously
-Trust in therapist
-Explanation of information on EDs
-Keeping a(n) (eating) diary
-Being able to talk about eating behaviors
-Treatment that addresses the person
-Being able to talk about feelings
-Focus on self esteem
-Being able to talk about thoughts
-Addressing underlying problems
-Being accepted as you are

When these specifics were ranked by both therapists and patients, the results showed that therapists placed the highest priority on behavioral change and eating disorder symptoms, while patients stressed the importance of the therapeutic relationship, and the need to address problems underlying the eating disorder.
I plan to write more about the important 'specialities' of working with eating disordered patients.

(Garner, D.M. & Keiper, C.D. (in press) Eating Disorders. In: J.Thomas & M. Herson (Editors). Handbook of Clinical Psychology Competencies (volume 3), New York: Springer.)

Fear of change, or fear of NOT changing?

2010-07-17T06:51:00.001-07:00

We all know the intense fear of change and the uncertainty of new situations and routines. When I suffered with an eating disorder, I was immobilized by my fears of taking risks or making changes, even though I was told I would 'feel' better. The uncertainty of life without an eating disorder, seemed worse to me than the perceived safety of the eating disorder.
Even though the eating disorder, and the affects it had on my life frightened me, the idea of changing, and the uncertainty associated with that, prevented me from taking risks to recover for many years.
The changes necessary for recovery will not get any easier by waiting. In fact, they are likely to become more frightening, as the obsessions of the eating disorder grow stronger (and they will). I can now see that my life became more and more 'narrow', the longer I was ill, and the sense of safety seemed stronger.
Becoming less afraid of change required me to walk right into it, to trust that it could not be any worse than my present situation, or what I perceived to be safe. I had gotten to the point where I knew I would die if I continued in the pattern I was caught in.
Very much like 'exposure therapy', the more I risked doing the things that scared me the most, the more safe I felt about change. I realized that change was my only way out, and as time went on, I found that those changes were actually freeing me!
This process is unique for every person recovering from an eating disorder, but I think the fact that doing what you are most afraid of, i.e. eating, not bingeing or purging, not exercising to extreme, or whatever happens to maintain the eating disorder for YOU, is the key to true recovery.
As I began my final treatment (and recovery!) at River Centre, I was certainly more afraid of NOT changing. The eating disorder had already taken more than 35 years of my life. Regardless of the fear I felt, I was ultimately more afraid that I would not change.
Where are YOU in this process?
Without apology....♥

Juggling the Numbers

2010-07-14T03:24:00.000-07:00

The 'balancing act' with numbers, in terms of weight, calories, amount of exercise, etc., is a very confusing and obsessive aspect of nearly any eating disorder. It nearly drove me insane, quite literally, during the long years of my own illness.
I wanted things to 'balance out'. I wanted symmetry in my life, in ALL areas. I wanted control. None of these desires were truly possible nor rational in order to live life as a human being. Life is imperfect, as each of us are, but that 'need' felt real and very overwhelming.
This speaks directly to the common black/white thinking that many people struggle with who also suffer with an eating disorder. Living in the 'gray' area, with any level of uncertainty can literally cause feelings of desperation and doom.
I am speaking from my own experience.
While meticulous meal planning is a vital step in recovery, it will die a natural death as a person continues to practice consistency and balance in their eating, and follow their treatment recommendations. The time it takes is different for everyone, but getting to the point where one can trust their body (and their mind) to be accepting of food and their natural, healthy weight is critical.
The numbers will never 'balance', because in reality, life is not balanced, nor is it possible to balance that 'scale' (no pun intended).
This need speaks to a deeper insecurity and desire for safety and predictability. During my treatment and recovery, I managed some pretty dramatic 'gymnastics' in an effort to beat the natural system....to tightly control. But eventually it all came back to simple honesty, and my ability to trust myself and those around me.
I am not a good juggler when it involves manipulation, which in this case, it did.
The freedom I enjoy now, with numbers not playing a role in how I live my daily life, is truly a miracle to me.
As always, I encourage all to stick to their treatment plan, meal plan as long as necessary, and you will know when you have developed the needed trust to test your 'wings'....always with professional guidance.
NEVER GIVE UP!!

Without apology...♥

Processing...

2010-07-05T15:38:00.001-07:00

A very important tool throughout the main part of my recovery, was daily journaling. I was encouraged from the very beginning to write...to write 'stream of thought', and to share my writing. I found over time that this served to 'empty' my mind somewhat of the thoughts that were constantly swirling about. My daily writing also began to help increase my awareness of myself, which was key for my recovery.
I continue to write a lot, but not in the same fashion. I no longer 'journal' as a means for personal growth, however I have learned that verbal expression works nearly as well for me....most of the time.
Today I need to write. I need to get some things 'out'. I need to process.
I am afraid. I have had a weekend of 'moments' and circumstances that have brought my own mortality and that of those whom I love, into very clear view. As a Christian, I don't doubt the afterlife, but I am afraid to die. Does this mean I don't really believe? I don't know. Is it fear of death, or fear of losing the life that I am finally able to live? Am I being too worldly? Do I treasure 'Earthly' things too much? I say no, but.....
Going to my hometown, where I lived the first 45 years of my life, always causes me to mourn my Father and my dear son Timothy, in a more 'real' way. It just does. I see my Mother growing older, slower, and unable to do many of the things she use to do. Time is passing, for her and for me. For all of us. In some ways this frightens me.
This weekend I learned of a tragic boating accident which took the life of a woman I knew in High School, and one of her grandsons (one of a set of triplets). These kinds of tragedies leave me angry, unsettled and fearful. The fear is similar to the feeling that surrounded me for months after Tim was killed. Life is unfair. We don't know what the next day or even hour will bring. We take far too much for granted.
The love of my life, my dear husband, has been struggling with health issues for about six weeks now. Strange symptoms that are not responding to medication, and that continue to worsen. He is not bedridden, and is obviously functioning, but something is wrong, and I am becoming more and more concerned, and yes, fearful.
I no longer have the extreme need to control, or to 'fix' things that I use to. But these situations are ones that are tugging at me, and I am unsettled. I can go on with my routine, laugh, enjoy my life, but I am questioning if I should be more prepared, put my life in order, so to speak, or is this simply the result of being a bit over tired and emotional?
While riding home last night I felt a heaviness. I sobbed through the song, "I Can Only Imagine" (I always do, but it was more intense), with images of myself being taken from this life....and then what?
I know I will get back into my daily routine, laugh, be in the moment, and life will go on, but, I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to lose an opportunity to tell someone I love them.
Thank you for reading.
As always, without apology...♥

The Dark Side of Vegetarianism

2010-07-03T04:26:00.000-07:00

I believe this article presents a fair picture of both sides of this issue, especially when we are searching for truths regarding eating disorders.
For what it's worth:

By Steven Reinberg
HealthDay Reporter by Steven Reinberg

(HealthDay News) -- Despite its proven health benefits, a vegetarian diet might in fact be masking an underlying eating disorder, new research suggests.
The study, in the April issue of the Journal of the American Dietetic Association, found that twice as many teens and nearly double the number of young adults who had been vegetarians reported having used unhealthy means to control their weight, compared with those who had never been vegetarians. Those means included using diet pills, laxatives and diuretics and inducing vomiting to control weight.
There's a dark side to vegetarianism, said Dr. David L. Katz, director of the Prevention Research Center at Yale University School of Medicine. He had no role in the research.
"Adolescent vegetarians [in the study] were more prone to disordered eating and outright eating disorders," Katz said. "This is not due to vegetarianism but the other way around: Adolescents struggling to control their diets and weight might opt for vegetarianism among other, less-healthful efforts."
Vegetarianism, or a mostly plant-based diet, can be recommended to all adolescents, Katz said. "But when adolescents opt for vegetarianism on their own, it is important to find out why because it may signal a cry for help, rather than the pursuit of health," he said.
Katz said he thinks a balanced vegetarian diet is among the most healthful of dietary patterns, and the study suggests some of the benefits.
"Adolescents practicing vegetarianism were less likely to be overweight than their omnivorous counterparts and, were the measures available, would likely have had better blood pressure and cholesterol, too," he said. "Eating mostly plants -- and even only plants -- is good for us, and certainly far better for health than the typical American diet."
The study's lead researcher, Ramona Robinson-O'Brien, an assistant professor in the Nutrition Department at the College of Saint Benedict and Saint John's University in St. Joseph, Minn., agreed.
"The majority of adolescents and young adults today would benefit from improvements in dietary intake," she said. The study found, for instance, that the vegetarians among the participants generally were less likely to be overweight or obese.
"However, current vegetarians may be at increased risk for binge eating, while former vegetarians may be at increased risk for extreme unhealthful weight-control behaviors," she said. "Clinicians and nutrition professionals providing guidance to young vegetarians might consider the potential benefits associated with a healthful vegetarian diet, [but should] recognize the possibility of increased risk of disordered eating behaviors."
The researchers collected data on 2,516 teens and young adults who participated in a study called Project EAT-II: Eating Among Teens. They classified participants as current, former or never vegetarians and divided them into two age groups: teens (15 to 18) and young adults (19-23).
Each participant was questioned about binge eating, whether they felt a loss of control of their eating habits and whether they used any extreme weight-control behaviors.
About 21 percent of teens who had been vegetarians said they used unhealthy weight-control behaviors, compared with 10 percent of teens who had never been vegetarians. Among young adults, more former vegetarians (27 percent) had used such measures than current vegetarians (16 percent) or those who'd never been vegetarians (15 percent), the study found.
In addition, among teenagers, binge eating and loss of control over eating habits was reported by 21 percent of current and 16 percent of former vegetarians but only 4 percent of those who'd never followed a vegetarian diet. For young adults, more vegetarians (18 percent) said they engaged in binge eating with loss of control than did former vegetarians (9 percent) and those who were never vegetarians (5 percent), the study found.
Young adult vegetarians were less likely to be overweight or obese than were those who'd never been vegetarians. Among teens, the study found no statistically significant differences in weight.
"When guiding adolescent and young adult vegetarians in proper nutrition and meal planning, it is important to recognize the potential health benefits and risks associated with a vegetarian diet," Robinson-O'Brien said. "Furthermore, it may be beneficial to investigate an individual's motives for choosing a vegetarian diet and ask about their current and former vegetarian status when assessing risk for disordered eating behaviors."

Without apology....♥

What Does 'Obsessive' Really Mean?

2010-06-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

Have you ever referred to yourself or some particular behavior as 'obsessive'?
It seems that this term is being used more loosely than ever before, to describe certain characteristics, or attitudes which interestingly enough, are closely related to perfectionism.
If you consider this in terms of personality type, what does it really mean?
Does the word 'obsessive' resonate in a positive or a negative way for you? Or neither?
Some common behaviors for those who may be labeled 'obsessive' include:
-Being so worried and anxious about making the 'right choice' that you have difficulty making even the simplest decisions....usually the ones involving pleasure or relaxation.
FAMILIAR?
-When your mind is so hyperactive that you become a 'thinkaholic', unable to turn off the worry and rumination.
-Inability to commit to any long-term relationship for fear that it's not the 'perfect' person.
-The workaholic who works long hours and has cut out most other areas of their life to the point that they know no other way to live.
-Procrastination or laziness? Are you unable to take on tasks or responsibilities because you know that it is impossible to complete them flawlessly?
-Equating productivity with worth...an intense need to fill every minute with activity.
-An intense need to be above scrutiny: moral, professional or personal.
When does such obsessiveness become a problem?
When the obsessions become so dominant and inflexible that every minute of every day is controlled by them.
The core of obsessiveness is an exaggerated need for control. This stems from the irrational belief or conviction that if one has 'perfect' control, it will ensure safety. This applies also to the obsessive-compulsive person who repeats certain patterns in an effort to feel safe or in control.
Many of the above mentioned characteristics or behaviors are common among people who suffer with an eating disorder. I know them all very well, and can relate to the manner in which they can control one's life and become a prison.
I have learned that this is one prison that is self-induced, however unintentionally.
The beauty of this is that it also means that we each hold the key to our freedom.

Without apology....♥

Experiencing......♥

2010-06-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

I am reminded continuously of how little I truly 'experienced' in my life up until the past few years. With all my focus and energy devoted to the eating disorder that nearly killed me, little was left for 'experiences'.
My life was so narrow, my vision so dull. Today, I am like a sponge, constantly soaking up information and looking for opportunities to LIVE, which is much different from just being alive.
Dave and I attended a great concert last night at the Fox Theater in Detroit. Driving up, in a mess of traffic, I was calm, excited (is that possible?), and looking forward to the experience of hearing The Moody Blues. Just a few years ago, I would have been unable to do that. Being out late made me anxious...a change in my schedule. Fear of crowds of people...so many fearful thoughts that would have caused me to shrink back from going. I would have dreaded the night for weeks before.
The theater is old and beautiful. I was enamored by the elaborate decor, and felt a thrill from just being there. Very different from my past.
I waited in anticipation for the concert to begin, and I wasn't looking at those around me, focusing on the size of their bodies', comparing myself in every way to how others were living the evening. I didn't feel afraid. You know, that fear that we might get caught in traffic, and heaven forbid, get home late and, and, and, my routine be DIFFERENT!!!
I was IN THE MOMENT, entirely. I screamed my primal concert scream (yes, I do that!), jumped up and down, danced at my seat, and didn't even consider what anyone else was thinking. I was there for my own enjoyment, with my 'man'.
I didn't run out of energy. Imagine that! We had to run back to the car, in the pouring rain, about 3/4 mile away. By the time we got to the car, we were both soaked, and I was laughing so hard I was nearly crying!! In years past, I would have been falling over, angry and I probably would have ruined the entire night for both of us with my negative attitude. The concert? I would have sat through it with my thoughts someplace else completely, wishing over and over that I could be home and done with the night.
This morning was a bit lazy...I slept in later than usual, and it was OK! We had a great time last night, making more memories to share and laugh about in the coming years we have together. And me? I smile and feel extreme happiness knowing that each day holds more true experiences for me.
Without apology.....♥

The Pain of Perfection

2010-06-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

For many people, the desire and commitment to do their 'best', can easily morph into an obsessional attempt to be 'perfect'.
'Perfectionism' is often one of the major maintaining and controlling factors for a person who is suffering from an eating disorder.
'Perfection' is an impossibility, but it is a often believed to be THE goal to aspire to reach. This belief will only result in failure and probable exhaustion from attempting to reach this impossible state of being.
The pursuit of perfection may result in a number of situations. A person may realize that they are aiming for the impossible, and simply relax and enjoy a more attainable goal.
What may also happen, which may not seem obvious at first, is that the person who has been the 'high achiever' will begin to feel depressed and hopeless, and be unable to accomplish much of anything in their daily life. They may consider themselves lazy and depressed, and have considerable problems doing even the most simple things. They may reach a point of apathy.
Could this be a result or an extension of the 'perfectionism'? I think it may.
Because it is not possible to be perfect, for any of us, the pursuit is not only exhausting, but obviously, unrewarding. A lot of physical and emotional energy is likely to be spent on
this unattainable goal.
A feeling of failure is another likely result, which will add to the feelings of depression and hopelessness. This can also leave a person feeling empty and useless, with a sort of loss of identity. Who are they if they are not that 'perfect' person they have been striving to be?
I don't believe that anyone strives for perfection because they believe they ARE perfect, or that they are better than anyone else. More than likely, it's just the opposite.
The expectations of society and the world around us may 'sound' like rules for how we 'should' be. Such a vicious cycle....
My conclusion is that the impossible pursuit to be perfect may lead to depression, apathy and much less motivation in the end.
Let's all strive to do our personal best and be proud of it!
Without apology....♥

Dedicated to my 'boys'

2010-06-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

My two sons are the greatest gifts of my life. The honor of being their Mother is one I never felt deserving of, yet I know in my heart and soul was meant to be. As any Mother knows, your child(ren) are gifts like no other, so no offense please to those who also mean the world to me, quite literally.
I would like to celebrate Matthew and Timothy today, with a few simple reflections, yet ones that I will forever hold in my heart.
Matthew, you were like velvet over steel, from the very first day I 'met' you, at only 8 days old. Strong in every physical way, plus with the gift of a very sensitive and giving heart, despite the struggles you have faced...we all faced. I love you with all my heart and soul, and I am proud of you for who you are, and for enduring what no person should ever have to witness. I am sorry that I was not able to give as much of myself to you during your growing up years, but I hope you know that I truly did my best. I am thankful each day that we are now able to have an adult relationship, where we can laugh and understand each other on a much higher level. I believe in you, and whether you understand or believe it, I trust that there are better things ahead for you, and I want to be a part of all of it! I love you Matt...♥
Timothy, I write this trusting that you know and see all that my life is today. I also believe that you 'walk' beside Matthew and I with your own magical way of inspiring us.
I miss you every single day. I imagine how your life might have been on this day, had you not been taken from this Earth nine years ago [on Monday]. That is not for me to know or see, nor will I ever have an answer as to why your life was taken, and then, in some miraculous way, I was given mine back. I would never have asked for that or planned it that way. But I am not the one in control. You know I cry for my own selfish pain, but that is also a testament to how much I love you. For as long as I live I will cry for you, and I also cry for the pain that Matthew continues to feel. But I am inspired and strengthened each day by the memories I have of your strength to endure what your short life gave you. You must also know that you touched the lives of many people during those 17 years.
Nothing will ever change the fact that you both made me a Mother. That is a 'role' that I am proud of, and thankful for.
My heart is full, my tears are ever-present, and I only hope that I can live my life in a way that makes you both proud. I love you, my sons.
Without apology....♥

"People Watching", or Searching for ME?

2010-05-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

After a busy day last week of various activities and intense focus, I walked through the local Mall with my husband, thinking about the variety of 'sights' you see in a public place.
'People watching' use to be a main pastime of mine, one I have come to realize was closely related to my search for 'self', and my need to determine who I was going to be. OK, I know that none of us can determine who we are going to be, but I never realized that until I stopped trying to do just that.
I grew up, given a very clear description of who I was 'supposed' to be, and from a very early age, knowing I did NOT want that, I began the search for who I wanted to be. I became very self-critical, always second-guessing my own words and decisions, because I feared criticism from others. Internal criticism became my only way to prevent myself from doing things 'wrong', or so I thought. I was actually tearing myself down, bit by bit, while simply trying to survive.
As my efforts to 'control' myself began to morph into a full blown eating disorder, my fascination with watching other people became more intense and obsessive in nature. I was hyper-vigilant in my focus on other people.
Everywhere I went, I needed to SEE everyone in my scope of vision, and often beyond. My focus was on weight, mood, dress and general appearance. I compared myself in each of these aspects, always seeking who I wanted to be, what I wanted to look like, and most of all, what weight I 'should' weigh. Yes, I watched people, but not for recreation. I watched them to compare, to take mental notes which might somehow lead to ME.
As you can imagine, I never found anyone who I could make myself into. I certainly tried. I continued to seek that 'perfect' description, the one that would finally fit. It almost killed me. I could not become someone else, and I had no idea how to be ME.
So, last week, as Dave and I commented about a couple of 'interesting' people we happened upon, I reflected on how little I take time to watch other people now. More than that, I realized I have no need to examine others to discover myself. I no longer compare the size of my legs or my body in general, to every woman I see. What I order for dinner is not determined after some complex calculation of what every other woman in the restaurant is eating.
I do truly love people, getting to know them and sharing experiences along life's way.
But, my need and desire to be around others is based on my daily pursuit of life, not a fervent pursuit of my identity.
Without apology....♥

What 'Causes' Eating Disorders?

2010-05-29T05:19:00.000-07:00

While I most like to compose my own posts, the following is too good not to share:

There are two distinct issues being conflated in this statement; A) What is the etiology, or natural history, of ED? and B) What is the internal experience of someone who has ED? The former deals with the brain, our most important organ. While our understanding of the brain is in its infancy, the BRAIN is without a doubt a physical, tangible object and we can describe brain structure and function with the languages of science and medicine. The latter has to do with the MIND, and that is a much more elusive thing. It's not tangible. It's mostly subjective. The nature of the mind is best described in the languages of philosophy and theology. And yet, our MIND is a function of the BRAIN. So we've developed the discipline of Psychology to bridge the gap between the tangible and intangible, the objective and subjective, science and philosophy and theology.

Eating disorders are the behavioral expressions of bio-chemical and neurological disorders of the brain. People who exhibit EDs were born with genetic traits that made them susceptible to developing the disorders if and when certain kinds of experiences occur in their environment. The genetics seem to express themselves as high levels of anxiety/social anxiety, OCD, perfectionism, conflict avoidance, and other related traits long before ED occurs. Common environmental triggers include conscious diets, strep infections, trauma or high stress, and incidental periods of insufficient caloric intake (like the kid undergoing a growth spurt, or the athlete whose training intensifies). It looks like, by and large, you need at least one ingredient from each the "nature" and the "nurture" columns to develop ED, and most people have more than one from each. Additionally, the developmental changes the brain undergoes during adolescence seems to play a key role, as the vast majority of EDs exhibit themselves at this stage. Since our social milieu also changes radically during this time, it is likely that the environmental triggers are stronger and/or more common at this stage.

Given the above, someone who has ED may well experience it as "a control issue". In fact, many ED sufferers report that they have (short lived) positive "control" thoughts when they don't eat, and negative "control" thoughts when they do. They also have a tendency to misinterpret other's actions as negative. And to think their own bodies as larger and shaped differently from how they actually are. But these thoughts are actually a symptom of the disease. This is similar to how people with the classic symptoms of schizophrenia (hearing voices, believing outside forces are controlling their actions, & etc) are having the symptoms because of the neurological imbalances of that disease. In both cases, the person is having real experiences inside their mind that have little to do with the outside environment.

And different still from the physical causes of a disease, or the mental symptoms the disease may cause in our thinking or our understanding while we are sick, is the MEANING we attach to things we experience. Our experience of "what does this all mean?" is ultimately completely subjective, and completely dependent on our belief systems. If we believe diseases are caused by voodoo curses, or cold unloving mothers, or imperfect faith, or a kind of test from a higher power, or none of the above, or all of the above, our understanding of the disease experience will be framed in terms of that belief.

So if someone states "I got ED because I needed more independence from my father", he's not "wrong", he's just talking about how ED fits into a larger meaning in his life. It also shows that that person is not being exposed to good clinicians who could tell him "Well, yes, you may have needed more independence. However, if you hadn't had the genetic makeup you do, the stress of the situation would not have triggered the development of ED."

You can read the full post here: http://ed-bites.blogspot.com/2009/07/what-causes-eating-disorder.html

Moving Beyond the Chaos

2010-05-22T06:20:00.000-07:00

The process of recovery is full of challenges, fears, emotions and just plain exhaustion. There is no order to the steps you must take, how long it will take, or what YOUR recovery will look like. This uncertainty can be immobilizing in itself, and often prevents those who truly need help from taking the necessary steps to move forward.
There is a pseudo 'safety' to the cocoon of an eating disorder, no matter how miserable a person may also be. The routine holds certainty, while making changes holds NO promises or clarity...UNTIL you actually begin the process, and keep going.....
The chaos that change may bring often feels much worse than the pain of the eating disorder, and this can cause additional depression, hopelessness, and thoughts of turning back. Trusting without proof of the outcome requires a 'leap of faith', and constant reminders of why you don't want to go back, or remain in the possible deadly cocoon of the eating disorder.
Commonly, guilt will cloud the picture as well. It may be a guilt for 'wasting' all those years, for hurting others along the way, or even guilt for working recovery. Many times you/we don't feel at all worthy to be well, and least of all happy about it!!
I know it's hard to keep the momentum. The pain, memories and horrible body discomfort bring on doubts about whether the effort is worth it. There will likely be many moments of wanting to give up.
Recovery requires patience, and if you don't already have it, you will acquire it along the way.
For myself, the development of my 'distress tolerance' skills was vital. Learning to wait, sit with the discomfort, the anxiety, and the fear was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But it is also the experience that taught me the most about myself, and how to deal with life without relying on the eating disorder to cope.
Change requires letting go, but it also requires some 'chasing away', in terms of truly having to fight against the old thoughts, eating disordered messages, and to 'break the rules' that have literally controlled your every movement and decision. You can't just NOT do something anymore, I believe you must do something different, in it's place, or you are left with that void that will be filled...but with what? Those are the decisions that are key to moving forward, and they are not always changes that can be implemented without the guidance of a professional.
The body and mind take time to heal. And they will heal, if the disordered eating and other behaviors do not continue to happen.
How can you forgive yourself for the time lost? How can you walk through the guilt of 'letting your body go', which is what the old eating disordered thinking will try to lead you to believe? In the midst of the eating disorder, you may have worked very hard to achieve a goal..of weight loss, perfection, acceptance, or a number of other possibilities. What does it mean for you to let go of that, to move against that, to think in the opposite direction? Likely it will result in great distress and confusion, depression, and often, loneliness.
There is often true grief in letting go, in moving forward, even though part of you knows it's for the best. It's what you have known.
For myself, I finally got tired of grieving that loss, and I decided that if I truly wanted to find meaning in my life, I had to look ahead as much as possible, and accept that I could not change what I 'lost' due to my eating disorder, and that I want to live my life to as full of an extent every day now. Unless I cut the strings to those regrets, I cannot do that. Truly 'living in the moment' allows me to do that now.
I remember being told at one point during my recovery that if I wasn't uncomfortable, I probably wasn't making progress. At the time, I didn't understand or believe that, but I see it now, and I know also that it doesn't apply to life in general, but for the process of change for someone who clings to the 'safety' of a routine.
Set new goals, believe in the possibility in new experiences and new ways of doing things, and most of all, NEVER GIVE UP!!
Without apology...♥

"If You REALLY Knew Me......"

2010-05-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

The first time I was asked to complete the sentence above, I was standing among a group of High School students, in a circle, holding a microphone, scared out of my mind. My first choice for a response was "you'd know that my favorite color is green."
Now I know that the purpose of this activity was to open myself up and 'lower the water line', so to speak, so that others could know some things about me that I don't usually share.
How would I complete this sentence today?
If you really knew me, you would know that......
--I approach life with my eyes wide open. I ran from life for the first 46 years of my life, so now I strive to see, hear and experience everything around me in a very real way.
--Now that I 'feel', I feel deeply and completely.
--Fear is a challenge to me now, not a deterrent.
--My greatest joy is being. Being with Dave is the ultimate. ♥
--I love meeting people, and getting to know them on a 'real' level.
--I am a 'helper', but no longer a caretaker. It's much more rewarding.
--I am not ashamed nor embarrassed for being imperfect.
--Pet peeve--people hurting other people, in any manner.
--I love to hear myself laugh!
--I'm going to write a book....someday...
--I wish that my family (of origin) would give back as much as they expect.
--I am passionate about my involvement with eating disorder awareness.
--I have a large group of friends, and they are the greatest people on the face of the Earth!
--I am no longer searching for who 'I am supposed to be'.
--I have learned how to give, without taking from myself.
These are only a few things about who I am, as I have come to discover in just the past few years. Before that time, I would have not known, nor been comfortable sharing anything about my true self with anyone.
Life is too short to waste even one more day trying to 'make myself' what I think I am supposed to be. Looking within and honoring ME, for who I am, body and soul, is my greatest and most rewarding accomplishment.
How would YOU complete the sentence above, holding nothing back?
Without apology....♥

Breaking the 'Rules'

2010-05-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

Nearly every aspect of life requires a set of rules or policies to which we must adhere in order to remain safe and organized. Most sets of rules are standardized, and not specific to persons or groups of people, unless of course, you include religion or cultural codes.
For anyone who struggles with an eating disorder, they most likely have developed their own personal set of rules by which they must abide, but that pertain to no other person, in any circumstance.
I know this is common, maybe a given for anyone with an eating disorder, but these rules are almost never spoken, only stored within the recesses of the eating disordered patterns in one's mind, however constantly governing every move that person makes.
For me the rules were easy, following them was the hard part. From a very young age I was led to believe that life was supposed to be hard, to the point that if I felt joy, I suspected I was in the wrong. Therefore, when I developed an eating disorder, it seemed natural to begin to formulate 'rules' that would keep me safe and that would allow me the special control which I hoped would finally help me gain acceptance and worth.
My rules had to be painful, limit my freedom, and keep me 'protected' (in my mind) from the harmful world and people around me.
The rules specific to ME centered around escaping any additional situations or emotions that I believed I could not deal with. I can remember that as things would happen or situations would arise that I could not control, I would flee back to my rules, which I thought was the only way I could be safe.
I believed that my rules prevented a tragedy, yet life has taught me otherwise many times over.
Not only did my rules involve certain behaviors involving food and eating, they involved some very obsessive/compulsive actions such as the way I stacked my dishes, the way I arranged my clothing, counting my steps throughout the day (yes, for the entire day!), and compulsive list-making. I would make a list that reminded me to make a list for...whatever. I was desperate to cross off each item as I completed my tasks, because otherwise, I believed that someone in my family would be harmed.
The connections that my particular rules had to other things made no rational sense, but to me, they were what I clung to every day for simple survival.
What was it about arranging the food in my refrigerator in a certain way that kept me safe? It didn't, but I certainly believed that without that 'order', my world would fall apart. There were times when I remember thinking that if I didn't follow the 'right' rules, I would die, right on the spot.
My brain was starving, and my body was in overdrive. I know now that this combination provided the prime situation for my 'need' for rules...i.e. safety.
I am asked the question often, "What is so different about your life now that you are recovered?" Nearly everything is different, but a very stark difference, that I am reminded of over and over, is that I am no longer afraid of life. I feel no fear when I wake up in the morning.
I am not afraid of failure, because I have already overcome the thing that most defeated me...the eating disorder. I no longer engage in rituals in an attempt to prevent disaster, nor do I need to
align the food in my refrigerator in a certain way out of fear of losing control.
Some people may shake their heads and roll their eyes, because this only makes sense in an eating disordered world. Others will relate exactly to what I describe, and perhaps wonder if this is truly possible.
It is.
Safety for me today means using my brain, which by the way, is NOT starved anymore, to make wise choices. It means being emotionally honest with those in my life who can understand that. And it involves continuing to set healthy boundaries for myself in situations that involve other people.
I am no longer ruled by my rules. I have broken them, and I am fully alive!

Without apology....♥

My 'Walk' Continues.....

2010-05-01T06:16:00.000-07:00

I decided it's time to update some things here, since I have been too busy to write many posts in the last month or more.
I've been thinking about 'topics' to write about, and it's very hard to narrow them down and decide what is most pertinent. So today, I plan to bring you all (and myself) up to date with what is going on in my life...a journal entry of sorts.
Beginning about this time last year, this Blog brought me the opportunity to begin writing a bit on another website, EatingDisordersOnline. I simply wrote a few posts from time to time, until the company who owns the site launched a new site, which was supportgroups.com. If you have never checked out either site, you really should!!
I began moderating the support site for eating disorders in June of 2009, which exploded into numerous experiences and opportunities for me. I can go no further here without sharing that the women (and a few men) who I have 'met' and become close to through this site, have brought indescribable joys and inspiration to my life. Because I am a deeply compassionate person (to a fault at times), this has also been a learning experience for me in separating my concerns for others from my own daily existence...at least in terms of allowing this to pull me into that cycle of trying to save everyone. I have learned to care deeply and share honestly, while not sacrificing my own needs or energies. This in itself has proven to be an experience of growth and healing for me.
Coincidentally, as I began to take on these challenges, another more personal challenge presented itself. My Mother-in-Law moved in with us shortly after my Father-in-Law passed away last May. My world became centered here at home, for the most part, as I did my on line work, and cared for 'Joy'. The 9 months following, while she lived with us were 'interesting', to say the least, with the challenge being much more emotional than physical. It was hard to witness her demise into her dementia, knowing there was nothing I could do to make it different. But it worked. We made it work, but not without it being a joint effort. Dave made sure that I got out by myself as often as possible. We had to move Joy out to an assisted living facility on March 1, this year. It was a tough decision, but one that has been best for all of us.
Late summer/early Fall brought even more opportunities, which was a huge surpise!
I was awarded a full-ride scholarship to attend the NEDA Conference in Minneapolis, which led to meeting and getting to know and love the Spencer family! The Conference allowed me to network and meet many other people in the field of eating disorders and those who are working to recover.
I was asked to help with website expansion for the River Centre Clinic (river-centre.org) at about this time, in terms of drawing in testimonials from other people who have found help through treatment there. This also led to increased efforts on my part, to 'market' and make others aware of the supreme treatment available there. My life is a testament to that.
As the Fall weeks flew by, I began to consider taking on the coordination of the first annual NEDA Walk for our area, which was just completed one week ago!! I learned a lot during those months of planning, and I am looking forward to making next year's Walk even bigger, with the help of my group of great volunteers, and with more press and advertising!!
In March I attended the IAEDP Conference in Orlando as a volunteer, which added to my 'contacts' in the field, and increased my desire to be involved in an even more 'hands-on' way.
What I have noticed since the beginning of 2010 is a much more balanced and settled peace within myself. I feel secure in my recovery, like I never thought possible. Fear is not a part of my life anymore, in terms of facing each day.
What has and continues to amaze me is the number of people who correspond with me, and who are seeking help. The fear of asking for help is monumental, I think, because of the stigma associated with eating disorders, and...the already low estimate of themselves that those who suffering have. I have come to know women all over the world, some more intimately than others, but nonetheless, they all bless my life.
The hard things have included separating myself from some in my life who are toxic, for whatever reason. I cannot nor will I tolerate manipulative or dishonest people who refuse to help themselves. It's one thing being 'unable', but another being 'unwilling'. Setting boundaries with others has never been easy or enjoyable, but I am realizing the value of it for all parties involved.
I began facilitating a recovery support group in my area in January. This is something that has been lacking in this area for a long time. Through this, I have met even more brave women who continue to fight for their freedom from an eating disorder.
Three weeks before the NEDA Walk took place, I took a position at the River Centre Clinic, doing intake and marketing. Being able to be instrumental in a very hands-on way is something that fills me with joy.
So...I am busy, with many things, most of which involve eating disorder support. I am blessed to have the most amazing, loving husband on the planet. I cannot believe how much love I hold in my heart!
I look forward to more experiences and more travel in the coming months...Houston (yeah!), a delivery to KY (hehe)....and back to the NEDA Conference in October. In the meantime, I continue to value my life, love with abandon, and I do it all,
without apology....♥

NEDA Walk and Beyond

2010-04-28T05:10:00.001-07:00

As we all move on from the actual NEDA Walk, I continue to 'see' certain images in my mind of people and situations that stick in my mind from that day.
This was an experience like no other for me. Not only the planning, and getting to know many amazing people in a more REAL way, but the community spirit on Sunday is indescribable!
I have much more to share, but I am slowly catching up, as I have new commitments (great ones) that are taking more time.
Walking to walk....loving my life!!
Without apology....♥

How Do You DO Relationships When You Haven't EVER Done Relationships?

2010-04-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

How do you define a 'relationship'? I would guess that there are about as many types or levels of relationships as there are people on the Earth. Almost.
Your relationship with each person in your life is uniquely different.
I'm not sure I ever thought about how my relationships with people in my life were different, because I tried very hard not to have relationships. I didn't and still don't consider my first marriage a 'relationship'. But that's another story altogether.
I have been thinking about the intense fear that I felt as I progressed in my recovery from an eating disorder, and got to the point where I was informed that I needed to work on my 'social' life...i.e. relationships.
The fear I felt was about being rejected, and the fact that I didn't know 'who to be' with people. You see, I began to realize that my entire life had been an attempt the 'be' whatever and whoever people wanted me to be at that moment. The way I chose to act or 'be' depended on the situation and who I was with.
I had come far enough in recovery to realize that it was time for me to present myself for who I am, and I truly did not know what that meant.
I did not know who I was yet, and I certainly did not feel comfortable yet with what I was discovering about myself, or how I was changing, both physically and emotionally. So how was I supposed to walk up to someone and present 'me'?
"Just introduce yourself and tell them you are nervous and afraid of being rejected." Right.
The good think about this scenario was that I was not alone in my fears. I was around other people in treatment who were also working on similar fears and issues, so there was a certain amount of safety in my 'assignment'.
Thank YOU, River Centre Clinic!!
Another 'small' issue I had was that I was older than almost every other person in treatment, so I feared a lack of 'connection' or 'understanding'. I used that excuse for quite a while, and I had myself pretty well convinced....until....
the loneliness threatened to take over. I began to realize that I WANTED to know people, and be able to communicate and laugh and well, have relationships!!!
I found out that I didn't have to have a script, or have it all together to approach someone and talk to them. I also found out that my worst fears were not realized! I was not rejected, however it took a while for me to stop 'reading' everyone, and assuming that anything negative was my fault.
Then came the dilemma of how much do I share, and how to stop censoring or 'weighing' every word out of my mouth, for fear of saying something 'wrong'.
It took much less time than I imagined for me to be comfortable around people, and to stop all the 'head talk' about what others think about me.
This aspect of recovery was very similar to most others. I had to face the fears and take action. And each time, the fear was reduced and my own confidence was stronger.
What I have discovered is that this 'relationship thing' has been one of the most rewarding parts of recovery for me. I love people. I am no longer afraid of who I am, or what others think of me, which has given me a freedom that I had never known. I strongly believe that none of us is meant to go through our lives alone. I also believe that we have every right to approach other people and life in general,
without apology....♥

Pieces of April

2010-04-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

April is a beautiful month which can signify hope and new growth. April 2010 is blossoming into an even more exciting and beautiful month for me.
I am juggling many responsibilities, and LOVING every minute of it!! I did however, realize last night that I needed to put a couple of things 'on hold' for a while so that I could focus on my 'pieces of April'.
THE primary outside focus I have right now is the countdown to the NEDA Walk. Taking this on was an act of sheer faith (and insanity perhaps :), but the experience has been and continues to be one of the most rewarding thus far in my career of recovery! That's an entirely separate post in itself. 18/19 days and counting folks!!
I am preparing to embark on an opportunity that has been a dream of mine for several years. For this I am not only incredibly grateful, but I am in a state of amazement as well. More on this as it unfolds....:)
In the midst of the preparations for the Walk and continuing to support and mentor my lovely friends on supportgoups.com, I do feel a heaviness unfolding. It's inevitable.
A week from this coming Saturday would be my youngest son's 26th birthday, were he alive today. My last memory of him is of May 28, 2001, Memorial Day. He visited me while I was in treatment in Arizona, which turned out to be 10 days before he was accidentally shot to death by his best friend. I can't begin to describe the memories and scenes that to this day flash through my head, but I can say that Tim's death has been the greatest loss in my life, far greater than the 37 years that were taken from me by anorexia. The tears I shed at this moment are ones of sadness, but I am now also able to CELEBRATE Tim's life in a way that he rightly deserves. I cry for the hole left in my heart by his absence, but I also grieve the experiences he never had.
I know that he sees me alive and healthy, and that knowledge inspires me daily. His last words to me were, "Mom, I just want you to get healthy".
That's my 'memory bouquet'.
I am crazy excited to ride my bike this year! This is the first year (because my back was nearly broken last year) that I am safe and healthy to take a ride bike in the evenings with my sweetie...um...that would be Dave :)
So....I will most likely have to deal with another birthday this year. For some reason, it always wants to show up near the end of April. I use to try to wish them away, which of course never worked, so now I celebrate ME....why not?
New (and established) friends will be sharing the Walk experience with me, coming from all corners of the country!! I am so very lucky!
Those are my ramblings on this quiet April afternoon.
I'd like to share the lyrics to this song. Some of you are too young to remember it, but I loved it in 1972 when Three Dog Night released it and I still do today...

April gave us springtime and the promise of the flowers
And the feeling that we both shared and the love that we called ours
We knew no time for sadness, that's a road we each had crossed
We were living a time meant for us, and even when it would rain
we would laugh it off.

I've got pieces of April, I keep them in a memory bouquet
I've got pieces of April, it's a morning in May
We stood on the crest of summer, beneath an oak that blossomed green
Feeling as I did in April, not really knowing what it means
But it must be then that you stand beside me now to make me feel this way

Just as I did in April, but it's a morning in May.
I've got pieces of April, I keep them in a memory bouquet
I've got pieces of April, but it's a morning in May
I've got pieces of April, I keep them in a memory bouquet
I've got pieces of April, but it's a morning in May

Without apology......for Tim♥

Protecting Your Recovery

2010-04-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

What 'causes' a relapse? What may be a factor for YOU that sends you back to the pseudo comfort of the ED?What can you do to prevent this? Lots of questions....While thinking about this, I first thought that for each of us, these factors may be different and unique to our lives. Identifying these is important as a first step.Then, taking proactive steps to protect yourself as much as possible from those factors, while still trying to live life...not always easy, but NOT impossible!!
Just a few thoughts...*Trying to be 'normal' too soon...in terms of eating (remember, if you are in recovery from an ED, YOUR eating will not look like another's). You cannot compare!!
In terms of exercise...very similar. What is healthy for YOU is very different from what may be OK for someone else.*Any major changes in routine/lifestyle. Job change or shift change. Anything that may alter your routine can be a dangerous thing for one who is in recovery. Planning ahead to prevent impulsive decisions about eating/not eating is critical!!
*Stand up for yourself...practice saying 'no' if that is what you need to do!
*Isolation..this is a very dangerous one. We are our own worst enemy if we are in an emotional state that separates us from those who can truly support us.
*Along with the above...continue to build a social/support network. Take risks to present YOU without apology :), and openly. If you think about it, aren't those the type of people that YOU feel most comfortable around? Test it out....rejection is very uncommon.
*Being TOO busy...this is a tough one. We all want to be productive, be engaged, LIVE life. But when life gets in the way of living, it's not a good thing for those in recovery. Recovery must always take priority. Every decision must be made based on it's affect on your health/recovery.
*Keeping recovery and YOUR specific needs as not an option. You WILL eat your prescribed amount. You WILL exercise/not exercise according to the recommendations of your therapist or treatment team. There will be NO 'wiggle' room. It WILL happen, no matter what!!
These are a few things that come to mind as I think about what helped me get to the point of full recovery.
Without apology.....♥

Breaking the Cycle

2010-03-29T05:37:00.000-07:00

We have all heard at some point 'along the way' that an eating disorder is not about food. Huh?
OK...so it's really about emotional regulation, not knowing how to cope with intense feelings, and also pressures from both internal and external forces to be 'perfect', in control, etc.
It's a short jog from the point of emotional distress, to extreme dieting to be thin (isn't thin 'perfect'?), bingeing and purging in an effort to control weight, or any other numerous behaviors that ARE about eating, weight and FOOD.
Once your body and mind reach the point of starvation, both your behaviors and your thoughts become obsessively focused on food. The cycle begins...and it may present with slightly different characteristics, but for the most part it's centered around avoiding feelings by restricting or some other disordered behavior related to food, then penance and shame for that behavior, then the intense feelings again, and the cycle goes round and round. And my description is sadly simplistic.
Even though an eating disorder 'is not about food', it IS about food, because you cannot begin to truly focus on learning different coping tools until that eating disordered cycle (chaotic eating) is interrupted, or broken. So for a time, it has to be about normalizing food intake, weight, and stopping any dangerous behaviors that may be involved.
This 'cycle' feels and presents very much as an addictive, obsessive behavior, largely due to the affects of starvation on the body and brain. Breaking this cycle in order to move on to the process work required for full recovery must involve a knowledgable professional. I see no other way of stepping into that next phase...the cognitive processing.
Recovery is not quick, simple or easy. But it is completely possible. There are immense fears involved that may likely cause one to pull back and think that it's not worth the pain.
Freedom from an eating disorder is worth every bit of pain and hard work that is required. This is a life and death choice.
Breaking the cycle is the first step. Will you move on to experience life as it truly can be?
Don't ever give up!

Without apology....♥

Eating Disorders and Suicide

2010-03-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

This is not a pleasant subject, but one that deserves attention. I attended a presentation at the IAEDP Conference a couple of weeks ago about suicide. There were some interesting facts that I wanted to share.
In the United States alone, there are 790,000 suicide attempts made each year out of the general population, with 31,655 cases of completed suicides, as they are referred to. Approximately half of those who commit suicide met with a clinician in the weeks prior to taking their lives. What does this mean?
Often a person who is struggling with thoughts of suicide (suicidal ideation) will not reveal this to anyone, nor will they ask for help. Also, many times, the people who attempt suicide, have no intention of dying, but are truly expressing their distress about certain things in their lives, or their lives in general. Then there are those who talk about wanting to die, threaten, and may even make an attempt, but their intention is likely to gain attention, and they may not have knowledge or skills to get it in a positive way. Anyone who fits into any of these groups needs help, regardless of the level of real danger involved.
Surprisingly enough, suicide rates are higher for those with eating disorders or substance abuse issues than for those with Major Depressive Disorder. This is thought to be a result of closer monitoring for suicidal ideation among those with MDD than for patients who present with an ED or substance abuse issues. It was also noted that persons suffering from eating disorders are likely to use a much more violent method to take their life. This is thought to be related to the common element of low self-esteem, even self-hatred, experienced by many people with eating disorders.
A study conducted by Sullivan (1995) on mortality among eating disorder patients showed that out of 3006 patients, there were 178 deaths. 54% of those deaths were due to eating disorder complications, 27% were due to suicide, and 19% were from unknown/other causes.
One source, Pompili et al, refutes the belief that starvation is the primary cause of death among those suffering from anorexia, stating that in fact, suicide is the major cause of death.
There is no way that a treatment professional can predict that a person will choose to take their life, but an important tool for prevention is to perform a thorough suicide assessment on every psychiatric patient.
Many times, a patient with an eating disorder will present with a comorbid diagnosis.
With Anorexia nervosa (Restricting type), examples of comorbid conditions may include:
Personality Disorder-22%
-Avoidant-19%
-Borderline-11%
-Dependent-11%
For Anorexia nervosa (Binge Eating/Purging Type):
-Borderline-25%
-Avoidant/Dependent-15%
-Histrionic-10%
And with Bulimia nervosa:
-Borderline-28%
-Dependent, Histrionic, Avoidant-20%
In summary, I will share my own experience of losing a very dear friend to suicide. In addition to suffering for many years from an eating disorder, she suffered greatly from deep depression that seemingly could not be controlled. Her suicide was a great shock to all those who knew her.
Please, no one, ever take a person's despair or threat to self-harm lightly. Listen, offer support, and always call necessary emergency personnel if you ever suspect anyone is in danger.
Eating disorders are treatable. Full recovery is absolutely possible. NEVER give up!!
Without apology....♥

Imprisoned by Freedom?

2010-03-20T18:48:00.000-07:00

Spring and Summer were such a carefree and fun time for the first ten years of my life. I can almost feel the excitement on that last day of school in May when I knew I was FREE for three months before school began again...not a worry in the world!!
What a contrast to the dread I developed within only a few years, of the warmer months when so much was 'expected' of me. You see, by the time I was 15 years old, anorexia had taken over my body, mind and life, so very little, if any of the things I did were truly chosen by the true 'me'.
The beautiful warm weather of Spring and Summer brought only more rules to my daily regimen. I could not enjoy the blue skies or the sunshine, for worrying that I had to be active and take advantage of every moment that I could be outside.
By age 18, I had been married for several months, and I was a slave to the eating disorder and to the exercise and activity expectations that I put on myself. Winter to me, was a bit of a reprieve. Life was bit slower, but when I had no 'excuse' to not be out biking or walking, etc., I constantly questioned if I was doing enough or being active enough.
I felt pressured when I would see someone jogging. If a friend or family member would comment on being involved in an activity, I felt guilty if I were not also 'working' or exercising. I planned my exercise and activity around what I saw others doing, because I had no clear idea of what I wanted or who I was at that time.
My life was a quest for an identity that I could not find.
I remember when my sons were growing up and very involved in summer sports. By that time, my body was so depleted and I was pushing myself to the point that I had no energy to enjoy life at all. Every day was a chore to live. I can recall the sheer dread and wishing time away in an effort to avoid having to struggle to find the energy to get through the day.
From March through October I was on my own personal merry-go-round, literally hating the clear, warm days that left me compelled to push myself to the very end of my energy. Even taking my sons to swim at my parents' house was torture. Faced with a pool, I had rules about swimming laps, so everywhere I turned, life held more demands for me.
I realize now that these were self-imposed, but at the time, I truly resented other people for causing me to have to measure up, for not allowing me to relax, for not allowing me to make the choice about how I spent those warmer months of the year. Because of this, I lived with bitterness and oftentimes, a kind of death wish. A wish for it to all just stop...or for something to take me out of 'life'.
I have been reminded of these things in recent days as the weather has warmed, and thoughts of the warm months ahead come to mind. I hear others who are still trapped by this compulsion to always be moving, doing, exercising, and I recall the horror of that prison. That prison leaves no room for personal choice.
I am grateful beyond words that I am now free. I do not have to compete with others or with my own internal 'rules'. I love that I live my life daily with openness and an excitement for any and every experience. I no longer feel compelled to DO. I now focus on who I choose to BE.
It's only March, but I am looking forward to sharing leisurely bike rides with my husband as the weather warms, but only as I choose, and our time allows. I will plant some flowers because I want to, not because it is expected of me. And when I see others running or walking, I know I will not feel compelled to match their activity because I know no other choice.
The freedom I enjoy today is based on MY choices and desires, and the experiences that life puts in my daily path.
I will be ruled no longer by the distortions and desperate attempts to be accepted that imprisoned me for so many years of my life.
Without apology.....

Medical Complications

2010-03-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

Any specific eating disorder can result in any number or combination of medical complications, or even death. The human body was not designed to be starved, or 'abused' by the types of behaviors that present with an eating disorder. Everyone is affected differently and to different degrees, and it is impossible to predict what type of damage or harm may ensue, but there is no doubt that the body suffers.I would like to point out just a very few medical complications that a person may experience if they have either anorexia or bulimia.Within the overall eating disorder population, there is a 5.6 times risk of death over the general population, one-third of those deaths resulting from cardiac complications.The increased risk for edema (fluid retention) is caused by the decreased fulid intake with anorexia, and/or the depletion of fluids in one who is bingeing/purging, or using other compensatory behaviors, such as laxatives, diuretics, etc. The kidneys and the adrenal glands work together to help rid the body of waste, and when there is significant fluid volume depletion, this combination becomes imbalanced at the least, and may shut down in some more serious instances. For lack of better description, this system 'forgets' temporarily how to function at it's optimum level.Therefore, any slight change in fluid or food intake, can confuse what is already out of balance, and will ilkely result in the kidneys attempting to 'hold onto' every molecule of water and salt that is available...hence, resulting in fluid retention as a survival tactic. It's important to remember that in most cases, this will normalize again, but for some who have restricted their fluids/food intake, or who have engaged in long-term fluid depletion by some means, permanent kidney damage may result. The importance of getting help cannot be emphasized enough. It's also important that the process of restoring 'normal' eating be closely monitored for those who may be experiencing these things, so that the body is not overwhelmed, and so that certain hormone/electrolyte levels can be monitored for safety reasons.Another possible complication which may result from long term laxative abuse is called cathartic colon syndrome, which in layman's terms, means that the digestive process can be retarded and slowed significantly, and a type of paralysis called gastroparesis can result which is sometimes irreversible. This is due to the destruction of nerve cells in the stomach and colon, and may result in bloating, increased gas and pain after eating. This is not unlike the swollen bellies that you may see in pictures of children who are literally starving in impoverished countries.This swelling is similar to how a person's weight may settle temporarily around their middle when they are in the process of restoring their weight. THIS is temporary if monitored carefully. This is related to cortisol levels, which likely will normalize over a period time if the person does not once again slip into the symptoms of the eating disorder.This is a very simplified picture of an amazingly complex problem.Most of all, I'd like to emphasize that during recovery, most importantly, one must be monitored by a professional, for medical and psychological issues, AND, that it takes time for the body to restore normal function after being 'turned off' for sometimes a very long time.
Without apology...♥

Metaphorically: How can YOU relate?

2010-03-15T12:59:00.000-07:00

This is a true story.

TRUSTING
If you read the first page of the San Francisco Chronicle on Thursday, Dec. 14, 2005,

you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds

of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat.
She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body-her tail,

her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside of the Golden Gate)

and radioed an environmental group for help.

Within hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was

so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and

untangle her-a very dangerous proposition.

One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.
They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.

When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles.

She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them,

pushed them gently around-she thanked them.
Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye

was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.
May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate—to be surrounded

by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you.
And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.

-------------------------------------------------------
Even as I typed this out, I had goose bumps on my arms and legs, as I imagined the miracle of this experience.
How does this story relate to YOUR experiences with having an eating disorder, or life in general? Or does it?

For myself, I was first struck by the whale's heavy prison of tangled lines, and how first, she had in no way caused herself to become entangled, and also, how this prison could lead to her death. So pertinent to how an eating disorder kidnaps us, and can be truly deadly.

In order to rescue her, someone could be hurt badly in the process. How many of us (you) hesitate or simply don't involve those close to you for fear of hurting THEM?

Freeing this whale was a slow, labor-intensive process, not by just one person, but a team of professionals. Recovery is not easy or quick, nor can it be done without professional help.

The eye contact mentioned by the one diver, reminds me that the true 'heart' of who we are can only be communicated by the honesty in our eyes. AND, both (or all) parties may be deeply affected.
Do you have people in your life who want to help you be free from those traps and lines that you are entangled in?

Do we offer our gratitude and thanks to those in our lives who ARE there for us?

Have YOU ever received the 'gift' of giving? Do you allow others to receive that 'gift' from you, by allowing them in to help?

Without apology...♥

How Does Smaller FEEL Bigger?

2010-03-08T05:01:00.000-08:00

How can a person who is literally starving, 'feel' so BIG, so FULL and desperately miserable? When you are caught in the throes of an eating disorder, your perceptions about YOUR own size are not accurate. Anyone who has suffered probably realizes that.
But knowing that does not give you the sudden ability to process what you see in the mirror accurately.
Even though at various times while I was struggling with anorexia, my weight was steadily decreasing, there was never a point where I truly 'felt' thin enough, empty enough, or just simply 'OK'.
For many many years all I could see in the mirror was someone who still wasn't acceptable, and the only method I had control over to change myself was with food, to restrict, to take more laxatives, to exercise, almost ANYTHING, in an attempt to 'shape' myself into a person who would finally meet the expectations of those around me.
I realize now, that it was for the most part, all about that. I had no clue what would please ME, b/c I had never been shown or told that I should consider that.
The attempt to find that 'perfect' acceptable weight is not about what you weigh at all. It goes much deeper than the size of your body .
The smaller I became, the more obsessed I was about my weight, and the more internal pressure I felt to eat less and lose more weight. I truly 'felt' bigger in my own skin as my body became smaller. It made no sense, but because my brain was so starved, I could not rationalize between fact and fear.
These distortions have both biological and psychological foundations. The 'starvation syndrome' overrides a person's cognitive ability to reason, and the literal fact that you are starving, leads to the driving obsession about food, weight, exercise, etc. If you went without sleep for several days, what do you think you would be obsessed about?? SLEEPING!!
I believe that while actually 'being' smaller, the actions that have led to this...avoiding or stuffing any emotions, focusing on our body and weight, are the reasons that we actually FEEL larger. Inside, there is so much confusion and conflicting emotions that need to be expressed and released that we are like a balloon about to burst.
Losing weight and controlling my life in a very ritualistic and lonely way only took a major part of my life from me.
Less became more in terms of turmoil, confusion and illness.
More has now become less in terms of fears and isolation.
My days are now focused on actually living my life.

Without apology...♥

'Body Conscious' vs. 'Feeling Fat'

2010-03-06T07:54:00.000-08:00

This past week I was faced with a situation which evoked a complex emotional response within me, plus a very unexpected couple of days of some very strong 'body consciousness'.
I have not felt any discomfort within my body, in terms of being hyper-aware of my body's presence, for a very long time...at least a couple of years.
When I was ill with anorexia, the body discomfort and consciousness was a constant 'feeling'. As I progessed through recovery, I discovered that those 'feelings' and the discomfort with my body, which were a large part of what triggered my eating disorder behaviors, were directly related to the build up of emotions I had inside.
So I began to use those moments of 'body awareness' to do some serious thinking about what was truly going on..what was I feeling, and why was it upsetting me? I learned to deal with what I was feeling, allow myself to feel it, and then move on...without allowing the body discomfort to take me back to my eating disorder.
This is one of the most important tools that I have discovered and learned to use in my life. Being able to separate my emotions from how I deal with food, or how I interpret my physical appearance has been critical.
This week? Those couple of days were important for me to realize that I'm pretty normal. How many women NEVER feel uncomfortable in their bodies? Probably none.
This experience was a reminder to me of the tools I have developed and have stored in my recovery 'toolbox'. My discomfort led me to identify those intense feelings, interpret them in a rational way, and eventually move on with a peaceful feeling.
The best part? I continued to feed my body with the proper food and amounts without hesitation.
Without apology.....♥

Self Harm --> Self Care

2010-03-03T06:27:00.000-08:00

When I was miserable as a child, and at age 13 began dieting in an attempt to be accepted and 'pretty', I had no idea that this would result in an eating disorder that held me captive for over 35 years.
Until only recently (the last few years) have I realized that the behaviors that I engaged in as an attempt to SURVIVE, were actually self-harming behaviors. I was literally hurting myself in an attempt to survive the pain that I could not handle. Trading pain for pain?
I have never 'cut' myself, but I can now see that the 'pain' of starvation, and the mindset of deprivation and ignoring my needs truly fit together with the forum of harming myself.
I felt anger, resentment, anxiety and great fear, but I did not know how to express those feelings at all, nor did I even recognize them at the time. The 'harm' and pain I was inflicting on myself was, I believe, not consciously aimed at ME, but at the people around me. In my twisted, ill-equipped psyche, I can see now that I was attempting to hurt them by hurting myself.
Kind of an 'I'll show them' attitude, but very passive/aggressive.
Yes, the people in my life were hurt by seeing me hurt, but I was obviously not solving anything with that approach. Again, none of this was evident to me during the time it was happening.
I now believe that an eating disorder does fall into the spectrum of self-harm, and like cutting, burning oneself or any other direct injurious behavior, this becomes cyclical, ebbing and flowing over time.
Another important aspect to self-harm is the lack of concern for one's health or safety. While in the midst of it, the severity is not recognized or even believed. It is a coping tool that seems to work in the moment, bringing about a pseudo relief. But the truth is, the boomerang effect is much more painful and long lasting. Solving nothing, it truly adds to a person's shame and lack of respect for themself.
Recognizing that this is what is happening is the first step to changing. Talking to someone, and/or seeking professional help is critical to moving beyond self-harm to self-care.
The key to changing is developing new and safer ways to deal with pain, shame and low self-esteem. One of the necessary steps is learning that you can control how you express or react to your emotions, instead of automatically allowing them to control you.
Increased awareness, over time, will help you to protect yourself from situations that may trigger feelings or beliefs that have played part in the harmful behaviors in the past.
As you are able to replace the old behaviors with those that do not harm, but that truly do help, your belief in your own power will increase and prepare you to move forward.
Self-acceptance and embracing who I am, 'without apology' has been THE most healing viewpoint for me in my recovery.
My words here show only a very small picture of this issue.
Life is precious. We are here on this planet together for some reason.
Why would I choose to hurt myself?
Without apology....♥

Emptiness: Physical or Emotional?

2010-02-25T14:26:00.000-08:00

What is the comfort in emptiness? What is behind the desperation felt by being 'full', and what does 'full' apply to?
Why did I feel so 'successful' when I could feel my bones, and I knew my stomach and bowels were empty? Why did I feel more 'safe' when I was emaciated, despite knowing that I could die?
There is a common desire among people suffering from an eating disorder to be 'empty'. Hence the extreme restriction of food intake, the purging of food after eating, laxative abuse to rid one's body of ANY food, or obsessive exercise in an attempt to 'use up' or compensate for what one has eaten.
I can only speculate on this, even now, being recovered, and I do not completely understand the psychology surrounding this. I do believe however, that this 'need' for emptiness has more of an emotional basis than a physical one. This correlates to how an eating disorder is not about food or weight, but about any combination of emotional stresses.
Speaking for myself, as I am now able to look back at my ED behaviors with a more 'clinical' perspective, I can identify some of the truths about how anorexia presented in my life, and what (pseudo) purpose it served.
My need to be empty had everything to do with my emotional overload, and very little, if anything to do with physical emptiness. The 'fuller' I was of intense, and what I perceived to be 'bad' feelings, the more I felt the need to be empty in a physical way. I had no knowledge or practice of releasing or expressing my feelings, but even more, the belief that those feelings were 'bad' or unacceptable held me captive.
My fear of criticism and rejection was probably one of the most painful, constant emotion that I lived with.
For some reason, being physically empty felt safe to me. Feeling my bones was comforting, as if I was protected by that fragility. I suspect that my desire for this reassurance had to do with the numbing affect of my symptoms, and of course, the sense of control it gave to me.
As with many fears that an eating disorder may hold, figuring it all out was not the way to change it. It was much about tolerating the discomfort of eating, feeling food in my body, and not using any compensatory measures, that eventually led me to trust my body.
I began to develop new ways to cope with the emotions that were no longer stuffed down inside my soul.
As strange as it may seem to some, I now welcome being 'full'. 'Full' is much more about being complete as a person, than having a full stomach. I am full of life, love and passions that were never within my reach before.

Without apology ♥

Comparisons: Searching for Identity?

2010-02-23T05:29:00.000-08:00

This was written in 2006, before I completed my recovery process.

The comparison component of anorexia is common to the disease. It is a style of thinking that anorexics may apply to many, or sometimes all aspects of their lives. A large part of this stems from fear, and also, as for me, it was tied into my lack of having any other identity.
These fears involve thinking that they aren’t “good” enough, or worry how others may perceive them. It also happens where there is already self-doubt or loathing, to show more evidence for this irrational thinking pattern. As a personality trait, 'comparison' may be in place even before anorexia is an issue.
When weight loss occurs, and their bodies begin to change, the drive for perfection may take control. The comparison focus may narrow to weight, body, sizes, food rituals, rules and amounts, but I haven’t experienced much concentration on this in treatment. I know that for some there is a sense of shame associated with this.
The comparisons may also relate to those who have little or no sense of self outside of their disease, so there is a constant search for how they “should” be, or who they 'should' become.
This is an area in which I believe that comparison thoughts aren’t affected so much by weight gain alone, but with the eventual growth, understanding and acceptance of who they are as a person. When an anorexic is in the throes of their disease, there is often little insight about the future, about who they are, and who they can be. It isn’t possible for them to attain the necessary self-confidence to present themselves as who they really are, without needing to compare with others to determine self.
In recovery, I have seen the need to compare lessen dramatically. As I’ve discovered who I am, and accepted myself as the person that I am, I’ve been able to let go of the comparisons with others. I do find that at times I still notice others’ eating habits, in comparison to what my needs are for recovery, but the obsession I use to have with what others weigh, or what size they wear, in nearly extinct in my mind.
The difference is that now I don’t feel guilt or shame for the person that I am, especially in terms of my weight, or what my accomplishments are. I measure my worth in an entirely different way. I accept criticism from others much differently than I use to. I would like to be accepted and above reproach, but my life is not determined by the views that others have. If someone has a problem with what I look like, how I do things, or what my opinions are, that is their issue, not mine.

My thoughts on this aspect of recovery haven't changed much. I know that my personal strength and belief in who I am is even stronger now, almost four years later. I also know that I am light years ahead in terms of feeling secure in who I am, and no longer searching for the 'pattern' I must abide by.

Without apology....

Big Changes

2010-02-22T12:55:00.000-08:00

Some of you may know that my dear Mother-in-Law has been living with us since my Father-in-Law passed away last May. Her physical condition is fairly 'normal' for a 78yo, but her mind has become more similar to that of a 3yo over the past year or so.Today we have been forced to make the decision to place her in a residential home where she can be safe and they can care for her. I had hoped that we could hold off until she was completely unable to feel 'hurt' by this action, but I am not convinced that is the case.
Nevertheless, due to another episode today that left me with wall to wall human waste in her bedroom and our bathroom (sorry, but I COULD get more graphic), AND with her adamantly declaring that she didn't do it (?), plus, me straining my back trying to clean it all up, we have decided it's time.
The entire time she has lived with us I have questioned whether I have done my best to make her life as good as possible. I don't know that, but I do know I tried. I have fought internally with my emotions, especially in the last 5 months or so, as it's become more and more emotionally draining to deal with an adult 3yo, feeling guilt for the resentment, yet also knowing my emotions are 'normal'.
Fact: Dave's and my life has become more and more narrow as the days go by, not being able to go anywhere without her. More resentment..more guilt. Thankfully, we have had some brief moments (yesterday) to go and see a movie-just the two of us...thanks to Dave's daughter.
Today, since the morning disaster, I have barely been able to think about anything else. I know it's time, yet this brings up so many emotions. I love her dearly, but I have started to not 'like' her so much, you know? I hate to admit that.....
We have a place ready for her..they know her, and she knows them (or use to-when she and my FIL both lived there), and I will be visiting her many times a week. I know she will be cared for...so why am I crying?
Without apology....

Owning My Own Power

2010-02-20T13:10:00.000-08:00

I cannot control what others want, what they expect, or what they want me to do and be. I CAN control how I respond to other people's expectations.
Much of my life was spent trying to figure out what people wanted from me, who they wanted me to be, and by all means, how to make everyone aroumd me happy. MY feelings didn't come into play, but unconsciously, I fought against the expectations of others, and it appeared as an eating disorder.
Every day, people make demands on my time, energy, and emotions. I do not have to say yes to every request. I do not have to feel guilty if I say no. I still have to remind myself of these things.
I have finally learned that I don't have to sacrifice or punish myself in an attempt to meet the expectations and desires of others. I can set boundaries with others, and learn to trust and listen to myself. What a novel idea! I can set goals and direction for MY life. I can own my power with people!!
Consider how responding to another's needs will affect the course of your life. You can let them have their demands and expectations and you can allow them to have their feelings. But, you have your own power to choose the path that is right for YOU!!
Without apology....♥

Stupid Excuses For Insurance Denials

2010-02-18T17:12:00.000-08:00

Insurance coverage for the treatment of eating disorders is known to be one of the most difficult to obtain. There are many reasons for this, but it seems that lack of education, and a lack of willingness to acquire factual information about eating disorders is the predominant one.
I will be attending a workshop during the International Eating Disorders Association for Professionals Conference in March, which will focus specifically on the issue of dealing with insurance companies, and how to protect your rights and obtain the coverage you are deserved.
Lisa Kantor, Esq., who will be hosting this workshop, offers the following examples of stupid things that insurance companies have used for excuses to deny coverage for treatment of an eating disorder:

The client is compliant or non-compliant (both have been used to deny benefits).
The client has 'sufficient support' at home and therefore doesn't need residential treatment.
The client is 'chronic' and basically beyond hope.
The client hasn't tried outpatient treatment first.

I'm excited to hear more about this issue and to share this information with those who are in need. Stay tuned....

Without apology....

Very Few Decisions are Forever....

2010-02-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

Do YOU like making decisions in your daily life? For most people, I suspect, it's not a big deal. They go through their days, making decisions about everything from what color of shirt to wear, to which project at work to start on first, and life goes on.
I use to spend an unbelievable amount of time laboring over decisions in my daily life that very seldom held much if any importance. The bigger decisions were easier in fact, because the pros and cons were more obvious.
Much of my deliberation and inability to make a decision had to do with thinking that whatever decision I made had to be THE RIGHT one. What if I made the wrong decision? Even worse, what if someone disagreed with my decision?
Several years ago, my therapist helped me with this by pointing out that very few decisions in our lives cannot be reversed, or else they just aren't that important. Even a decision about accepting a job does not mean we have to work at that job for our entire life. We can try things out and then change our mind! What a unique idea!
My husband just told me to pick where I wanted to go for dinner tonight. Even two years ago I would have either refused to make the decision and thrown it back to him, or I would have stewed about it, worrying that I would somehow make the wrong decision, and our lives would be ruined forever. Geeez....
I thought for about 15 seconds, and told him what sounded good to me. I based my decision on what I wanted, not on how I thought someone else would react. Very cool...
Without apology.....

Uncertainty: Challenge or Possibility?

2010-02-13T12:29:00.000-08:00

For many many years, even before I became ill with an eating disorder, I liked to know what the 'plan' was. I would become very anxious about the things in my life that were uncertain. I 'needed' to know ahead of time what to expect, or at least I thought that I did.
While I struggled with anorexia, this 'need' for certainty became stronger and encompassed more and more areas of my life. I can understand now how my insecurities and the lack of control in so many areas of my life played into that, but of course, I didn't understand it at all then.
I often am told the same thing by others who are in recovery from an eating disorder. Absolutes seem much 'safer' and if uncertainty looms ahead, it can bring intense fear. This has to do with the lack of control involved, and what I believe to be the fear that the absolute worst will happen. If a situation isn't clearly 'black' or 'white', it's often just avoided or not dealt with. It's too frightening.
I see things much differently now. Much of that is due to my ability to be in the present and enjoy life for it's experiences, and the confidence that I can face whatever is ahead for me without breaking down.
What helped me to face the fear of the unknown, or the uncertainty of the future? After all, none of us knows what tomorrow will bring.
I began to look at things with a more postitive outlook, always knowing that whatever was to come could be handled. I am not alone anymore, by my own choice, or without resources and friends who I can count on. I no longer expect the impossible of myself. I also like to think that the 'unknown' of the future offers possibilities, and not just challenges!
Look at the odds: whatever tomorrow or the next hour brings, there is a 50% chance that the experience will be positive. And the other 50%? I know I can make wise decisions about how to cope and get through the challenge. Nothing stays the same forever.
Without apology....

Emotional Meanings of Words

2010-02-09T10:45:00.000-08:00

It's pretty amazing how much power and influence that certain words and phrases can have in our lives. There is much 'talk' about how current media advertisements can affect our views and perceptions of what is considered 'normal', in terms of body weight, eating habits, exercise, and the definition of 'beauty' in general. Many other factors can influence how we perceive ourselves and how we may apply certain terms to ourselves.
I'm going to consider the overall population of people who suffer from some type of eating disorder when I pose the following questions, simply because I can identify with this group :)
What are the 'assumed' definitions associated with the following words or phrases? If applied to YOU, what do you automatically think of?

Body fat
Weight
Weight gain
Weight loss
Diet
Healthy eating
"You look good!"

I know what I use to associate with these words or phrases. My immediate response was how this negatively applied to me. Some of the common adjectives that I would apply to myself when I thought of the above words or statements included:

Body fat...unclean, lazy, worthless, rejected, ugly, repulsive, alone, hopeless, immoral, bad
Weight...'not good enough', too big, 'shows my flaws', 'way to prove myself', perfect, worth
Weight gain...failure, unclean, lazy, out of control, ugly, hated, bad, weak, lonely, unaccepted, immoral, worse than others, gluttonous, 'unhealthy?', unworthy, complicated
Weight loss...successful, willpower, good, safe, virtuous, strong, 'better', loved, accepted, envied, 'healthy?', worthy, achievement, productive, pure, simple
Diet...less, willpower, strong, thin, pretty, limit, success, safe, clean, peace, accepted
Healthy eating...less, clean, safe, spiritual, pure, limited, simple, 'better', virtuous

"You look good!": This one is like a double-edged sword. When I first lost weight as a pre-teen, this was exactly what I wanted to hear, and it fueled my desire to continue to lose weight...which led to the development of anorexia. At that point, this phrase told me I was finally acceptable, thin, strong, pretty, loved, successful, 'good', and worthy. Throughout the years, after the eating disorder became more and more entrenched into my mind, my life and my entire soul, hearing this statement took on a completely different meaning. Hearing those words would cause me to feel intense fear. I heard 'fat' immediately, then failure, weak, ugly, hopeless, 'bad', dirty, unacceptable, gross, gluttonous, and disgusting.

One of the reasons I chose to write about this is because I can now see that when a person equates who they are to what they weigh, it can be a strong component in the development of an eating disorder. I realize more and more just how much the messages that we apply to ourselves can affect us, either for good or for harm. During recovery, I have learned to dismantle and challenge those old meanings and messages so that I am no longer affected by those irrational, emotional meanings of words.

Without apology.....

Thankful for NO weight loss!!

2010-02-09T05:57:00.000-08:00

So, some of you are probably thinking, "yeah, right".
First, I'd like to thank you all for just 'being' last week during those few days while I was sick, then my Mother-in-Law, then Dave...etc. I hate being sick like nothing else...such a waste of good time! :)I have never picked up viruses or such very easily, so perhaps that's part of why I hate being 'down' with anything (or just my hyper nature :)
It's probably been about three years since I've actually been sick and had to be in bed and not engaged in my daily activities.But, this time was different in another way. Even while I was ill with anorexia, being sick with a stomach virus always frightened me. I think because I knew I was weak, and that any weight loss due to such a virus would add to the intensity of my illness. It frightened me in the same odd way that thinking I may not have access to food always did...weird I know, when I was simultaneously choosing to starve myself. Sigh....
This time, I totally listened to my body, and acted in accordance. I rested and I ate as I felt able, but I didn't feel that terror of the past about not being able to eat my normal amount. I felt a peace and trust with my body and my mind. I didn't worry that being out of a routine with my eating would cause me to spiral. I felt safe, despite the nausea and well, other 'problems' :)
I took the same approach as I began to feel better....eating what I knew I needed, yet also staying aware that forcing things would not serve me well :) It's been less than a week since I began to feel better, and I feel like myself again...thank God!!
I stopped in today at my 'favorite weighing spot'..hehe....and was told that after a small 'dip' right after I had been sick last week, my body had bounced right back to where it needs to be!!
For me, that is further affirmation that I am continuing to heal....that my body is where it needs to be, and that it is protecting it's healthy weight!! I feel safe. I feel a bit giddy, to know that I am alive and I don't have to 'work' to stay that way. I hope that makes some small amount of sense.So, tonight...I am peaceful knowing that I did not lose weight.
Thank you all for 'listening'...Namaste.

Raw Emotion....

2010-02-05T11:57:00.000-08:00

The following is part of a message that I wrote in reply to a very special friend's email to me. The beginning refers to her own fears about the harmfulness of certain foods. Here is my reply:

OK...I eat a LOT of processed foods. I didn't use to, but I do now b/c I know the calorie counts, I know I am getting adequate fat grams, and because ANY food is now LEGAL. I am NOT unhealthy. If I were not eating these foods...if I had not begun to allow these foods, I would now be dead. Period.
When it comes down to life or death, eating processed foods is the favored choice. ALL of my food is not processed to death. But I am not afraid to cook a frozen Stouffer's meal when I want it...or if it's easier. I have learned that it's OK to do things the easy way sometimes. I never would allow that in my sick existence. I had to be in pain in order for my days to be worthwhile. Familiar? Historically, my 'safe' foods changed a lot. Usually that meant 'plain', no added fat, ALWAYS DIFFERENT from what others were eating. The only 'safe' foods were 'my' foods. During recovery, a motto for many of us was 'a calorie is a calorie is a calorie'. In other words, you eat x number of calories a day to survive. In the long run, what they consist of doesn't matter. Now, I realize that 'balance' has it's importance, especially for growing children and those with special health needs.
BUT, recovering from an eating disorder IS A FUCKING HEALTH NEED!! So..you can take that mantra and argue it to death, or you can simply smile and realize what's at stake here. Please remember, I am NOW coming from a very different perspective...I know how far-fetched all of that may sound. However, it is true.

This next 'free writing' ramble answers her inquiry as to whether I thought my eating disorder had a component of 'punishment', and what that may have been based on.

What did I punish myself for, or think I needed to punish myself for? Hmmm....I punished myself for being alive...for being fat...for thinking 'bad' things...for never making my parents smile (they never did anyway)...for being fat....for saying stupid things...for being in the way...for causing my parents to spend money....for not being 'good' enough-although I was told often how 'good' of a baby I was.....for being fat.....for causing trouble...for asking for things...THEN....for being 'bad' when I sneaked around, had sex in the alley, lost too much weight....caused them to worry....THEN...couldn't have babies...cost too much money on therapy....COULD NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT....wasn't a good enough housekeeper....not a good enough Mom.....had to go to the hospital....killed my baby b/c I didn't take care of myself....he died over and over as I bled for three solid months....THEN...for losing weight again, despite all that I had to live for...b/c my Mom had to take care of both boys when I went back to the psych ward....for being an embarrassment.....for costing too much money...for not getting well...for hurting my boys...for not being there for them....for hating my husband.....for hating sex.....for wanting things......for killing myself over and over....THEN..for going to nursing school b/c I WANTED to......for not making good enough grades.....for wrecking 5 cars in two years traveling back and forth to Nursing school....for not being there for my boys.....for making my family sad and embarrassed.....for never being good enough....THEN....for costing so much money to go to treatment in AZ....for failing once again..for not really wanting to come home.....for always being confused.....for never being the 'best' nurse (in my mind)...for not being happy.....out of fear that I would hurt a patient.....THEN...for having to go back to Remuda.....for not doing better....for being depressed.....THEN...for Timmy's death....for not being there for him.....I can't go on right now.....
At that point I was FEELING deeply. I didn't stop writing to stop feeling, but rather to fully devote my energy to feeling. When those moments come, whenever, or for whatever reason, I must stop and allow myself to fully experience whatever is happening. I owe that to myself and to the memories of my son, or whatever the issue pertains to.
Without apology....

Just SELFISH?

2010-02-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

I can remember being told many times throughout the years of being ill with anorexia that I was "just being selfish". Whew! Didn't I care about my family, my children, etc.? Talk about shame and guilt!!
I KNEW I was not a selfish person, in fact, looking back, I sacrificed myself in many ways in an attempt to please others or meet their expectations, however convoluted it may have appeared. To those on the outside looking in on a person who is suffering with an eating disorder, I can see how it can appear to be a very 'selfish' condition.
YES, an eating disorder does in fact develop into a very 'self-focused' way of existence. But that's different from BEING selfish. I think it's important for any of us who have been told this, to realize the deeper meaning, and to not allow this to be another factor that decreases the worth we see in ourselves. During recovery, I think many steps along the way are devoted to switching that focus from ourselves, in terms of the obsessive rituals and rules that have kept us sick, to focusing on how to truly CARE for ourselves. Even this focus is NOT selfish, but an important factor that will truly increase our belief in ourselves and the strength we have to embrace others into our lives.
Some things that may be helpful include: daily gratitudes (which may translate to prayer, meditation, yoga, etc.), relaxation techniques, daily emotional check-ins with those close to you who understand, journaling, SUPPORT GROUPS, or any other methods that help you to change your mindset from your external identity, to who you are internally, heart and soul. How can you change YOUR self-focus to a more recovery type of focus?

Body 'Checking'

2010-01-26T14:06:00.001-08:00

You know what ‘body checking’ is…you are constantly feeling your stomach to see if it feels bigger….you may see if, and how many, fingers you can fit into the waistline of your jeans….or maybe you check multiple times during the day to see how your fingers fit around your wrist, or for me, my upper arm. This applies to mirror images also. Do you turn sideways every time you pass the mirror to make sure your stomach is still flat? Or when you pass by the shop windows along the street, do you stare at your image in horror, or do you look to make sure you appear ‘thin enough’?I can identify with all of these and many more. During my recovery, as I was trying to learn how to deal with the changes in my body and the weight I had gained, I had to come up with some form of ‘strategy’ in order to stay sane. I made the decision to stop all ‘body checking’. This meant that if I knew an article of clothing would cause me to worry and fret, I wouldn’t wear it. For a period of time, I covered the mirrors in my apartment, aside from a small area to apply make-up and do my hair, so that I would not focus on how my body looked. I made a point to avoid watching those shop windows. I stopped ‘checking’ to see the difference in my wrist or arm size. And, I stopped looking at the tags in my clothing. Some of them I cut out purposely to avoid dwelling on sizes.I didn’t have to do this forever, but it helped me tremendously ‘in the moment’, and later on, as I dealt with letting go of body image issues.

How Did I Become Me?

2010-01-23T12:22:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I do love my parents. I do love my family. I do not abide by the belief that parents/families can cause their child or family member to develop an eating disorder.
That said, I would like to share some thoughts pertaining to how the environment in which I was raised may have played into my difficulties as I approached puberty and adulthood.

I was asked a few days ago how I determined what I wanted for my life after being ill for so many years. This is a very pertinent question, because for anyone who had an eating disorder, letting go of the eating disordered identity is very frightening, but it's necessary for full recovery to be possible.
So I began to think. From a very young age, I was 'taught' who I should be. All around me I saw and heard the rules about what being 'good', 'right', and 'safe' were. I was constantly reminded of what was and was not acceptable, but I realize now that it was never explained to me why I had to be accepted. I am not referring to basic respect and practical kindness. I am referring to issues like racial prejudice, sexual orientation, political opinions, and some personal values. Even 45 years ago, criticisms about weight, mine and others, with a very derogatory tone, were frequent. I grew up terrified of what being an adult, and the responsibilities involved, looked like.
Upon finding myself at a place in recovery where I was stable physically, I realized that I was in total chaos in terms of knowing what I wanted for my life, or knowing who I really was. I didn't have to follow anyone else's 'rules' anymore, I didn't have to believe a certain way, avoid certain people or things, or strive for some unattainable ideal. I was lost.
Because I was literally beginning at 'ground level', divorced and having relocated to a city where I knew only those people I had met during recovery (and many had moved on), I was given what I can now see as a gift. The gift of freedom to define myself and decide for the first time in my life what I believed, sans what others wanted me to believe.
I have to admit that for a time, my journey of exploration was very sloppy and somewhat careless. I discovered many things that I DID NOT equate to who I am. For a while I frightened myself and others with my somewhat reckless impulsive decisions.
However, I discovered some things about myself that I really do love. I was relieved to find out that I don't have to hate others who are not 'like' me. What does that mean anyway?
I can now embrace the opportunity that my life offers, that allows me to be involved with a culturally diverse population. My world has grown from a very narrow, unhealthy, and frightening place, to a wide open space where I am free, healthy and not afraid of facing life and the world anymore.
Happiness is no longer something that indicates laziness. I am free to choose whether I WANT to clean my house or see a movie with a friend-or by myself. Each day continues to be an adventure for me in many ways. I continue to learn more about myself, what I believe, and what about life I missed for so long. In some ways I have come full circle. I have always been a loving and compassionate person, and I always will be. The difference? I now know it.
For as long as I live, I will continue to define who I am. The difference now is I base those definitions on MY values and choices. Without apology....

Hope an Essential Part of Recovery

2010-01-17T13:45:00.000-08:00

HOPE. What part does it play in the process of recovery from an eating disorder?
For myself, I believe 'hope' was THE critical piece that I didn't have during my numerous 'failed' attempts at recovery. I am now able to see the picture clearly, and I know that for a number of reasons, I felt no hope, nor was I offered any hope for recovery, UNTIL going into my final, successful treatment. Recovery is a complex, defeating process, so hope is an essential ingredient, I believe, for anyone to find the strength to keep moving forward. At times, 'giving up' seems almost easier. Recovery requires some trust in the process. And for me, in order to trust the process, I truly needed a steady supply of hope, which was offered to me in various ways by the professionals who were treating me.
In time, I began to believe more in myself, which gave growth to more hope, and trust in myself as well as the process.
One very valuable form of hope that was offered to me was knowing that others believed that I could recover. I had never, during the entire previous 30 years of my illness, been told that recovery was possible, let alone that I could recover.
Hope for me involved the idea that I could actually escape from the personal prison of anorexia that I had known as my life for so many years. The potential for freedom generated feelings akin to euphoria, an energy that helped me to persevere through the very daunting process of recovery. For me the process involved some major grief work, a divorce (which held many negative meanings in my mind), complete relocation and sudden independence (which were both terrifying and liberating), and the continuing process of establishing a mature, healthy relationship with my adult son.
For everyone, recovery involves a myriad of issues that much be dealt with. The great thing is, once your physical health has been resolved, those issues are not nearly as daunting and terrifying as they seemed previously.
Hope can inspire, motivate and offer incentive to ask for help. The isolation that many times accompanies an eating disorder may stem from a lack of hope and the resolve that there is no point in trying.
Hope can often be about telling the truth, and ending the lies about the eating disorder.
In any illness, hope can be an essential element. Hope can improve the prognosis in a life threatening illness, while also greatly improving a person's quality of life.
If you think about your daily life, what motivates you? What 'feeds' your passions?
If the vision before you is dark and seemingly impossible, how much energy are you going to have to face tomorrow?
At some point, I believe we can be our own resource for hope. This can include choosing the people in our lives so that we are surrounded by encouragement that goes both ways. We give, and we receive. It's a simple, yet powerful dynamic.
Our words hold more power than we realize. The words we use to describe ourselves may actually be influential in how we live our lives and how we feel.
I practice a few simple methods on a daily basis that help me continue to build up my hope and to keep a positive attitude.

I look for hope in every situation. It's like looking at the glass 'half-full'.
I have developed a large social support system. I am involved with community groups and activities that have allowed me to form relationships with some very positive people.
I remember that I am a survivor.
I practice gratitude, and I make an effort to make sure that the people in my life know that they are important to me.
Breathe. Inhale the hope. Exhale the despair. INSPIRATION!!

Without apology....

Set Point: How Your Body Tries to Protect You

2010-01-10T13:43:00.000-08:00

What does 'set point' really mean? If you consider that our metabolism automatically adjusts to either excess or insufficient available energy (calories), you can begin to understand how carefully our bodies are 'tuned' to protect a certain weight.Genetics and eating habits determine body size. If an adult does not try to manipulate their body weight by dieting or excessive eating, their weight will be remarkably stable over time.'Set point' can be described as a reference point around which the body tries to keep a stable weight.Body temperature is another example of a type of 'set point'. There are a variety of physical mechanisms that 'kick in' if a person's temperature goes above or below 37 degrees Celcius, in an effort to maintain a normal body temperature.'Set point' is individual to each person. If a slight amount of weight is gained, most people will experience an increase in their metabolic rate so that the excess energy (calories) are wasted. This allows the body to return to that previous set point relatively easily.However, in the case of weight loss, the metabolism will slow down as less food is eaten or exercise is increased. This leads to a protective decrease in energy burned, which will result in weight gain on fewer calories than before. This is your body's attempt to protect that genetic 'set point'.This concept explains why very few people are able to maintain a weight loss after being on a diet.Your 'set point', unlike a media-brainwashed mind, does not care about current 'fashion' or contributing to the massive diet industry. Your 'genes' are what dictate your body shape and size.Set point cannot be randomly determined or measured.It is estimated that if you have been eating 'normally' and not obsessively exercising for about a year, you are likely at your 'set point'. This is speaking for adults, and cannot be applied before a person's growth is complete.Predisposition to be a certain size 'runs in the family'.Certain factors can alter set point, but there are still more questions than answers regarding this issue. Pregnancy may temporarily alter set point for some women, and for others, it may result in a permanent higher 'natural' weight. The conclusions about this are disimilar.What does this mean? This concept implies that the farther you are from your natural set-point (either way), the more difficult it is to maintain, and your body will work to revert back to your 'natural' weight. Accepting and remaining at a stable weight, YOUR set point, is healthier that the yo-yo dieting cycle.As much as it seems to go against all we see and hear around us today, you need to consider weight as you consider height. It's all based on our genetic predisposition.The dangerous and exasperating attempts and time spent on trying to change your weight can be much better spent on fulfilling your life-long dreams, desires and happiness.Unfortunately, we live in a culture that values thinness in women, to a degree that causes illness and eating disorders, now world-wide.Isn't life more about accepting ourselves AND others at a natural heatlthy weight, and challenging the false notion that thin people are necessarily happier, smarter or more virtuous?
Without apology.....

What Do You Really 'Give Up' in Recovery?

2010-01-05T13:36:00.000-08:00

Recovering from an eating disorder of any type is complex, difficult and not a quick process. Recovery is not linear, nor does it move at a constant pace. There may be periods when a person feels 'stuck', and is confused as to why.One of the hardest parts of recovery for many people is actually letting go of their eating disorder. This is often because the eating disorder served some purpose in that person's life, which at the time seemed useful.'Giving up' an eating disorder can feel very much like a loss, which can cause increased fear of what being without the eating disorder will really mean.
Some of the 'functions' that an eating disorder may serve in a person's life include:
-Self-soothing
-Praise or attention from others
-Diversion from family or relationship issues
-Delays adult responsibilities-Avoidance of sexuality
-Avoidance of memories or feelings
-Maintains a sense of control
-Creates an identity: sense of self
What purpose has an eating disorder had in your life? Do you know?
The important thing in recovery is to begin to pursue other means of getting these needs met, or facing the issues that have been avoided.
Some ways to move forward can include:
-Practice ways of relaxation or self-soothing
-Direct communication to get your needs met
-Don't rush recovery. Set a realistic pace
-Separate sexuality from recovery (if applies)
-Work on 'sitting' with feelings
-Look for ways to define and feel good about YOU.
NEVER GIVE UP!!!
-Without apology-

New Year's Resolutions or Expectations?

2010-01-04T08:17:00.000-08:00

Now, as we have said our good-byes to 2009, and have embarked on the first decade of the 21st Century, many of us may be reflecting on the past, and 'resolving' for the future.I'm personally not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions. I have seen this work far too often as a 'rule' to be broken, and the 'butt' of many jokes.
I'd rather see each day as a new opportunity to set goals for ourselves or to envision and move toward dreams we may have for our lives.For those of us who have suffered, or continue to work for recovery from an eating disorder, it's not uncommon for us to expect and pursue unrealistic things for ourselves. Perfection? I don't believe in it. Therefore we can not be imperfect either. I'm not saying that I don't believe strongly in the power that each of us possesses to pursue greater things for our lives, but I encourage you to stop and think if that pursuit is building you up or tearing you down.The expectations that we place on ourselves AND others oftentimes end up being the things that defeat us. This often parallels the need/desire for control in our lives and our environment. This isn't feasible. We cannot control those around us. And when we expect others in our lives to be a certain way or do a certain thing, often we are setting ourselves up for anger, frustration, resentment, or any mixture of emotions...which too often get stuffed down inside and may surface as self-harm (ED). Is it worth it? Do we really have a right to put our own expectations on others..especially if we are setting ourselves up in the process? I don't believe we do.
And as I have adopted this concept more and more into my own life (thanks to my husband :), I have felt a great burden taken off of me. My need to control and 'see all' very seldom surfaces anymore.I am not referring to our rights to be respected by others, or to be loved and cared for, but the 'expectations' that emerge from our own need for certainty and control.The flip side of this may be even more damaging for we who are or have been 'people pleasers'. The expectations (or perceived ones) that we face in our lives daily carry much more power to 'fuel' our eating disorders and the strive for perfection than almost any other factor. I'm referring to the 'extremes', not the reports we have due for school or work, etc. It's when we sacrifice ourselves (literally) in order to please others, be accepted, or to avoid criticism, when the harm is done. I was told from a very young age that I was 'so good'. Wow! That's a tough label to keep in place. I was told exactly what was the 'right' way to think, act, and grow up. These 'expectations' were very gender stereotypical, so my only option for adulthood was marriage and raising children. My response? I decided (subconsciously) not to grow up. This wasn't the only factor in the development of my eating disorder, but it was a strong one. Are you living your life to meet others' expectations? Are they realistic? Do they correlate with your own values and goals for your life? Are those expectations actually infringing on your free will and rights? Maybe now is the time to decide what YOUR beliefs, values and life goals are, outside of what others expect.
So, perhaps you can ask yourself as the time approaches to celebrate 2010, how can I prevent from 'setting myself up' for disappointment or defeat as I work my recovery? How can I relax what I expect from others so that I am better focused on meeting my own needs?May each of you be blessed with a safe, healthy and joyful New Year!!

The Last Decade

2009-12-28T11:39:00.000-08:00

Do any of you remember all the frenzy right before the year 2000 turned over? We thought all the computers in the world would crash, or worse, that our water supply would be tainted, etc., so people were buying up water for reserve, filling up their bathtubs, and the fear was high.
It was all uncertain. No one really knew what to expect, but the unknown held dark demons.
As I'm thinking today about the coming year, 2010, I reflect back upon all that this last decade (wow!) has held for me and my life. Of course, none of the fears of the year 2000 came to pass, and our world has continued to produce, explore, and invent, new and better (?) electronic devices. The turn of the century didn't mark the end of the world as we know it...for the most part.
But for me, in ways that were completely unknown and unexpected, this decade HAS marked the end of the world as I had known it for the first 44 years of my life.
I had just began my career as a RN at the beginning of this decade. I had barely survived Nursing School, not only in terms of passing my classes, but literally by surviving alive. I was spiraling down once again in weight and bargaining in my mind that tomorrow would be different..finally. Each day became more difficult.
In May of 2001, I was working at my third facility, after only 5 months earlier, nearly dying from strep pneumonia and sepsis. I liked my job in the ER, although it was hard work. It is a miracle that I was able to do my job.
I went back into treatment for anorexia in May, only to leave the second week of June to bury my 17 year old son. Tim was accidentally shot and killed at point blank range, by his very best friend.
I still remember after returning to treatment, in an attempt to 'get healthy', standing on a desolate knoll in the Arizona desert, screaming at the top of my lungs, "WHY?"
That word still rings in my head nearly every day. I have no answer.
I believe that I was born with a strong core. I also believe that God must have had a purpose for me to live despite what I put my body through.
I entered the River Centre Clinic on January 21, 2002, knowing that if I didn't recover 'this time', I would die. At the time, I wasn't even sure I wanted to live.
From that moment up until this day, my life has changed in nearly every way possible. Summarily, it's all for the good. Looking back, I know I am who I am today because of the sum of my experiences. Eloquent...NO! Just true.
The past decade has been the decade of LIFE for me. A sort of rebirth. Feeling the grief and loss of my dear son, yet feeling the joys and passions that live in me. I can't have one without the other. I love BIG. I cry often. I laugh even more often :)
I know who I am. I accept who I am. I don't equate my body with who I am..finally!
Amazing people fill my world. I can be ME with them and they love me. I am never lonely even when I am alone. I get angry about injustice, and I cry when I see a baby.
I know what it is to love someone totally...to be IN love.....heart, soul and mind. I am amazed by the depths of my love every day.
I very seldom use the phrase, "I'm sorry" because I no longer feel as if I shouldn't 'be'.
I am not afraid anymore. I am not perfect..sigh.
I am alive. Without apology.
Happy 2010!!!

Self Awareness and Developing Your True Identity

2009-12-20T08:23:00.000-08:00

Do you think you would be different in any way, had your life been interrupted by a life-threatening eating disorder? Do you think your view of yourself would be impacted by this experience? I’d like to share with you how your self-awareness and identity can be affected, either temporarily or permanently, if you suffer from an eating disorder.
1. IMPORTANT FACTORS IN RECOVERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER
Self-awareness, especially on an emotional level, takes time and introspection. It’s a dynamic process, lasting throughout a person’s lifetime. Some people may develop a deeper understanding of themselves than others for a variety of reasons. These reasons may include their family dynamics while growing up; experiences with relationships, friendships, and social interactions; religious convictions; or if their personality tends to be more obsessive or perfectionist. These can be important factors in a person’s level of self-awareness. Further, I believe that there are some people who are more naturally “tuned in”, and able to understand themselves more fully on a higher level.
Upon developing an eating disorder, the level of self-awareness becomes compromised when compared to the self-understanding before the onset of the disorder. As the disorder continues and worsens, it becomes more complex; many fears and doubts begin to form causing further confusion about identity. As the eating disorder identity broadens to consume more aspects of life, more and more of the former identity may slip away, or lie dormant.
During the intense phases of the disorder, true self-awareness isn’t possible. The ability to think clear, rational thoughts becomes nearly impossible due to the affects of starvation. When suffering from an eating disorder, self-awareness is usually limited to the most basic needs for survival, and even at that, it becomes clouded in terms of one’s own physical well-being. Awareness of self is restricted to only who you are in the realm of your disease, strictly on the outside, and what is perceived to be obvious to others.
Self-criticism and the belief that one is never “good enough” are often exhibited by fear and isolation. At this point, there is an awareness manifested by thoughts of being bad, wrong, or imperfect; all of these thoughts lead to a lack of awareness of true self. I have found that true self-awareness involves accepting yourself, being confident with whom you are, and having the motivation to keep moving forward. This requires an honest evaluation of yourself, psychologically and emotionally, and being willing and able to reach out for support and input from others. It may be difficult to accept imperfection within oneself, but the reality is that no one is perfect. This mindset is much more complex when suffering from an eating disorder. The thought of possibly being imperfect usually causes great fear. It may equate to a loss of control, being a failure or a “bad” person, and it may bring on a sense of danger or impending doom. To the anorexic, the ability to be “perfect” is a convoluted form of self-protection.
When in recovery from an eating disorder, the hardest part is breaking away from the obsessive mindset, in order to begin to focus on thoughts, feelings and true self-analysis. The first step, weight restoration, can be the key to unlocking the rational and teachable part of your brain. Learning about yourself requires taking risks, and a willingness to reveal parts of yourself which you may have kept hidden for a very long time. It’s a process which requires time to begin to fit the pieces together, and at a certain point, becomes more of an exciting discovery. Acceptance of who you truly are, in the process of recovery, is necessary for continued progress.
How does self-awareness differ from how you evaluate self-worth? The concept of “self” may be based more on:
· Judgment and criticism associated with your accomplishments
· Self-denial
· How well controlled you consider yourself to be
· How well you control the world around you
Most likely, the anorexic wants these “virtues” to be noticed by key people in their life. They may feel stronger because they have the will power not to eat, the ability to lose weight, or because they can somehow survive on less sleep. Fewer needs equates to more strength or control. They may determine their worth solely on inner strength, outward accomplishments and self-control.
My own self-awareness increased drastically as I recovered from a long history of anorexia. A major difference is that I can now accept my imperfections, or my humanness, including my physical characteristics (weight, size, shape, etc.) as well as who I am inside: emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. I don’t consider myself as inadequate or mentally ill anymore. Additionally, my definitions of “perfect” and “imperfect” have completely changed. I don’t believe that perfection exists, so therefore there cannot be imperfection. In the past, my own attempts for perfection only led to feelings of self-hatred, failure, and unhealthy coping methods. As I have become aware of these things, I also realize that I can use my new awareness and acceptance of myself to move forward in my life, to face my future with a positive outlook, and to develop meaningful and lasting relationships with special people in my life on all levels. I feel a new confidence in knowing who I am, and in my ability to contribute to relationships.
2. IDENTITY
“The set of behavioral or personal characteristics by which an individual is recognizable.”
The desire for the “anorexic identity” can be an enormous factor in the development and maintenance of anorexia and the reconstructive task of recovery. Even before the onset of the anorexic disease process and associated behaviors, there will be doubt and confusion about identity. Several factors often add to the confusion in this matter, especially for women. Parental teaching and expectations, sometimes pertaining to gender roles in society, or religious teachings, can cause conflict with regard to individual beliefs and life goals. The influence of society and the emphasis that is put on the importance of outward beauty and physical perfection can trigger guilt and lowered self-esteem. In an over-controlled environment, the desire to gain control becomes all-important. Developmental instructions that mandate how one “should be” or moral concepts that dictate what one “should believe” lead to the conclusion that all things can be determined to be either good or bad.
Interpretations of good and bad may vary among different people, but being “good” usually means being people-pleasing, conflict avoidant, and maintaining emotional and physical self-control. Emotional self-control commonly involves denying any feelings and emotions. Physical self-control focuses on body perfection, which is displayed in society as the ultimate goal and achievement. When suffering from anorexia, there is a need for control and the search for perfection evolves into restricting food, losing weight, exercising, and other forms of bodily control. The lack of clear identity, along with the obsessive nature of the disorder, often results in isolation in order to protect oneself from scrutiny or judgment.
When your weight loss becomes obvious, the positive reactions from others strengthens personal resolve and fuels the belief that this is good and acceptable, i.e., more “perfect”. This may be viewed as self-control and strength. As an anorexic, this promotes the feeling of pride and accomplishment which will likely encourage thoughts to continue to prove self worth and strength by physical, emotional, and psychological denial. When acceptable and successful in others’ eyes, this is deemed to be “good”. To an anorexic, “bad” is synonymous with weakness, and may be applied to eating, weight gain, cleanliness (germs), impulsiveness, lack of self-control, displaying emotions, and allowing oneself joy and pleasure. A convincing argument could even be formulated that if one’s life isn’t difficult and painful, then you aren’t working hard enough.
Over time, this anorexic identity strengthens as individuality diminishes, and you are unable to have a rational view of yourself. It becomes increasingly more important that others notice your weight loss in order to uphold that anorexic identity, even when it becomes obvious that weight loss has reached a dangerous level. The numerous psychological factors involved in the maintenance of anorexia may each take on their own personal identity. It’s terrifying, as an anorexic, to imagine letting go of that identity; there is perceived emptiness without it, along with loss and loneliness. This often leads to desperation in thinking:
· Who am I without it?
· How do I find out who I am?
· Will I like who I am?
· Will others like who I am?
This is a process of discovery, and it can not be hurried. But it can be encouraged by being willing to take risks in exploring your values, reaching out for support, and by challenging your past beliefs.
In my experience after many years of maintaining the disease and not being successful in numerous attempts at recovery, I felt no pride or accomplishment in that identity. For years, my “anorexic” identity had been seen by everyone around me, but I felt shame and guilt for continuing to be sick. I hid my body and pretended that I was fine. I wanted out of the prison I had built, and I wanted to adopt a new identity, yet fear had me immobilized, and I knew no way out. As I began to recover, giving up that identity wasn’t as hard as I had expected. Because that identity had become a source of shame for me, I desperately wanted something better for my life. I also made the decision not to return to the environment I had come from, so I didn’t have the same issues that others might have of people noticing and commenting on the physical changes they saw in me. I did however, feel great fear about what my identity would be without anorexia. I knew myself no other way.
During recovery, the first and most important issue that I addressed was weight restoration and maintenance; normal brain function had to be restored. On a daily basis, weight stability has been the key to allowing me to discover my true identity. I feared at first that I would have to develop or create an identity, which seemed overwhelming, until I realized that I had an identity before anorexia. I had to do a lot of hard work to recover and understand it. Recovery is a process which requires repeated times of letting go and allowing yourself to become who you really are. I have acquired an understanding and belief that worth is not earned, nor is it something that is developed. Worth is something that is realized along with the development of an identity outside of anorexia, including the social skills to contribute to meaningful relationships, and the acceptance of who you are as a person. This requires taking risks, a commitment to examining who you are as a person, and patience. I now find strength in having true control over my disease, trusting my own decisions, and by refusing to use past coping skills.
Developing and maintaining an identity is a life-long process, as you grow, change, live, and learn. Life’s experiences, and how you deal with them, also influence who you are. At this point in my recovery, I have learned a lot about who I am, and I am able to accept myself, flaws and all! I have become comfortable with my body size, and when I feel discomfort, I am aware that it is not about my body, but that something emotional is going on, and I’m not dealing with it in the healthiest way. Now that I know what maintaining a healthy weight has given me, I’m not willing to sacrifice that. My weight is no longer who I am.

Random Snippets.....

2009-12-18T07:18:00.000-08:00

Breaking Benjamin concert...Wednesday night...

I'm preparing to drive four hours today to Indianapolis. My Christmas gift to my son Matt is to attend a concert with him (his idea). Breaking Benjamin and two or three additional bands??? Should be interesting.....:)It's actually pretty amazing that he wants me to go with him, for several reasons. It was only 5-6 years ago that I could not be around him for fear of my own safety. His anger and grief over his brother's death, combined with me leaving and divorcing his Father caused extreme turmoil between us. I won't even try to describe it all. I'd like to forget. But what is so wonderful about this is that he WANTS to be with me, and he knows that I am now truly alive and able to enjoy doing things with him (even this concert ?? :). I missed out on so many of these types of things while he was growing up. One of his worst memories (and mine), he has told me, is me being in a wheelchair while we were at DisneyWorld. I was too weak to walk around the park due to my eating disorder. He was about 7 years old, and he has told me how humiliating it was for him. I have forgiven myself (but it took a long time), and now, I can only hope that by making new and more joyful memories, those more painful ones will fall behind.

After....

First, I have not become a groupie...head banging, hot, sweaty, LOUD, but it was all worth it to be with Matt. I was thinking in the midst of it, that he and I have truly not had times of FUN together...it was like we all just 'got through' each day...makes me tear up. But last night....we were alive..BOTH of us! Not crazy (well, maybe a little :), but I could tell he was happy to be with me, and I think he was proud of me....maybe? He's really become such a sweet and caring man. He is so loveable..truly! I enabled him last night....paid for all the tickets AND a room for the night. I don't care. It's Christmas. Period.

Being alive....truly alive. I never knew it. I didn't think I wanted it. I was terrified of it!
I use to think that the Holidays were only about food. That's because that's all I could think about, and it was what I most feared. I would focus on 'just getting through it'....'survive this one, and it will be over'.....wishing time away.
I wished away over half of my life due to fear.
What have I learned? I WANT TO LIVE! I am experiencing life and I am not afraid!
Recovery has given me a new set of eyes, a new perspective on the world and my life. I look at experiences as just that-experiences-and I don't find myself 'just getting through', but living every moment for what it has to offer. Some moments don't offer much, or what I may experience is pain, grief, or sadness. Those moments have to happen, or else the moments of joy and true peace could never exist. Every other statement is not "I'm sorry", because I have learned to accept who I am, without apology.....HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

Challenges/Triggers-Stepping Stones to Recovery?

2009-12-11T13:28:00.000-08:00

The title may seem odd, but it fits with my stream of thought at the moment...so why not? Among my on line 'sisters', there has been a lot of talk about 'triggers'. Do you try to avoid them or remove them from your life? If you think about it, 'triggers' are simply people, situations, advertisements, or statements that may cause us to feel the urge to act out in an eating disordered way. They are all part of LIFE. Unless you want to avoid living, which for me, is exactly why I LOVE being recovered....I AM living, you have to learn to deal with 'triggers' and decrease the power they may have once had over you.
I see a big similarity between challenges in recovery and triggers in everyday life. In fact, can't you pretty much interchange those two words in my statement?
The challenges in recovery are many. It comes down to NOT hiding from your fears, and facing them, doing whatever is required to take that next step. Each time you don't back down, you take power from your fear and the eating disorder, which you can use to take once again, that next step forward. How is this similar to dealing with 'triggers'?
When faced with what usually triggers you to have a symptom or put yourself down, which then may lead to self-harm or a symptom, the test is to not react, but to act, in the opposite direction. Think about how you can use the knowledge of how this affects you to change how it affects you. I am a firm believer that knowledge is power. Once you have knowledge, if you choose not to use it, you have no excuse. Along with this, once you are aware of what may 'trigger' unhealthy thoughts or behaviors, you can use this awareness as power to resist those past responses. This is much like ammunition against the eating disorder, and for recovery. You get to decide how you will use this ammunition...as a stepping stone to recovery, or as a step back into the prison of the eating disorder.
Knowledge of what my trigger you may be what saves you. Not because you avoid it, but because you learn how to arm yourself and not allow it to control you. Avoiding would be just what was accomplished by the eating disorder. How well does that work?
As with recovery challenges, if you never challenge those rules you had/have about eating, would you ever be free? Would you ever be recovered? Why settle for partial recovery, with a 50% chance of relapse?
NEVER GIVE UP!! FULL RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE!! Without apology.....

Leap of Faith

2009-12-03T05:27:00.000-08:00

I love this picture! I took it on our vacation this past September during our tour around the San Diego Zoo. Talk about perfect timing!! This beautiful beast was posed and ready to take a dive just as the tour bus we were riding in was passing....in the two seconds following this moment, he took the plunge, diving head first, deep into the water....what a show!! These are the experiences that I cherish as I live my days as a recovered person. While I was sick, being at the Zoo, having this opportunity to witness such a thing would never have interested me. I had no strength or energy to focus or feel.
I found during my treatment and true recovery that there were several moments at which I had to take that 'leap of faith' in order to move forward. I had to trust that what was ahead would be better. It required faith that the outcome would be better, or at least not worse than what I had been, and was experiencing. Bottom line, a change had to occur, and because my own decisions about recovery or staying sick had not worked, I had to do things that were uncertain and very frightening.
As I said, I knew that MY decisions had not gotten me anywhere, so it became a matter of trust...trust that the professionals knew more than I did about what I needed. That was a hard one for a person who had somehow, in my mind, maintained control for many many years. During that time I thought I was staving off what I perceived to be the worst possible consequences. But truth be told, my 'control' only kept me sick for over 35 years. What I know now I did not know then, obviously.
This brings to mind something not related, but yet, possibly related...
From a young age I was terrified to do a somersault..yeah, a forward roll, as it was referred to in gym class. I would get in position, but I could never get past the fear of taking that 'leap of faith'. I do not know to this day what I was afraid of, but I was 27 years old before my husband then took me by surprise and pushed me on over. I almost hyperventilated. Yet, I felt a certain degree of success, like I had conquered some great obstacle. Yet, I have never done it again. I have no reason to. It's not important.
During recovery, many times I had to 'trust' others and eat enough to gain weight. I had to allow tubes to pump liquid feedings into my body. These were my earlier attempts at recovery. I realize now that I never really trusted, and my many efforts at manipulation are evidence of that. I never really took that 'leap of faith' to continue to pursue the truths for my life.
Coming to River Centre Clinic in January of 2002, on my own, against the 'best' wishes of my husband and family was a huge leap of faith, but more than that, it was a desperate attempt to save my own life. Yet still, I faced many more moments when I had to take that 'leap' once again. Accepting that I had to trust the professionals with decisions about food and weight, etc., took a leap of faith, and there were days when I felt like I had leaped beyond 'safety', but I always survived. Another quite drastic, but life-saving 'leap' was my decision to divorce my husband of over 29 years. This was, what I believe the true beginning of freedom from my eating disorder, not because this man had caused it, but because the only thing holding our marriage together was my eating disorder...and vice verse.
Relationships....open and honest...revealing myself, without apology (I so love that phrase!!)....another very frightening, but so rewarding in the end, leap of faith. I was certain that I would never be accepted, that I had nothing to offer to anyone, that I would never 'measure up'. What I found was that with every 'leap' I took, my confidence increased, and I was stronger and ready to face the next 'leap'.
Today, as I strive to face life 'without apology' and with anticipation instead of fear, I often take the 'leap', because I now have a passion for life, and total intent to live my life fully, without fear.

Basic Training

2009-11-30T14:12:00.000-08:00

What causes a person to develop an eating disorder? Many factors may be involved in the development of an eating disorder, some being genetic/biological, and some being environmental/cultural. Dieting is the number one factor that may contribute to the development of an eating disorder. Weight loss in general is the dangerous component in this scenario. For every person there is a point where their body will shift into 'starvation mode' due to lack of nutrition. When this happens. the likelihood that an eating disorder will result is very high. The state of 'starvation' causes a person to become more anxious, obsessive in thought and action, fearful and cognition may be greatly impaired. All of these play right into the rigidity and fears of the eating disorder mindset.
There are also certain personality characteristics that may exist before the development of an eating disorder, but that may become more intense with starvation. These include perfectionism, obsessiveness, depression, anxiety, a need for order and/or control, fears of change, and perhaps the most common, low self-esteem.
People who are suffering with an eating disorder often display certain other common characteristics, some of which include, fear of failure, suppression of emotions, or an extreme desire to please.
It's not always clear if these characteristics are present before the onset of an eating disorder, or if they may be the result of the development of the eating disorder. Nevertheless, because of these numerous and complex accompanying 'properties', treatment for an eating disorder must be unique to each individual and complete.
There are certain environmental factors that may also contribute to the onset of an eating disorder. These may include a history of being teased about shape or size, growing up in a controlled environment with little choice allowed, physical, emotional or sexual abuse, trauma (which includes abuse), pressure to perform, little or not emotional expression allowed, or if there is dieting behavior in the family, i.e. mother has an eating disorder or is excessively weight conscious.
Much can be said for the powerful effects that the dieting industry has on society's weight obsession. This in itself is a factor that may contribute to the onset of an eating disorder, but even more, it is likely to play a role in the maintenance of the eating disorder, especially if treatment is not sought.

HOW DO I DO IT??

2009-11-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

So, I'm being asked this question more and more often these days. My daily life basically revolves around communication with those who are suffering with an eating disorder, in recovery, and researching articles and situations in society that involve or relate to eating disorders. How do I do it?
The question is not how I DO it, but how am I able to walk, talk, write and read about eating disorders almost 24/7 and not be triggered?
Even a year and a half ago I probably couldn't have. The groundwork started being laid many years ago, maybe before I even realized it.
Being a caretaker at heart, then becoming a nurse, was like water and fertilizer to that invisible seed. I naturally want to help, provide answers, education and support to those who are suffering. But I never could envision that I could be instrumental in the area of eating disorders until I knew I was REALLY going to recover. I knew that even before it happened. I knew I would recover when I was told it was possible. I knew I would recover when a professional looked me in the eye and told me it could happen. Because at that time, at age 45, I knew I had survived to that point for some reason. Had I not been a fighter, a survivor, I would have succumbed to my disorder by that time.
How do I do it?
My body and brain are now well fed. Therefore, my thoughts about eating and food are not irrational or distorted. I don't adhere to my own (or anyone else's) established 'food religion' anymore. My emotional state is not linked to how I feed myself.
I am not triggered because those old thought patterns are no longer deep ruts in my brain matter. They have been filled in with FOOD and a lot of self-respect and acceptance.
The 'things' that use to be triggering for me are no longer because I am no longer looking for validation from external forces or by proving myself. I now have the tools I need to survive. I am not on a search for the unknown any longer.
Does this mean my life is perfect? Not at all. What is perfect?
But it does mean that I know that whatever happens in my life I will survive. I have tools and people in my life who I know will be there for me. I know I am not alone with anything that may happen. I have chosen not to life a solitary lonely life.
I am not perfect. I make mistakes. What a relief to not have to live up to someone else's 'expectations'.....the beauty of not having an eating disorder anymore!!
That's how I do it...........

Tips For The Holidays

2009-11-19T11:47:00.000-08:00

For anyone who is dealing with an eating disorder, or who is still in recovery from one, the Holidays can be a very difficult time. Holiday time may mean spending time with family members that you may not see frequently, plus the focus on an endless variety of foods and eating traditions.
Ask yourself, what kind of Holiday do you want to have? What would you like to be different this year from in the past? Who are the people in your family or gathering who will leave you with positive and energetic feelings? Focus on how YOU can positively affect your Holiday experience!!Here are a few basic suggestions to keep in mind during the Holidays:
**Consider times and places that may cause you increased stress. Remember you can make choices about where you will go ahead of time. Stick with your plans.
**Decide on a friend or family member who can be available to you if you are feeling stressed. It's important to have a plan so that you can prevent self-destructive behaviors.
**Be sure to get enough sleep. The Holidays bring extra activities and much hustle and bustle, and if you deprive your mind and body of adequate sleep it can create an unhealthy balance and leave you less prepared to handle the added stress.
**Plan to eat three meals a day to help prevent the urge to binge or added focus on food. Stick to your 'recovery' routine as usual.
**Plan time for self-care. You need time every day, even if only 15 minutes, to regenerate and relax, and refocus on recovery. This could be seeing a movie, calling a friend, meditating, or something that you know works for you.
**Make sure that there is food available that you feel comfortable eating. The best way to do this is to offer to bring a dish that you know you are comfortable eating. The goal is to decrese your anxiety around food as much as possible.
**Allow yourself some 'treats'. Deprivation is not self-care and is more likely to lead to resentment, binges or further restriction. Being judgmental of yourself for allowing yourself to eat some 'different' foods is only detrimental to your feelings about yourself and your recovery.
**Think about any boundaries that you may need to set with others...including food boundaries. If someone makes a comment about your weight or what you are eating, you can kindly reply with thanks for their concern, and assurance to them that you are taking care of yourself. If someone persists, you have every right to remove yourself from the situation or ignore them.
**Use positive self-talk. Remind yourself that you are in control of your choices, that you have the right to say 'no', that you are honoring your recovery by making a certain choice, and that you do NOT have to be perfect!!Follow up each day with a gratitude list for the things you are grateful for, including YOU!!
**Enjoy yourself! Step back and look at the bigger picture. Take time to enjoy your family and the essence of the Holiday season. Try to create memories and special moments instead of wishing things were different.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

Friday the 13th

2009-11-13T12:33:00.000-08:00

It's been a great day. I am not a superstitious person, but I do cringe when I realize that it's 'that day' again. Human reaction, I suppose.
I like to write things here that are informative, educational or helpful in some way. Today I just want to share.
I was more nervous about talking to students today than I was the first time. But it didn't last long. The school was much smaller, so the group of students was also smaller, and more 'intimate'. I want to present as credible, but also as someone who can identify with the students. I believe that I can. My involvement with Challenge Day and my support to the adolescents at River Centre while I was in treatment, combined, has given me some added insight that otherwise I wouldn't have. I really like those teens...especially before they reach 17 or so.
I realized today while driving home that I want more opportunities to speak to those who are in treatment. I would like to be able to show them that recovery is really a possibility, and reality.
The students in the schools are a great audience, but because the majority of them have never dealt with an eating disorder (thankfully!), I don't think they can comprehend the perspective I come from. That's OK. It's still worth my effort to try to touch at least one young person who may be struggling.
As I have said and written before, I believe my illness would have ended sooner had I been given the message that recovery is possible. If even one person had thought to tell me that I COULD recover, or that they believed in ME, it might have made a difference. That is why this is so important to me.
I continue to plant seeds every day. I am not in control of their growth, only to harvest if they produce. I am thankful that my days are full of various responsibilities. God willing, I will be ready when the harvest is ripe.
I need a couple of days to 'be broccoli'......

Are you DOing or BEing??

2009-11-05T06:43:00.000-08:00

For many people who have suffered from an eating disorder, or who are by nature, more anxious, somewhat obsessive, or perhaps have a tendency to be perfectionistic, their success (in their minds) may be directly linked to their daily accomplishments.
I know very well what it means to evaluate my worth by the quality and quantity of what I DO, how much I accomplish, or how well I perform. I have spent most of my life striving to be 'good enough', which translated into constant efforts to please other people through performance, and as a full blown attempt to make my body 'perfect', which nearly killed me. My days were spent always DOing, always searching for acts which would prove that I am acceptable.
Now that I am fully recovered from my pattern of disordered eating and self-deprecation in numerous other ways, I am much more focused on BEing, and actively living my life fully every day. I embrace every opportunity to be present for new experiences, and I look for ways to learn more about who I am. This doesn't frighten me anymore.
Of course, I still take pride in my accomplishments, but my value is not based on how much or how well I perform.
Changing my focus has brought new peace to my life. I am now able to determine if my efforts to achieve are based on what brings me joy, and if I am allowing myself to be fully present in my daily life.
I am choosing to BE today, alive and well, instead of hanging my head in consternation, in an endless and fruitless attempt to DO my way through life.
Are YOU DOing or BEing??

Fund Raising Event

2009-11-02T06:02:00.000-08:00

The following information is in regard to a panel discussion on eating disorder recovery and an AED fundraising event that may be of interest to those of you from the Michigan area in the U.S.
Panel discussion: "Surviving an Eating Disorder: From Recognition to Recovery"
Featured speakers: Kirsten Haglund, 2008 Miss America
Kirsten's mother, Iora Haglund
Activist, Donna Friedman
Panel chair: Judith Banker, MA,LLP,FAED
Executive Director, Center for Eating Disorders
Immediate Past President, AED
This panel discussion seeks to raise eating disorders awareness, offer hope for recovery, and provide
useful tools for families and professionals. Kirsten Haglund and Donna Friedman will share their personal stories of recovery. Iora Haglund will discuss her experience as the mother of a teen with anorexia, including her ideas about how families can help. Panel chair, Judith Banker, will provide a brief overview of the etiology and current treatment of eating disorders. Q and A to follow.
Date/Time: Monday, November 9, 7-8:30 p.m.
Meet-the-Speakers Fundraising Reception to follow to raise funds to support the work of
the Academy for Eating Disorders
Location: Ellen Thompson Women's Health Center
St.Joseph Mercy Hospital
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Space limited. To pre-register: 734-668-8585 or info@center4ed.org

Magical Thinking?

2009-10-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to control your world to the point of avoiding all things frightening and spontaneous? For anyone who has or has ever had an eating disorder, they will know all about the magnanimous effort it takes to attempt to do this. Often, a person who is suffering from an eating disorder, or one who suffers from OCD, obsessiveness, or anxiety, will also develop a certain pattern of thinking, in an attempt to find a solution for their life that feels safe. Because all of these disorders or conditions involve an attempt to avoid discomfort or pain, the aspect of 'magical thinking' may occur with all.
Think about the rules and rituals that often accompany an eating disorder. We feel a desperate need to ALWAYS do certain things, and NEVER do other certain things. I believe it all comes back to a need for certainty and an attempt to control our environment....an avoidance of harm or pain. We truly believe that by following a certain routine, using a special spoon or plate, cutting our food into certain sized pieces, chewing each bite a certain number of times, etc., we can prevent pain or harm from coming our way.
BLACK AND WHITE THINKING.
If you think about it, it's very dichotomous. On the one hand, we feel unworthy, weak, incapable, bad, or any number of other negative labels.
But...for some reason, we feel almost superior in our ability to control our environment to the point of controlling destiny.
If we do this, that will happen (or won't happen). If we don't do this, that won't happen (or will happen). It's a maddening way to live, and it keeps one totally imprisoned. There is only one way in our minds when this takes over. Our way. But the reality is, our way is slowly killing us.
Magical thinking?
Today, for me, magical thinking is simple. There is no perfect, so I don't have to be perfect. That's pretty magical to me! I can't control what happens in this world, but I can choose to live each day to the fullest, and to take the best possible care of myself along the way. When I look at my husband, the love I feel is magical. Being able to cry is magical, as it also allows me to laugh and sing.
I'm not running away anymore!!

My Armour

2009-10-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

How can I protect my heart and my soul from the pain and grief associated with my memories? My 'former' life? I can't just cut my family out of my life, nor do I want to. I can't pretend those years never passed, or the painful memories never happened. How did I survive as long as I did? And why?
Going back to my small hometown was hard this past weekend. Seeing Matt living out of a motel room breaks my heart, yet I know it's not my fault. No job, no driver's license or car. I can't help him at this point. I bought him groceries.
I saw and talked to Andy's Mom. Andy shot and killed my youngest son eight and a half years ago. It was an accident. Andy is struggling emotionally with his memories and grief. We cried. My instinct to comfort was totally off balance. How can I possibly reach out to this young man? How? Why?
I went to the county High School and picked up a 2002 Yearbook that someone had donated to me. It contains a memorial page with pictures of Tim from age three, up to ten days before his death. I cried. My heart hurt, as it hurts now. I will always be aware of a hole in my heart just as Tim suffered.
The hard fact is there is no 'protection' from my memories. The truth is I don't want them to be erased. I am now able to embrace my 'former' life, as well as the life I live now. I have accepted that THIS is my life. I am who I am because of both my 'former' life and the life I live today.
The pain and grief that accompany my memories parallel the joys and love that I experience every day. They are all a part of ME. I am in love with Dave. I live my life with no apology. I embrace the opportunities that life now hands me, and I accept the responsibilities that sometimes cause me anger or resentment. I would not know what to change if I could. I tried that for years, and it only caused me illness.
How did I survive for all those years? Not for me to figure out. Why? Does it matter?
What matters is that I am alive and I want TODAY to count, for myself and everyone else in my life.
My armour is my awareness, my health and my willingness to continue to learn and grow.
I am thankful.

Many things to share...

2009-10-16T05:36:00.000-07:00

I'm about to leave for a drive down to see the family, with a small detour to 'meet' my newest great-nephew on the way. Very excited about that! There are many things I'd like to write about, so for this moment, I will share a 'preview'. For any of you who happen to read my rambling writings, I am quite passionate about sharing facts and information about the dangers and the myths that are believed about eating disorders. Some of the things I want to elaborate more about are: Weight is genetically determined....when we try to 'make it' what we want or what we think is our 'healthy' weight, we are likely to either end up with a deadly eating disorder, or at a much higher set point weight than ever before. You can't mess with biology! We are led to believe that we CAN pick 'our' weight, and we will be happy and healthier forever. It's not true, and that belief has killed many women and men in their attempt to achieve that. Can we change our height? Can we change our genetic make-up in other ways? No.
Also, how did our society become so obsessed with proving our worth by external evaluation? Perfection? Perfection itself is a fallacy. How can be begin to help ourselves, our children, our friends, to change the ways that we determine or base our worth? Society fights any attempts to look internally, but it is possible. It's all about focusing on developing those genetic characteristics, our talents, our values, and our personalities in such a way that we can embrace those things as who we are..not what we weigh, what size we wear, or if we are able to make straight As. What are we sacrificing in our lives in an attempt to achieve some impossible perfection? Freedom from this trap is possible. Recovery from eating disorders is possible. What do YOU value about yourself and about your life? Think about it....more on this later....Namaste

Why So Ashamed?

2009-10-08T16:51:00.000-07:00

Why are so many people ashamed of who they are? Where does the shame originate for a person who is suffering from an eating disorder? What is it about society today that causes so many people to question who they are, and if they are 'good enough'? Everyone has an opinion. But it goes further than that. Society seems to imply that there is a 'stamp of approval' that we all must meet in order to be acceptable members of society.
This pressure is especially damaging for those who are already sensitive to the opinions of others, and is sometimes noted to be a factor in the development of an eating disorder. This sensitivity, along with other factors, is also what causes such an intense fear among those suffering to reach out for help. What is this fear all about? Again, it comes directly back to the judgments of society and the criticisms of those who are different or unique.
When I first developed anorexia about forty years ago, I consider it an advantage in this respect that not much of an opinion had been formed about eating disorders...they were virtually unknown. When I found out that I had an illness, I had no fear of seeking help, there just wasn't good treatment available.
Today, because of common views of much of society about eating disorders, those who are suffering are often seen as defiant, selfish, attention seeking, and just not caring for themselves. This couldn't be further from the truth. Or, for some who are suffering, there is pride, and a sense of accomplishment for being stronger than others because they don't 'need' food, which also appears as 'virtuous', which is not at all factual.
Eating disorders can be fatal. People can and do die from eating disorders. Anyone who is suffering from an eating disorder needs to know that with the proper kind of treatment, recovery is possible. You can't get help if you don't reach out and ask for it.
My recovery truly began in 2002. Until that time, the treatment that I had received was not based on research, facts or scientific models. I found during my recovery that my worst fears did not come to fruition when I challenged them. I expected rejection from others when I opened up to them, but I found support, and openness on their part as well. I was told for the first time in all my years of illness that recovery was possible! The staff at the River Centre Clinic ( http://www.river-centre.org/ ) told me there was hope. I had never been given that.
If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, the least important thing is that others understand. The most important is that you (or they) get the best help possible, and as quickly as possible. I found from experience that even if the people that you want to understand don't, in time, when they see that you are recovering and starting to reclaim your life, it won't matter any more. You deserve to live, and you deserve to be free!! No shame. Please step forward and seek the help you need! Namaste

Reflective Vacation

2009-10-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

A week ago tomorrow morning, we left for the airport to fly to Las Vegas. How can you predetermine what a vacation will be like? You can't, but we both knew FOR SURE that we needed some time away together. Ahh....
I began this vacation tired. Tired of the daily responsibilities of life, and tired of preparing for time away. Why does that happen? Yet, I was excited to be getting away for a change of pace and some time with just Dave. Ahh....
We are sitting in the airport, and I see this young man...he's probably 16 or 17, dark-haired, tall, with those ruddy-looking cheeks I remember so well....just like Tim. My eyes welled up, and I tried to distract myself. He's on our flight.
I was finishing a book about a young girl with a congenital disease. Her Mother fought hard and sacrificed her entire family's happiness to gain support and financial help for her...only to have the girl die a year later by accidentally drowning in a nearby pond. Tragic. I sobbed...for Tim. Why couldn't he be with me, going on vacation, growing up to laugh, fall in love, and continue to be his special silly self? And Matt, sitting in jail, none of us knowing his future.
Is it OK for ME to be happy? To laugh? To fall in love? To be silly? Why did my boys have to miss out because I was sick? No answer. Life isn't fair.
We arrived in Las Vegas, hurry down to claim our luggage, and there he is. Standing with his parents. My eyes are filling with tears. What would he do if I ran up and hugged him? I would probably be arrested. So I cry. Why are my emotions so 'right here' when we are beginning our vacation?
We were in Las Vegas for three nights. We had a wonderful time, laughing, loving and enjoying our time away. We had the lunch buffet at the Mirage. Hundreds of foods to choose from. I loved it, and could never have done it even two years ago. No fear. Ahh...
I continued to think often of my boys and wish I could take them both on vacation. Maybe I can take Matt someplace, I only hope that Tim knows my heart. He does.
Driving to San Diego I am enthralled at the beauty of our Earth, and I am filled with gratitude for the life I have been given, for the love I feel for Dave, for my health, and for the wonderful friends I have.
San Diego. The Zoo. The beauty of the foliage nearly made me high. I took more pictures of flower blossoms than I did of animals. I loved every moment. Why did it take so long for me to come alive?
I see all the little children, and I regret that I missed those moments with my boys. Pregnant women. An impossible dream that is forever past. If I controlled the Universe, I would be pregnant and give birth to a daughter. But I don't, and I won't.
Combing the beaches and climbing the rocks along the shore. Another gift of recovery. True amazement at the beauty of life and this Earth. I have strength. I can climb. I smile a LOT!! Ahh...
Tonight we are going out for some fresh seafood and our last night in San Diego. Matt was released from jail on Thursday. The facility is overcrowded. What a strange world. I want to take him someplace magical for a vacation. Ahh...
We have today. No guarantees beyond this moment. What am I waiting for?
Ahh......

Do I Expect Too Much??

2009-09-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

I've been very frustrated lately. While I know that my expectations for myself are still too high sometimes, I'm much nicer to myself than I use to be...:)
My house isn't spotless, and I kind of like that I can (do) still use the excuse that I 'just' had back surgery (two months ago) to put off doing housework....very different for me.
Me...the person who would follow a 'schedule' no matter what....no matter WHO was sick, including myself, no matter how much pain I was in, no matter ANYTHING, if I didn't clean my house, blah blah blah....WHAT?? I guess I had nothing else to cling to....no other way to feel safe..although I wasn't.
So now I have no clue when I plan to 'clean'. My house isn't dirty. I'm still anal about clutter, but a little dust, some pretty cat hair...so what?
Now what was I saying....?
I'm very frustrated at the moment with people who say they will do something, then just don't do it. Please don't commit to doing something if you aren't going to do it. And if you do, and something happens that prevents you from doing it, then TELL ME! Especially when there are third parties to consider...you know?
Of course I go back to "if you want something done (right), then you have to do it yourself".
For most of my life, I was just too stubborn to ask for help. Or I thought no one could do it 'good enough' (including myself), so of course I just never asked. That section in Nursing School about 'delegating'? Forget it.....
So DO I expect too much? I don't think so. I don't ask much of others. I know when I am thinking critically towards someone, it's usually a criticism of myself....I get that now.
I don't approach very many situations in my life with 'expectations'....huh. I can thank 'the love of my life' for that....what a man....hey, married three years today....WOOHOO!!
I expect to be treated with respect. I expect to be free to speak my voice. I expect that I will treated in like as I treat others....old fashioned? I don't think so.
Yeah...I'm frustrated that my life is narrowed in some ways due to present circumstances. I DO love my Mother-in-Law!! I WILL NOT regret this when I look back years from now...assuming that I am able to do that.
More than that, I know that I allow things to fester more than I should before I release them....THEN I SCREAM!!
So, yeah, I probably take on more than I 'should' sometimes, but who else can I count on...:)

River Centre Clinic

2009-09-16T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hands down...the River Centre Clinic saved my life. When I write that, I include every single staff person, including doctors, therapists, kitchen staff, program directors, office personnel, and every single one of the women I had the pleasure of being in treatment with. RCC is located in Sylvania, OH...which is actually right alongside the great city (a city is only as good as the people who occupy it, right?) of Toledo, OH...:) During my long battle with my eating disorder, I was in and out of many various types of treatment, including hospitals, psych wards, and specific ED treatment facilities. People ask me how I finally did it. Hmmm...I can't say it was ONE thing, but I do believe it was ONE place...RCC. I do believe that my previous treatment experiences were absolutely necessary, for negative and positive reasons, in order for me to end up at the door of RCC on January 21, 2002, desperate to find my path to life. My 'story' exists in other posts on this Blog, so I won't repeat myself. There were many aspects of my treatment at RCC that made it possible for me to fully recover, but the first and most important thing that I was given was HOPE. I had never been told that someone believed I could recover. Many people had given up on me..including myself. There were other aspects of my treatment at RCC that were unique, including....the scientifically-based treatment model that was used, which allowed me to utilize my obsessive mindset to propel me toward recovery....rigid meal planning...personalized therapy and treatment plans....a carefully planned aftercare plan for prevention relapse...their attention to the continuum of care, beyond the PHP program.....the constant focus on the development of MY identity....outside and without an eating disorder...and something that I never considered important-developing a support system by forming healthy and honest relationships. My recovery didn't happen quickly...but it has certainly become COMPLETE!! The most amazing thing for me now is to wake up and not feel fear. I had lived my life in fear before recovery. I have an amazing ability to LOVE, and I love laughing and being totally and completely silly! I now think a lot about TODAY, and what is important RIGHT NOW. After all, do any of us really know that we have tomorrow? I have seen many adolscents, young women and middle age women find hope and health through their treatment at the River Centre Clinic. Check it out at http://www.river-centre.org/ !!!

NEDA Conference

2009-09-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

I had an amazing experience last weekend in Minneapolis at the National Eating Disorder Conference! It was truly an honor to be able to meet and share with some of the experts in the field of treatment and research of eating disorders. Not only did I learn a great deal, but this experience has expanded my vision for my own work in this field. I ask myself daily, "how can I make a difference"?
The Conference also allowed me to meet some amazing women who have also recovered from their eating disorders. ALWAYS REMEMBER FULL RECOVERY IS A REAL POSSIBILITY...A REALITY!! I met a very genuine, caring young woman named Jenni Shaefer. She is fully recovered from an eating disorder, and has written two books. I highly recommend that anyone with ANY interest or concerns about eating disorders read her books!! She also speaks all over the country, and works especially with students on college campuses. Way to go Jenni!! I came home with a lot of information, and some additional ideas about my own path as I strive to support others in recovery. I'm trying to figure out how to add more hours to my day! Since it isn't possible in the literal sense, I have to decide how I can manage that in terms of balancing my personal life..which is an important goal for anyone in recovery. More to come soon...:)

ED-NOS a REAL Eating Disorder?

2009-09-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

Anorexia nervosa and Bulimia nervosa are the two most common diagnoses given for someone who is suffering from an eating disorder. If a person is struggling with eating disorder thoughts, feelings or behaviors, but does not have all the symptoms of anorexia or bulimia, that person may be diagnosed with eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS).

Some known examples of EDNOS include:

1. Despite having regular menses, all of the criteria for anorexia nervosa are met.
2. Despite substantial weight loss, the individual's current weight is in the normal range.
3. Binging may occur, but at a frequency of less than twice a week or for a duration of less than 3 months.
4. A normal body weight is maintained, but inappropriate compensatory behavior after eating small amounts of food (such as purging after the consumption of two cookies) is seen.
5. Repeatedly chewing and spitting, but not swallowing, large amounts of food.
6. Recurrent episodes of binge eating in the absence of the regular use of inappropriate compensatory behaviors characteristic of Bulimia Nervosa.
The “not otherwise specified” label often suggests to people that these disorders are not as important, as serious, or as common as anorexia or bulimia nervosa. This is not true. Far more individuals suffer from EDNOS than from bulimia and anorexia combined, and the risks associated with having EDNOS are often just as profound as with anorexia or bulimia because many people with EDNOS engage in the same risky, damaging behaviors seen in other eating disorders.

Often, people categorized as having ED-NOS are basically anorexic or bulimic, but cannot be classified as such because of a technicality. Obviously, ED-NOS can very easily lead to a diagnosis of one of the two other clinical eating disorders. Some sources point to as many as 50% of eating disorder cases being diagnosed as ED-NOS.
In the meantime, if you mention "ED-NOS" to most laypeople, they will not have a clue what you are talking about. While anorexia and bulimia get all the publicity, people diagnosed as NOS are often left in the shadows. They may look at the criteria for anorexia and bulimia and feel puzzled. They know something is "off" about their eating habits, but feel invalidated because nothing out there tells them that what they have is in fact an eating disorder. Invalidation, usually unintentional, may also come from family or friends. (The person who has lost fifty pounds by starving themselves but is still overweight will more likely get praise from loved ones rather than concern, for example.)
Even though ED-NOS may not get quite as much publicity as its more infamous "cousins," it is important to remember that ANY eating disorder has the potential to be lethal. In the long term, it's not the label that matters; it's the PERSON. And a person diagnosed with ED-NOS deserves just as much care, consideration, and support as any other eating disordered patient.

Order-->Chaos-->New Order

2009-08-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

This can apply to many different situations in life, but because my experience with this concept was related to my recovery from anorexia, I am posting it here.

ORDER-->

This is your 'COMFORT ZONE'. Everyday is more of the same. It's FAMILIAR (safe). But it's NOT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT, and you NEVER feel 'GOOD ENOUGH'...thin enough...etc.

CHAOS-->

Your FEAR increases as you things begin to CHANGE. In recovery you are changing the way you eat, the way you think about eating, and your body may also be changing dramatically. This is a very UNCOMFORTABLE place to be. You probably feel OUT OF CONTROL. Your life is CHAOTIC. When you look ahead, you only see THE UNKNOWN. All of this combines to create INCREASED ANXIETY.

NEW ORDER-->

This is always a BETTER PLACE. You FEEL A LOT BETTER. You are finding that your life contains NEW COMFORT ZONES. You are creating NEW NEUROLOGICAL PATHWAYS as you change the way you are thinking about food, weight, and your life in general. You are realizing an INCREASED SELF-AWARENESS. When you stop...LOOKING BACK..IT IS WORTH GOING THROUGH THE CHAOS.

"Your pain is the breaking point of the shell that encloses your understanding."
-Kahlil Gibran
The Prophet

»

Preventive Education or Tips on Becoming Sicker?

2009-08-13T12:21:00.000-07:00

It's a tricky issue when it comes to considering a presentation to a certain population, such as Middle/High School students or young adults,
about the signs, symptoms and dangers of eating disorders. This population is a very vulnerable one, where
they are already likely searching for their purpose and personal identity. Some may even already
have, or be at the beginning stages of an eating disorder. While there is a sincere effort being made to
warn and educate these people about the negative affects of an eating disorder, it is very easy
for this to become a "teaching lesson" about how to engage in even more eating disorder behavior, without
realizing or being able to understand the real dangers. The lure of losing weight, having control, and
even just being noticed, can sometimes only be enhanced by the information being presented.
It can be especially harmful when specific numbers, such as low weights, low caloric intake, or
amount of time spent over-exercising are mentioned, because there is a factor of competitiveness in eating
disorders that very often becomes a triggering factor.
While there is a need for awareness among this population for factual information for
preventive purposes, it must be approached with caution and the availability for follow-up
consultation for those who may need support.

WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG??

2009-08-05T07:17:00.000-07:00

As I've connected with more and more people who are struggling with an eating disorder, and/or working to find their way to recovery, I hear the question above asked over and over, whether literally, or expressed in their words of pain as they try to understand the steps they need to take to be recovered. There is no one answer. I have asked myself the same question time and time again over the past 40 years. I often wondered, as I felt like I was being swallowed up by the prison of anorexia, "can't there just be a pill that I could take that would make it all go away?".
There are countless factors involved in each person's recovery from their particular eating disorder. Because eating disorders are NOT truly about food, it all comes down to what issues in each person's life need to be addressed in order to find the key to recovery.
The one common element that comes into play is first of all to stabilize your eating, and restore your weight to what is normal for your genetic make-up. The time it takes for this varies dramaatically, depending on what condition your body is in when you begin treatment or recovery.
Going back a bit....many times a person, including myself, will go through multiple recovery attempts, which adds up to years of failed attempts. This adds to both the frustration, and also the complexity of the eating disorder.....which means only more time added to recovery.
After the person's physical status is stabilized, then the emotional work begins. Some common emotional factors that may be contributing to the maintenance of an eating disorder are past (or present)abuse/trauma..including incest, obsessional thinking, the need for control and certainty, grief issues, anxiety, suppressed emotional expression, lack of a clear personal identity without an ED, fear of rejection or criticism, society's emphasis on physical perfection, plus many more possibilities.
Working through any of these issues, or sometimes several together, takes time. If these issues are not addressed in treatment, the likelihood of relapse is very high becsuse the sources have not been dealt with. I like the comparison of recovery to the process of peeling an onion...layers and layers that must be uncovered. It's usually a very painful process.
You can't ignore that compliance with treatment is a huge factor in the time it takes to recover. For me, I repeatedly went in and out of the hospital, into treatment, then I would relapse again. An eating disorder has a way of causing a kind of push/pull between patients and professionals. For me, I did want help, but when someone tried to offer it, or tell me what I needed to do, I would automatically begin to lie and hide food, and do everything I could to fight against it. It was because of my extreme fears, confusion, and I know now, inappropriate treatment efforts.
The final and probably most important point that I'd like to make has to do with how important it is to have an iron-clad follow-up plan in place for a significant amount of time, in order to keep a present accountability factor in place to watch for even that small signal that a relapse could occur.
It's safe to say that the longer that a person has had their ED, the longer it will likely take for that person to fully recover. The ED messages and behaviors become so ingrained into a person's life....that when changes begin to be made, it takes a lot of hard work and time to change your lifestyle and habits. You truly do have to transplant a new healthy identity into the empty space left behind by an eating disorder.

A Different "Recovery"

2009-07-27T08:21:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a bit of a blur, after undergoing spinal fusion surgery exactly one week ago today. Trying to manage pain, adjust to basically not doing anything (for now), and fighting with those perfectionistic/control issues I have about managing my household in a certain way....I'm finally feeling more "normal", whatever that is. I guess you could say I am in recovery..again...but definitely much different from eating disorder recovery!! I had several people ask me before this surgery if I was concerned about how it might affect my ED recovery. I really had none, and still don't.....YAY!! My previous surgery, right about three years ago, directly involved my stomach, so I was NPO (nothing by mouth) for five entire days. I was already struggling a bit with the beginning of a relapse before that surgery, and being unable to eat or drink for five days set me up royally for a total relapse. It was horrible.

But going into this surgery, I knew I would be OK. I know where my mind is, and while I may always be vulnerable, I don't feel fragile at all. So this past week has been painful, but that's expected. I'm now in less pain, moving better, and today I decided to put my contacts in for the first time in a week, and a little make-up. So I know I am feeling better. In terms of eating...the first few days were hard because I had no appetite, and had off/on nausea, perhaps from the pain medication..not sure. But I ate anyway, and I continued to choose foods and drinks that were higher in calories, so I won't fall back. Example...using a Bagel to make a sandwich gives me twice as many calories as using bread or a bun...kind of reverse dieting....:). I always drink whole milk, so I have made sure I am drinking at least two full cups of that per day...plus plenty of other juices, etc.

The pain medication that I am taking, as most, causes constipation, so I have had to deal with that. My head (thoughts) are truly fine with it, and I'm surprisingly NOT uncomfortable physically....??? I just keep eating things that I know usually keep me regular, and the recommended stool softener (NEVER laxatives), and I trust that it will all work out..no pun intended!!

So far, this experience has been one more affirmation to me that my dedication is grounded for continued recovery. The "critters" that have so often stayed in the background, waiting to pounce on me during my weaker moments, are no longer there!!

I'm looking forward to many exciting opportunities in the next couple of months, and I'm beginning to believe that I will feel GREAT and be able to participate and enjoy them 100%!!

A Weekend In Recovery

2009-07-14T17:34:00.000-07:00

So, what is it like to be free from and recovered from a chronic eating disorder? My life is far too different to relate everything, but I'd like to share a bit about this past weekend. I drove down to my hometown, 325 miles away, for a GNO (Girl's Night Out) on Friday, and then I stayed until Monday morning to celebrate my Mother's birthday and visit with my family. Would I have been excited to see classmates from 35 years ago if I still had anorexia? No. I would have been embarrassed, too tired to be up after 8:30 pm, and just not interested in trying to talk to people when my brain was fried from starvation.
But I was very excited to be going!! I saw many friends from HS, plus people from my community who I think may have thought I had died. I ordered dinner without a second thought. I walked up to people and talked to them whether I was sure they knew me or not. I danced like a schoolgirl and sweat like a football player, and I had the time of my life!! The ONLY drawback was that my sweetie was back home taking care of his Mom. That's the way we have to do it right now. I wore myself out, but left with some new happy memories.
My relationship with my Mom is better than it's ever been. I'm not afraid to say what I think, even if I know she doesn't agree with me. It's OK for me to be different..to be ME....and I've found that my family actually shows me respect for standing up for myself...now. I miss my Dad. Memories of him are everywhere. I cry and move on, and focus on what a respectful, loyal man he was. That doesn't mean I always agreed with him.
I visited the cemetary where my son is buried. The Azalea I planted in April is thriving. I talked to him. I cried. I told him I love him, and I left with a picture in my head of he and my Father laughing and riding the tractor (John Deere of course!).
My siblings and I got together and celebrated my Mom's birthday...a bit early. I eat what I want....really eat....and I enjoy my brothers and sister for who they are, not for how I measure up to them. I wasn't waiting for them to leave, as has always been the case in the past. I picked green beans in the garden. I went to my brother's house that night to celebrate his wife's son's 30th birthday. But the real reason I went was to see the 7 month old twins and the 6-week old baby boy of my niece and her husband. Babies are popping out all over down there....:)
Rested more on Sunday....ate fried chicken for the third time in a row...who cares? But by Sunday night, I knew once again that I would never be able to live there again. I would smother to death. Too many memories and reminders of being sick. By the time I loaded up and started back home on Monday, I couldn't wait to get home.
I didn't count calories or meal plan while I was gone. My body is beginning to know how to care for itself. My weight has been stable for many months. I praise God that I can trust my body and mind to allow me to be healthy. But I'm not naive. I will always keep meal planning in my life to keep me stabilized. I've been through Hell, and I don't want to go back there again.

From Anorexia To Bulimia-Why Does This Happen?

2009-07-07T17:39:00.000-07:00

As I've recently been in contact with many people, dealing with many various aspects of an eating disorder, I've come to realize just how common it is for someone with anorexia to eventually evolve into bulimic behaviors. I've known this on a cognitive level, but never so much on a personal basis, such as hearing from many people, especially women, who are experiencing this. What I am hearing is a great amount of shame, especially for those who have been in treatment for anorexia and thought they had defeated their eating disorder. This is irrational, yet very understandable, given the attitude that society has towards eating disorders in general.

Statistically, approximately 50% of anorexics will develop some sort of bulimic behavior during their illness. For someone who has been weight restored, and on the path to recovery, a "relapse" into bulimic behavior can be devastating. They feel an even greater loss of control with their eating, and a desperate fear of weight gain. This can cause depression, hopelessness, and other impulsive behaviors in an attempt to numb out their fears once again. All of these things are what I hear being expressed.

The reasons for this transition from anorexia (restricting) to bulimia can be due to a couple of very logical explanations.
1) If a person is not weight restored to a point where they are no longer biologically challenged, the likelihood is greater that they will not be able to continue to suppress their intake or weight, which will eventually result in impulsive binging (and possibly purging) behaviors. This begins only one more vicious cycle that commonly causes shame and isolation.
2) Sometimes a person who has had chronic anorexia for many years, and has tried several different treatments that have "failed" (in their eyes), their body may simply not be able to continue the extreme starvation. Biology takes over, and because this person hasn't established a healthy, consistent eating routine, binging may be out of control.

A person who is in this situation often expresses hopelessness, apathy, and just simply giving up on ever being free from their disorder. If the disorder is not treated, the medical and psychological consequences of these behaviors will only increase in severity, or in some cases, a person will just give up, believing that there is no hope for them.

There is ALWAYS hope, as long as there is life!! Anyone who has suffered with an eating disorder is very strong in character, whether they realize it or not. The key is to use that strength in a positive way to fight with all they have for the freedom they deserve!!

Caretaking: Common Among People With Eating Disorders

2009-06-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

So what's so wrong with wanting to take care of people? Why is it a "bad" thing to try to make everyone around you happy? This is a common pursuit among people who have developed eating disorders, for several different reasons. One, they may have been raised to believe that at all cost, self-sacrifice for the happiness of others is the "good" thing to do. Or it may be a coping mechanism that the person has developed in order to keep the environment around them calm, in an attempt to prevent conflict. The attempt to please everyone and prove your worth fits right in with stuffing your true emotions and trying not to "rock the boat", so to speak.

I am an RN. My profession and nature is to take care of people. But for many years I did this for all the wrong reasons. It was the only way I could feel good about who I was as a person. I felt completely worthless as a person, so I thought I had to prove my worth in the things I DID, not because of who I am. I never stood up for myself, so therefore was dominated in my first marriage, and by the rules about good and bad that I heard all around me. I was actually denying who I was as a person in order to make the other people in my life approve of me. My eating disorder was a direct result of trying to do all the right things, yet resenting it, therefore those feelings came out as self-harm by not eating.

I realize now that I raised my sons in such a way that they never had a chance to learn to take care of themselves, and in adulthood, my son now struggles with taking responsibility for his own life, and his own mistakes. Rescuing him and others, turned out to be more enabling that helpful.

Now as I have recovered, and I have learned to stand up for who I am, and because I now value who I am as a person, I don't think that it's necessary for me to constantly be someone who everyone likes or who takes care of everyone around me. But, ironically, people generally DO like and respect me, and by nature, I am still a person who likes to care for others, but now it is completely from my heart, not in a vain attempt to gain acceptance. I can't even put into words the joy I feel as I reach out and support and help others in ways that I am able. I know it is genuine, and I respect myself for that.

In the last month, my dear Mother-in-Law has now become a member of our immediate household. She has significant dementia, and requires supervision for most everything she does. I have been put back into the role of the caretaker, but my perspective of this is entirely different from other times. I no longer restrict what I am eating. I take care that I keep time for myself as a priority as well as taking care of her needs. The care I provide for her is not based on trying to prove that I am "good" or worthy, it's done purely out of love for her. That's not to say that since she has moved in my life has changed. My "wings" have been clipped a bit, but I am still flying, just not in a straight line every day! I am NOT sacrificing my own needs, nor the needs of my marriage in order to care for her.

Balance is a key point in recovery, and especially when it comes to assessing your wants/needs to take care of the people around you. For me, this is just one of the many areas that I am now able to see how it enriches my life, instead of risking my life, and how much better I am for myself and others when I do take care of myself!!

SAFETY MEASURES

2009-06-23T10:03:00.003-07:00

What I mean by this term is taking the steps that each of us needs in our lives to avoid putting ourselves into situations where we might be triggered into having symptoms. "Triggers" are unique to every individual. They can relate to memories, past abuse or trauma, grief, advertisements in the media (Television, magazines, newspapers, etc.), and one the biggest...just doing your routine grocery shopping!! The diet ads and promotions for "healthy" eating or weight seem to follow us through our day. I advocate each of doing whatever we need to avoid exposure or interaction with situations or even people who may be a triggering factor in our life.

I am quite alarmed also by the vast amount of Pro-eating disorder material on the Internet. I have not researched or looked at any of these sites, but I am seeing the direct results of this propaganda. These sites promote DEATH...simply put. Some people might think that seeing actual photos of starving women or men might be helpful in turning away from an eating disorder, but it doesn't work that way.

When someone is entrenched in an eating disorder, and imprisoned by the obsessive thoughts and behaviors, the graphic pictures and advice on how to stay sick, or become sicker, is very alluring. It also provides them with excuses for why they don't need to seek help...."see, other people are like me and it's OK". This is very dangerous, and I propose that we all avoid and take any steps possible to ban these messages from our lives. Please, think about what YOU need to remain in recovery and safe from these dangerous triggers, and move forward into a life of health!!

Food Rules

2009-06-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

The mind of an anorexic is fueled by rules and restrictions as a means of control and protection. For the anorexic, life’s uncertainties and perceived fears cause great anxiety and feelings of danger and insecurity. I will relate my own experiences with this, and how it affected my life with this disease.

Losing weight and dieting was my main objective. It became my only goal, every day. From the beginning, I classified foods into two categories, either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. I set up rules in my mind about how, when and what I would allow myself to eat. My rules changed over the years, depending on society’s influence, family influence and ideas that I thought might cause more weight loss. Certain foods would suddenly fall into the bad category, if I felt a sense of danger, insecurity or a loss of control. I had certain rules about when I could eat, in what order I could eat certain foods, on certain days, even what plates, silverware and cups I could use. I had a certain order in which I would eat certain foods. Every second my actions were methodical and calculated. Rules, rigidity and absolute control played out in all other areas of my life also. I had rules, rituals, or a routine for every second of my day, and for days in advance. If at any time I broke the rules, this caused fear and extreme anxiety.

One of the rules that I set for myself from the very beginning was that I must eat differently than others. The foods had to be different, the times I ate were different, and the method in which I ate had to be different. For the entire span of my disease, my patent excuse for not eating, or for the differences in my eating was “I don’t like it”. This is a common excuse for most anorexics. Eventually, over time, I even convinced myself of that, and my list of bad foods became longer. The worst of this came the last 10 years or so of my disease, except for an 18 month period after I had been in treatment. During that time, my rules relaxed to some degree, but were never completely controlled. Within a short amount of time, what I allowed myself decreased again and the rules became even more rigid. After that time, my intake steadily decreased, and from that point on I became a virtual recluse. My days were completely planned around my eating schedule, and I allowed nothing to interfere. I missed out on my boys’ school and sporting events, family holidays and birthdays, and I had entirely no social interaction. I had to protect my ‘secret’ lifestyle, which by that time was most evident to everyone who knew me.

I took on a health food approach for some time, which played right into my need to be different. I avoided all sugars and preservatives, and I baked all my family’s bread, even to the point of grinding the raw wheat for flour. But interestingly enough, I never ate it. I can see now that resisting the temptation provided another test of my willpower, and another chance to prove my success. Then I was a vegetarian for several years, avoiding any kind of protein, including meat, dairy products, eggs, fish or chicken.

My rules did change along the course of my disease, but they were always there. It was all about control and a pseudo protection, safety and security. Every treatment that I went into, I formed my own set of rules as a means to maintain control. The lies, manipulation and desperate fear prevented me from accepting treatment or committing to recovery. After I was admitted to my final and successful treatment center, it still took me many months after weight restoration to be able to admit and recognize what my food ruts and rules were, and to begin to challenge them. That is when I began to feel REAL control.

I am now living each day with no rules about what I eat, or labels in my mind about “good” or “bad” foods. The obsessive nature of my life in general has greatly decreased. I will always be a very organized person, with a need for order, but not to the point that it interferes with the joy that I now experience every day in my life. My first priority is to eat enough food each day to remain healthy, and to never again sacrifice myself in any way to meet society’s expectations or to gain acceptance.