This can apply to many different situations in life, but because my experience with this concept was related to my recovery from anorexia, I am posting it here.
ORDER-->
This is your 'COMFORT ZONE'. Everyday is more of the same. It's FAMILIAR (safe). But it's NOT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT, and you NEVER feel 'GOOD ENOUGH'...thin enough...etc.
CHAOS-->
Your FEAR increases as you things begin to CHANGE. In recovery you are changing the way you eat, the way you think about eating, and your body may also be changing dramatically. This is a very UNCOMFORTABLE place to be. You probably feel OUT OF CONTROL. Your life is CHAOTIC. When you look ahead, you only see THE UNKNOWN. All of this combines to create INCREASED ANXIETY.
NEW ORDER-->
This is always a BETTER PLACE. You FEEL A LOT BETTER. You are finding that your life contains NEW COMFORT ZONES. You are creating NEW NEUROLOGICAL PATHWAYS as you change the way you are thinking about food, weight, and your life in general. You are realizing an INCREASED SELF-AWARENESS. When you stop...LOOKING BACK..IT IS WORTH GOING THROUGH THE CHAOS.
"Your pain is the breaking point of the shell that encloses your understanding."
-Kahlil Gibran
The Prophet
»
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Preventive Education or Tips on Becoming Sicker?
It's a tricky issue when it comes to considering a presentation to a certain population, such as Middle/High School students or young adults,
about the signs, symptoms and dangers of eating disorders. This population is a very vulnerable one, where
they are already likely searching for their purpose and personal identity. Some may even already
have, or be at the beginning stages of an eating disorder. While there is a sincere effort being made to
warn and educate these people about the negative affects of an eating disorder, it is very easy
for this to become a "teaching lesson" about how to engage in even more eating disorder behavior, without
realizing or being able to understand the real dangers. The lure of losing weight, having control, and
even just being noticed, can sometimes only be enhanced by the information being presented.
It can be especially harmful when specific numbers, such as low weights, low caloric intake, or
amount of time spent over-exercising are mentioned, because there is a factor of competitiveness in eating
disorders that very often becomes a triggering factor.
While there is a need for awareness among this population for factual information for
preventive purposes, it must be approached with caution and the availability for follow-up
consultation for those who may need support.
about the signs, symptoms and dangers of eating disorders. This population is a very vulnerable one, where
they are already likely searching for their purpose and personal identity. Some may even already
have, or be at the beginning stages of an eating disorder. While there is a sincere effort being made to
warn and educate these people about the negative affects of an eating disorder, it is very easy
for this to become a "teaching lesson" about how to engage in even more eating disorder behavior, without
realizing or being able to understand the real dangers. The lure of losing weight, having control, and
even just being noticed, can sometimes only be enhanced by the information being presented.
It can be especially harmful when specific numbers, such as low weights, low caloric intake, or
amount of time spent over-exercising are mentioned, because there is a factor of competitiveness in eating
disorders that very often becomes a triggering factor.
While there is a need for awareness among this population for factual information for
preventive purposes, it must be approached with caution and the availability for follow-up
consultation for those who may need support.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG??
As I've connected with more and more people who are struggling with an eating disorder, and/or working to find their way to recovery, I hear the question above asked over and over, whether literally, or expressed in their words of pain as they try to understand the steps they need to take to be recovered. There is no one answer. I have asked myself the same question time and time again over the past 40 years. I often wondered, as I felt like I was being swallowed up by the prison of anorexia, "can't there just be a pill that I could take that would make it all go away?".
There are countless factors involved in each person's recovery from their particular eating disorder. Because eating disorders are NOT truly about food, it all comes down to what issues in each person's life need to be addressed in order to find the key to recovery.
The one common element that comes into play is first of all to stabilize your eating, and restore your weight to what is normal for your genetic make-up. The time it takes for this varies dramaatically, depending on what condition your body is in when you begin treatment or recovery.
Going back a bit....many times a person, including myself, will go through multiple recovery attempts, which adds up to years of failed attempts. This adds to both the frustration, and also the complexity of the eating disorder.....which means only more time added to recovery.
After the person's physical status is stabilized, then the emotional work begins. Some common emotional factors that may be contributing to the maintenance of an eating disorder are past (or present)abuse/trauma..including incest, obsessional thinking, the need for control and certainty, grief issues, anxiety, suppressed emotional expression, lack of a clear personal identity without an ED, fear of rejection or criticism, society's emphasis on physical perfection, plus many more possibilities.
Working through any of these issues, or sometimes several together, takes time. If these issues are not addressed in treatment, the likelihood of relapse is very high becsuse the sources have not been dealt with. I like the comparison of recovery to the process of peeling an onion...layers and layers that must be uncovered. It's usually a very painful process.
You can't ignore that compliance with treatment is a huge factor in the time it takes to recover. For me, I repeatedly went in and out of the hospital, into treatment, then I would relapse again. An eating disorder has a way of causing a kind of push/pull between patients and professionals. For me, I did want help, but when someone tried to offer it, or tell me what I needed to do, I would automatically begin to lie and hide food, and do everything I could to fight against it. It was because of my extreme fears, confusion, and I know now, inappropriate treatment efforts.
The final and probably most important point that I'd like to make has to do with how important it is to have an iron-clad follow-up plan in place for a significant amount of time, in order to keep a present accountability factor in place to watch for even that small signal that a relapse could occur.
It's safe to say that the longer that a person has had their ED, the longer it will likely take for that person to fully recover. The ED messages and behaviors become so ingrained into a person's life....that when changes begin to be made, it takes a lot of hard work and time to change your lifestyle and habits. You truly do have to transplant a new healthy identity into the empty space left behind by an eating disorder.
There are countless factors involved in each person's recovery from their particular eating disorder. Because eating disorders are NOT truly about food, it all comes down to what issues in each person's life need to be addressed in order to find the key to recovery.
The one common element that comes into play is first of all to stabilize your eating, and restore your weight to what is normal for your genetic make-up. The time it takes for this varies dramaatically, depending on what condition your body is in when you begin treatment or recovery.
Going back a bit....many times a person, including myself, will go through multiple recovery attempts, which adds up to years of failed attempts. This adds to both the frustration, and also the complexity of the eating disorder.....which means only more time added to recovery.
After the person's physical status is stabilized, then the emotional work begins. Some common emotional factors that may be contributing to the maintenance of an eating disorder are past (or present)abuse/trauma..including incest, obsessional thinking, the need for control and certainty, grief issues, anxiety, suppressed emotional expression, lack of a clear personal identity without an ED, fear of rejection or criticism, society's emphasis on physical perfection, plus many more possibilities.
Working through any of these issues, or sometimes several together, takes time. If these issues are not addressed in treatment, the likelihood of relapse is very high becsuse the sources have not been dealt with. I like the comparison of recovery to the process of peeling an onion...layers and layers that must be uncovered. It's usually a very painful process.
You can't ignore that compliance with treatment is a huge factor in the time it takes to recover. For me, I repeatedly went in and out of the hospital, into treatment, then I would relapse again. An eating disorder has a way of causing a kind of push/pull between patients and professionals. For me, I did want help, but when someone tried to offer it, or tell me what I needed to do, I would automatically begin to lie and hide food, and do everything I could to fight against it. It was because of my extreme fears, confusion, and I know now, inappropriate treatment efforts.
The final and probably most important point that I'd like to make has to do with how important it is to have an iron-clad follow-up plan in place for a significant amount of time, in order to keep a present accountability factor in place to watch for even that small signal that a relapse could occur.
It's safe to say that the longer that a person has had their ED, the longer it will likely take for that person to fully recover. The ED messages and behaviors become so ingrained into a person's life....that when changes begin to be made, it takes a lot of hard work and time to change your lifestyle and habits. You truly do have to transplant a new healthy identity into the empty space left behind by an eating disorder.
Monday, July 27, 2009
A Different "Recovery"
This past week has been a bit of a blur, after undergoing spinal fusion surgery exactly one week ago today. Trying to manage pain, adjust to basically not doing anything (for now), and fighting with those perfectionistic/control issues I have about managing my household in a certain way....I'm finally feeling more "normal", whatever that is. I guess you could say I am in recovery..again...but definitely much different from eating disorder recovery!! I had several people ask me before this surgery if I was concerned about how it might affect my ED recovery. I really had none, and still don't.....YAY!! My previous surgery, right about three years ago, directly involved my stomach, so I was NPO (nothing by mouth) for five entire days. I was already struggling a bit with the beginning of a relapse before that surgery, and being unable to eat or drink for five days set me up royally for a total relapse. It was horrible.
But going into this surgery, I knew I would be OK. I know where my mind is, and while I may always be vulnerable, I don't feel fragile at all. So this past week has been painful, but that's expected. I'm now in less pain, moving better, and today I decided to put my contacts in for the first time in a week, and a little make-up. So I know I am feeling better. In terms of eating...the first few days were hard because I had no appetite, and had off/on nausea, perhaps from the pain medication..not sure. But I ate anyway, and I continued to choose foods and drinks that were higher in calories, so I won't fall back. Example...using a Bagel to make a sandwich gives me twice as many calories as using bread or a bun...kind of reverse dieting....:). I always drink whole milk, so I have made sure I am drinking at least two full cups of that per day...plus plenty of other juices, etc.
The pain medication that I am taking, as most, causes constipation, so I have had to deal with that. My head (thoughts) are truly fine with it, and I'm surprisingly NOT uncomfortable physically....??? I just keep eating things that I know usually keep me regular, and the recommended stool softener (NEVER laxatives), and I trust that it will all work out..no pun intended!!
So far, this experience has been one more affirmation to me that my dedication is grounded for continued recovery. The "critters" that have so often stayed in the background, waiting to pounce on me during my weaker moments, are no longer there!!
I'm looking forward to many exciting opportunities in the next couple of months, and I'm beginning to believe that I will feel GREAT and be able to participate and enjoy them 100%!!
But going into this surgery, I knew I would be OK. I know where my mind is, and while I may always be vulnerable, I don't feel fragile at all. So this past week has been painful, but that's expected. I'm now in less pain, moving better, and today I decided to put my contacts in for the first time in a week, and a little make-up. So I know I am feeling better. In terms of eating...the first few days were hard because I had no appetite, and had off/on nausea, perhaps from the pain medication..not sure. But I ate anyway, and I continued to choose foods and drinks that were higher in calories, so I won't fall back. Example...using a Bagel to make a sandwich gives me twice as many calories as using bread or a bun...kind of reverse dieting....:). I always drink whole milk, so I have made sure I am drinking at least two full cups of that per day...plus plenty of other juices, etc.
The pain medication that I am taking, as most, causes constipation, so I have had to deal with that. My head (thoughts) are truly fine with it, and I'm surprisingly NOT uncomfortable physically....??? I just keep eating things that I know usually keep me regular, and the recommended stool softener (NEVER laxatives), and I trust that it will all work out..no pun intended!!
So far, this experience has been one more affirmation to me that my dedication is grounded for continued recovery. The "critters" that have so often stayed in the background, waiting to pounce on me during my weaker moments, are no longer there!!
I'm looking forward to many exciting opportunities in the next couple of months, and I'm beginning to believe that I will feel GREAT and be able to participate and enjoy them 100%!!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
A Weekend In Recovery
So, what is it like to be free from and recovered from a chronic eating disorder? My life is far too different to relate everything, but I'd like to share a bit about this past weekend. I drove down to my hometown, 325 miles away, for a GNO (Girl's Night Out) on Friday, and then I stayed until Monday morning to celebrate my Mother's birthday and visit with my family. Would I have been excited to see classmates from 35 years ago if I still had anorexia? No. I would have been embarrassed, too tired to be up after 8:30 pm, and just not interested in trying to talk to people when my brain was fried from starvation.
But I was very excited to be going!! I saw many friends from HS, plus people from my community who I think may have thought I had died. I ordered dinner without a second thought. I walked up to people and talked to them whether I was sure they knew me or not. I danced like a schoolgirl and sweat like a football player, and I had the time of my life!! The ONLY drawback was that my sweetie was back home taking care of his Mom. That's the way we have to do it right now. I wore myself out, but left with some new happy memories.
My relationship with my Mom is better than it's ever been. I'm not afraid to say what I think, even if I know she doesn't agree with me. It's OK for me to be different..to be ME....and I've found that my family actually shows me respect for standing up for myself...now. I miss my Dad. Memories of him are everywhere. I cry and move on, and focus on what a respectful, loyal man he was. That doesn't mean I always agreed with him.
I visited the cemetary where my son is buried. The Azalea I planted in April is thriving. I talked to him. I cried. I told him I love him, and I left with a picture in my head of he and my Father laughing and riding the tractor (John Deere of course!).
My siblings and I got together and celebrated my Mom's birthday...a bit early. I eat what I want....really eat....and I enjoy my brothers and sister for who they are, not for how I measure up to them. I wasn't waiting for them to leave, as has always been the case in the past. I picked green beans in the garden. I went to my brother's house that night to celebrate his wife's son's 30th birthday. But the real reason I went was to see the 7 month old twins and the 6-week old baby boy of my niece and her husband. Babies are popping out all over down there....:)
Rested more on Sunday....ate fried chicken for the third time in a row...who cares? But by Sunday night, I knew once again that I would never be able to live there again. I would smother to death. Too many memories and reminders of being sick. By the time I loaded up and started back home on Monday, I couldn't wait to get home.
I didn't count calories or meal plan while I was gone. My body is beginning to know how to care for itself. My weight has been stable for many months. I praise God that I can trust my body and mind to allow me to be healthy. But I'm not naive. I will always keep meal planning in my life to keep me stabilized. I've been through Hell, and I don't want to go back there again.
But I was very excited to be going!! I saw many friends from HS, plus people from my community who I think may have thought I had died. I ordered dinner without a second thought. I walked up to people and talked to them whether I was sure they knew me or not. I danced like a schoolgirl and sweat like a football player, and I had the time of my life!! The ONLY drawback was that my sweetie was back home taking care of his Mom. That's the way we have to do it right now. I wore myself out, but left with some new happy memories.
My relationship with my Mom is better than it's ever been. I'm not afraid to say what I think, even if I know she doesn't agree with me. It's OK for me to be different..to be ME....and I've found that my family actually shows me respect for standing up for myself...now. I miss my Dad. Memories of him are everywhere. I cry and move on, and focus on what a respectful, loyal man he was. That doesn't mean I always agreed with him.
I visited the cemetary where my son is buried. The Azalea I planted in April is thriving. I talked to him. I cried. I told him I love him, and I left with a picture in my head of he and my Father laughing and riding the tractor (John Deere of course!).
My siblings and I got together and celebrated my Mom's birthday...a bit early. I eat what I want....really eat....and I enjoy my brothers and sister for who they are, not for how I measure up to them. I wasn't waiting for them to leave, as has always been the case in the past. I picked green beans in the garden. I went to my brother's house that night to celebrate his wife's son's 30th birthday. But the real reason I went was to see the 7 month old twins and the 6-week old baby boy of my niece and her husband. Babies are popping out all over down there....:)
Rested more on Sunday....ate fried chicken for the third time in a row...who cares? But by Sunday night, I knew once again that I would never be able to live there again. I would smother to death. Too many memories and reminders of being sick. By the time I loaded up and started back home on Monday, I couldn't wait to get home.
I didn't count calories or meal plan while I was gone. My body is beginning to know how to care for itself. My weight has been stable for many months. I praise God that I can trust my body and mind to allow me to be healthy. But I'm not naive. I will always keep meal planning in my life to keep me stabilized. I've been through Hell, and I don't want to go back there again.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
From Anorexia To Bulimia-Why Does This Happen?
As I've recently been in contact with many people, dealing with many various aspects of an eating disorder, I've come to realize just how common it is for someone with anorexia to eventually evolve into bulimic behaviors. I've known this on a cognitive level, but never so much on a personal basis, such as hearing from many people, especially women, who are experiencing this. What I am hearing is a great amount of shame, especially for those who have been in treatment for anorexia and thought they had defeated their eating disorder. This is irrational, yet very understandable, given the attitude that society has towards eating disorders in general.
Statistically, approximately 50% of anorexics will develop some sort of bulimic behavior during their illness. For someone who has been weight restored, and on the path to recovery, a "relapse" into bulimic behavior can be devastating. They feel an even greater loss of control with their eating, and a desperate fear of weight gain. This can cause depression, hopelessness, and other impulsive behaviors in an attempt to numb out their fears once again. All of these things are what I hear being expressed.
The reasons for this transition from anorexia (restricting) to bulimia can be due to a couple of very logical explanations.
1) If a person is not weight restored to a point where they are no longer biologically challenged, the likelihood is greater that they will not be able to continue to suppress their intake or weight, which will eventually result in impulsive binging (and possibly purging) behaviors. This begins only one more vicious cycle that commonly causes shame and isolation.
2) Sometimes a person who has had chronic anorexia for many years, and has tried several different treatments that have "failed" (in their eyes), their body may simply not be able to continue the extreme starvation. Biology takes over, and because this person hasn't established a healthy, consistent eating routine, binging may be out of control.
A person who is in this situation often expresses hopelessness, apathy, and just simply giving up on ever being free from their disorder. If the disorder is not treated, the medical and psychological consequences of these behaviors will only increase in severity, or in some cases, a person will just give up, believing that there is no hope for them.
There is ALWAYS hope, as long as there is life!! Anyone who has suffered with an eating disorder is very strong in character, whether they realize it or not. The key is to use that strength in a positive way to fight with all they have for the freedom they deserve!!
Statistically, approximately 50% of anorexics will develop some sort of bulimic behavior during their illness. For someone who has been weight restored, and on the path to recovery, a "relapse" into bulimic behavior can be devastating. They feel an even greater loss of control with their eating, and a desperate fear of weight gain. This can cause depression, hopelessness, and other impulsive behaviors in an attempt to numb out their fears once again. All of these things are what I hear being expressed.
The reasons for this transition from anorexia (restricting) to bulimia can be due to a couple of very logical explanations.
1) If a person is not weight restored to a point where they are no longer biologically challenged, the likelihood is greater that they will not be able to continue to suppress their intake or weight, which will eventually result in impulsive binging (and possibly purging) behaviors. This begins only one more vicious cycle that commonly causes shame and isolation.
2) Sometimes a person who has had chronic anorexia for many years, and has tried several different treatments that have "failed" (in their eyes), their body may simply not be able to continue the extreme starvation. Biology takes over, and because this person hasn't established a healthy, consistent eating routine, binging may be out of control.
A person who is in this situation often expresses hopelessness, apathy, and just simply giving up on ever being free from their disorder. If the disorder is not treated, the medical and psychological consequences of these behaviors will only increase in severity, or in some cases, a person will just give up, believing that there is no hope for them.
There is ALWAYS hope, as long as there is life!! Anyone who has suffered with an eating disorder is very strong in character, whether they realize it or not. The key is to use that strength in a positive way to fight with all they have for the freedom they deserve!!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Caretaking: Common Among People With Eating Disorders
So what's so wrong with wanting to take care of people? Why is it a "bad" thing to try to make everyone around you happy? This is a common pursuit among people who have developed eating disorders, for several different reasons. One, they may have been raised to believe that at all cost, self-sacrifice for the happiness of others is the "good" thing to do. Or it may be a coping mechanism that the person has developed in order to keep the environment around them calm, in an attempt to prevent conflict. The attempt to please everyone and prove your worth fits right in with stuffing your true emotions and trying not to "rock the boat", so to speak.
I am an RN. My profession and nature is to take care of people. But for many years I did this for all the wrong reasons. It was the only way I could feel good about who I was as a person. I felt completely worthless as a person, so I thought I had to prove my worth in the things I DID, not because of who I am. I never stood up for myself, so therefore was dominated in my first marriage, and by the rules about good and bad that I heard all around me. I was actually denying who I was as a person in order to make the other people in my life approve of me. My eating disorder was a direct result of trying to do all the right things, yet resenting it, therefore those feelings came out as self-harm by not eating.
I realize now that I raised my sons in such a way that they never had a chance to learn to take care of themselves, and in adulthood, my son now struggles with taking responsibility for his own life, and his own mistakes. Rescuing him and others, turned out to be more enabling that helpful.
Now as I have recovered, and I have learned to stand up for who I am, and because I now value who I am as a person, I don't think that it's necessary for me to constantly be someone who everyone likes or who takes care of everyone around me. But, ironically, people generally DO like and respect me, and by nature, I am still a person who likes to care for others, but now it is completely from my heart, not in a vain attempt to gain acceptance. I can't even put into words the joy I feel as I reach out and support and help others in ways that I am able. I know it is genuine, and I respect myself for that.
In the last month, my dear Mother-in-Law has now become a member of our immediate household. She has significant dementia, and requires supervision for most everything she does. I have been put back into the role of the caretaker, but my perspective of this is entirely different from other times. I no longer restrict what I am eating. I take care that I keep time for myself as a priority as well as taking care of her needs. The care I provide for her is not based on trying to prove that I am "good" or worthy, it's done purely out of love for her. That's not to say that since she has moved in my life has changed. My "wings" have been clipped a bit, but I am still flying, just not in a straight line every day! I am NOT sacrificing my own needs, nor the needs of my marriage in order to care for her.
Balance is a key point in recovery, and especially when it comes to assessing your wants/needs to take care of the people around you. For me, this is just one of the many areas that I am now able to see how it enriches my life, instead of risking my life, and how much better I am for myself and others when I do take care of myself!!
I am an RN. My profession and nature is to take care of people. But for many years I did this for all the wrong reasons. It was the only way I could feel good about who I was as a person. I felt completely worthless as a person, so I thought I had to prove my worth in the things I DID, not because of who I am. I never stood up for myself, so therefore was dominated in my first marriage, and by the rules about good and bad that I heard all around me. I was actually denying who I was as a person in order to make the other people in my life approve of me. My eating disorder was a direct result of trying to do all the right things, yet resenting it, therefore those feelings came out as self-harm by not eating.
I realize now that I raised my sons in such a way that they never had a chance to learn to take care of themselves, and in adulthood, my son now struggles with taking responsibility for his own life, and his own mistakes. Rescuing him and others, turned out to be more enabling that helpful.
Now as I have recovered, and I have learned to stand up for who I am, and because I now value who I am as a person, I don't think that it's necessary for me to constantly be someone who everyone likes or who takes care of everyone around me. But, ironically, people generally DO like and respect me, and by nature, I am still a person who likes to care for others, but now it is completely from my heart, not in a vain attempt to gain acceptance. I can't even put into words the joy I feel as I reach out and support and help others in ways that I am able. I know it is genuine, and I respect myself for that.
In the last month, my dear Mother-in-Law has now become a member of our immediate household. She has significant dementia, and requires supervision for most everything she does. I have been put back into the role of the caretaker, but my perspective of this is entirely different from other times. I no longer restrict what I am eating. I take care that I keep time for myself as a priority as well as taking care of her needs. The care I provide for her is not based on trying to prove that I am "good" or worthy, it's done purely out of love for her. That's not to say that since she has moved in my life has changed. My "wings" have been clipped a bit, but I am still flying, just not in a straight line every day! I am NOT sacrificing my own needs, nor the needs of my marriage in order to care for her.
Balance is a key point in recovery, and especially when it comes to assessing your wants/needs to take care of the people around you. For me, this is just one of the many areas that I am now able to see how it enriches my life, instead of risking my life, and how much better I am for myself and others when I do take care of myself!!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
SAFETY MEASURES
What I mean by this term is taking the steps that each of us needs in our lives to avoid putting ourselves into situations where we might be triggered into having symptoms. "Triggers" are unique to every individual. They can relate to memories, past abuse or trauma, grief, advertisements in the media (Television, magazines, newspapers, etc.), and one the biggest...just doing your routine grocery shopping!! The diet ads and promotions for "healthy" eating or weight seem to follow us through our day. I advocate each of doing whatever we need to avoid exposure or interaction with situations or even people who may be a triggering factor in our life.
I am quite alarmed also by the vast amount of Pro-eating disorder material on the Internet. I have not researched or looked at any of these sites, but I am seeing the direct results of this propaganda. These sites promote DEATH...simply put. Some people might think that seeing actual photos of starving women or men might be helpful in turning away from an eating disorder, but it doesn't work that way.
When someone is entrenched in an eating disorder, and imprisoned by the obsessive thoughts and behaviors, the graphic pictures and advice on how to stay sick, or become sicker, is very alluring. It also provides them with excuses for why they don't need to seek help...."see, other people are like me and it's OK". This is very dangerous, and I propose that we all avoid and take any steps possible to ban these messages from our lives. Please, think about what YOU need to remain in recovery and safe from these dangerous triggers, and move forward into a life of health!!
I am quite alarmed also by the vast amount of Pro-eating disorder material on the Internet. I have not researched or looked at any of these sites, but I am seeing the direct results of this propaganda. These sites promote DEATH...simply put. Some people might think that seeing actual photos of starving women or men might be helpful in turning away from an eating disorder, but it doesn't work that way.
When someone is entrenched in an eating disorder, and imprisoned by the obsessive thoughts and behaviors, the graphic pictures and advice on how to stay sick, or become sicker, is very alluring. It also provides them with excuses for why they don't need to seek help...."see, other people are like me and it's OK". This is very dangerous, and I propose that we all avoid and take any steps possible to ban these messages from our lives. Please, think about what YOU need to remain in recovery and safe from these dangerous triggers, and move forward into a life of health!!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Food Rules
The mind of an anorexic is fueled by rules and restrictions as a means of control and protection. For the anorexic, life’s uncertainties and perceived fears cause great anxiety and feelings of danger and insecurity. I will relate my own experiences with this, and how it affected my life with this disease.
Losing weight and dieting was my main objective. It became my only goal, every day. From the beginning, I classified foods into two categories, either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. I set up rules in my mind about how, when and what I would allow myself to eat. My rules changed over the years, depending on society’s influence, family influence and ideas that I thought might cause more weight loss. Certain foods would suddenly fall into the bad category, if I felt a sense of danger, insecurity or a loss of control. I had certain rules about when I could eat, in what order I could eat certain foods, on certain days, even what plates, silverware and cups I could use. I had a certain order in which I would eat certain foods. Every second my actions were methodical and calculated. Rules, rigidity and absolute control played out in all other areas of my life also. I had rules, rituals, or a routine for every second of my day, and for days in advance. If at any time I broke the rules, this caused fear and extreme anxiety.
One of the rules that I set for myself from the very beginning was that I must eat differently than others. The foods had to be different, the times I ate were different, and the method in which I ate had to be different. For the entire span of my disease, my patent excuse for not eating, or for the differences in my eating was “I don’t like it”. This is a common excuse for most anorexics. Eventually, over time, I even convinced myself of that, and my list of bad foods became longer. The worst of this came the last 10 years or so of my disease, except for an 18 month period after I had been in treatment. During that time, my rules relaxed to some degree, but were never completely controlled. Within a short amount of time, what I allowed myself decreased again and the rules became even more rigid. After that time, my intake steadily decreased, and from that point on I became a virtual recluse. My days were completely planned around my eating schedule, and I allowed nothing to interfere. I missed out on my boys’ school and sporting events, family holidays and birthdays, and I had entirely no social interaction. I had to protect my ‘secret’ lifestyle, which by that time was most evident to everyone who knew me.
I took on a health food approach for some time, which played right into my need to be different. I avoided all sugars and preservatives, and I baked all my family’s bread, even to the point of grinding the raw wheat for flour. But interestingly enough, I never ate it. I can see now that resisting the temptation provided another test of my willpower, and another chance to prove my success. Then I was a vegetarian for several years, avoiding any kind of protein, including meat, dairy products, eggs, fish or chicken.
My rules did change along the course of my disease, but they were always there. It was all about control and a pseudo protection, safety and security. Every treatment that I went into, I formed my own set of rules as a means to maintain control. The lies, manipulation and desperate fear prevented me from accepting treatment or committing to recovery. After I was admitted to my final and successful treatment center, it still took me many months after weight restoration to be able to admit and recognize what my food ruts and rules were, and to begin to challenge them. That is when I began to feel REAL control.
I am now living each day with no rules about what I eat, or labels in my mind about “good” or “bad” foods. The obsessive nature of my life in general has greatly decreased. I will always be a very organized person, with a need for order, but not to the point that it interferes with the joy that I now experience every day in my life. My first priority is to eat enough food each day to remain healthy, and to never again sacrifice myself in any way to meet society’s expectations or to gain acceptance.
Losing weight and dieting was my main objective. It became my only goal, every day. From the beginning, I classified foods into two categories, either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. I set up rules in my mind about how, when and what I would allow myself to eat. My rules changed over the years, depending on society’s influence, family influence and ideas that I thought might cause more weight loss. Certain foods would suddenly fall into the bad category, if I felt a sense of danger, insecurity or a loss of control. I had certain rules about when I could eat, in what order I could eat certain foods, on certain days, even what plates, silverware and cups I could use. I had a certain order in which I would eat certain foods. Every second my actions were methodical and calculated. Rules, rigidity and absolute control played out in all other areas of my life also. I had rules, rituals, or a routine for every second of my day, and for days in advance. If at any time I broke the rules, this caused fear and extreme anxiety.
One of the rules that I set for myself from the very beginning was that I must eat differently than others. The foods had to be different, the times I ate were different, and the method in which I ate had to be different. For the entire span of my disease, my patent excuse for not eating, or for the differences in my eating was “I don’t like it”. This is a common excuse for most anorexics. Eventually, over time, I even convinced myself of that, and my list of bad foods became longer. The worst of this came the last 10 years or so of my disease, except for an 18 month period after I had been in treatment. During that time, my rules relaxed to some degree, but were never completely controlled. Within a short amount of time, what I allowed myself decreased again and the rules became even more rigid. After that time, my intake steadily decreased, and from that point on I became a virtual recluse. My days were completely planned around my eating schedule, and I allowed nothing to interfere. I missed out on my boys’ school and sporting events, family holidays and birthdays, and I had entirely no social interaction. I had to protect my ‘secret’ lifestyle, which by that time was most evident to everyone who knew me.
I took on a health food approach for some time, which played right into my need to be different. I avoided all sugars and preservatives, and I baked all my family’s bread, even to the point of grinding the raw wheat for flour. But interestingly enough, I never ate it. I can see now that resisting the temptation provided another test of my willpower, and another chance to prove my success. Then I was a vegetarian for several years, avoiding any kind of protein, including meat, dairy products, eggs, fish or chicken.
My rules did change along the course of my disease, but they were always there. It was all about control and a pseudo protection, safety and security. Every treatment that I went into, I formed my own set of rules as a means to maintain control. The lies, manipulation and desperate fear prevented me from accepting treatment or committing to recovery. After I was admitted to my final and successful treatment center, it still took me many months after weight restoration to be able to admit and recognize what my food ruts and rules were, and to begin to challenge them. That is when I began to feel REAL control.
I am now living each day with no rules about what I eat, or labels in my mind about “good” or “bad” foods. The obsessive nature of my life in general has greatly decreased. I will always be a very organized person, with a need for order, but not to the point that it interferes with the joy that I now experience every day in my life. My first priority is to eat enough food each day to remain healthy, and to never again sacrifice myself in any way to meet society’s expectations or to gain acceptance.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Body Image Distortions-Why So Difficult To Resolve?
Body Image...nearly every woman at some point in her life struggles with how she feels about her body. With society's obsession with perfection, and such a huge emphasis on "outer beauty", it's no wonder that so many women AND men get caught up in wanting to change the way they look....to make themselves more "perfect". Although there are many things that can contribute to the development of an eating disorder, this is almost always one of the issues involved.
While an eating disorder has control over a person's life, it also has control over their mind. Distortions of reality are prominent in many areas, but mostly concerning food, weight and body perception. The physiological affects of starvation exacerbate the distortions, and increase the anxiety pertaining to weight gain and changes in the body. While in recovery, starvation must be reversed, whether that be in terms of weight gain, or weight stabilization for those who are bulimic. Once the body has had time to stabilize at a healthy weight, thinking patterns will most likely also stabilize and be more realistic.
If you have been in recovery, are recovered, or know someone who has been through the process of recovery, you are probably aware that body image issues seem to be the longest lasting distortions, and are often the hardest to normalize. Accepting the added weight as "normal" or "healthy" is complex. The "rules" that dominate the person's mind are being broken. Society preaches weight loss and smaller sizes everywhere you look.
I believe that one of the reasons it takes more time to resolve body image issues is because when a person has an eating disorder, they often rate their worth on how successful they have been at losing weight, or controlling their weight. They often have no concept of themselves outside of having an eating disorder. Discovering and accepting one's identity outside of having an eating disorder is very difficult. It takes time to be able to find confidence and pride in yourself in other areas of your life. It even takes time to accept that working to recovery is something to be proud of.
You have to accept and like who you are on the inside, before you can be at peace with who you are, or what you look like on the outside. Anything in reverse of that is false and insincere. You have to embrace your life and your unique talents as who you are, and in truth, when you do that, your joy and confidence will show in the way you present to others. There is peace when this happens. Peace that you are "perfect" the way you are, without giving in to the pressures that this world puts on all of us. This is hard to do. Everyone wants to be accepted, and unfortunately, in many arenas, a person is judged by how they look.
Freedom can only come when you stand up and be proud of who you are, and "just say no" to the outside pressures that are so cheap and fake. Embrace the strength and power you have as a woman or a man of this amazing world we live in!!
Without apology.....♥
While an eating disorder has control over a person's life, it also has control over their mind. Distortions of reality are prominent in many areas, but mostly concerning food, weight and body perception. The physiological affects of starvation exacerbate the distortions, and increase the anxiety pertaining to weight gain and changes in the body. While in recovery, starvation must be reversed, whether that be in terms of weight gain, or weight stabilization for those who are bulimic. Once the body has had time to stabilize at a healthy weight, thinking patterns will most likely also stabilize and be more realistic.
If you have been in recovery, are recovered, or know someone who has been through the process of recovery, you are probably aware that body image issues seem to be the longest lasting distortions, and are often the hardest to normalize. Accepting the added weight as "normal" or "healthy" is complex. The "rules" that dominate the person's mind are being broken. Society preaches weight loss and smaller sizes everywhere you look.
I believe that one of the reasons it takes more time to resolve body image issues is because when a person has an eating disorder, they often rate their worth on how successful they have been at losing weight, or controlling their weight. They often have no concept of themselves outside of having an eating disorder. Discovering and accepting one's identity outside of having an eating disorder is very difficult. It takes time to be able to find confidence and pride in yourself in other areas of your life. It even takes time to accept that working to recovery is something to be proud of.
You have to accept and like who you are on the inside, before you can be at peace with who you are, or what you look like on the outside. Anything in reverse of that is false and insincere. You have to embrace your life and your unique talents as who you are, and in truth, when you do that, your joy and confidence will show in the way you present to others. There is peace when this happens. Peace that you are "perfect" the way you are, without giving in to the pressures that this world puts on all of us. This is hard to do. Everyone wants to be accepted, and unfortunately, in many arenas, a person is judged by how they look.
Freedom can only come when you stand up and be proud of who you are, and "just say no" to the outside pressures that are so cheap and fake. Embrace the strength and power you have as a woman or a man of this amazing world we live in!!
Without apology.....♥
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