Body 'Checking'

You know what ‘body checking’ is…you are constantly feeling your stomach to see if it feels bigger….you may see if, and how many, fingers you can fit into the waistline of your jeans….or maybe you check multiple times during the day to see how your fingers fit around your wrist, or for me, my upper arm. This applies to mirror images also. Do you turn sideways every time you pass the mirror to make sure your stomach is still flat? Or when you pass by the shop windows along the street, do you stare at your image in horror, or do you look to make sure you appear ‘thin enough’?I can identify with all of these and many more. During my recovery, as I was trying to learn how to deal with the changes in my body and the weight I had gained, I had to come up with some form of ‘strategy’ in order to stay sane. I made the decision to stop all ‘body checking’. This meant that if I knew an article of clothing would cause me to worry and fret, I wouldn’t wear it. For a period of time, I covered the mirrors in my apartment, aside from a small area to apply make-up and do my hair, so that I would not focus on how my body looked. I made a point to avoid watching those shop windows. I stopped ‘checking’ to see the difference in my wrist or arm size. And, I stopped looking at the tags in my clothing. Some of them I cut out purposely to avoid dwelling on sizes.I didn’t have to do this forever, but it helped me tremendously ‘in the moment’, and later on, as I dealt with letting go of body image issues.

How Did I Become Me?

Disclaimer: I do love my parents. I do love my family. I do not abide by the belief that parents/families can cause their child or family member to develop an eating disorder.
That said, I would like to share some thoughts pertaining to how the environment in which I was raised may have played into my difficulties as I approached puberty and adulthood.

I was asked a few days ago how I determined what I wanted for my life after being ill for so many years. This is a very pertinent question, because for anyone who had an eating disorder, letting go of the eating disordered identity is very frightening, but it's necessary for full recovery to be possible.
So I began to think. From a very young age, I was 'taught' who I should be. All around me I saw and heard the rules about what being 'good', 'right', and 'safe' were. I was constantly reminded of what was and was not acceptable, but I realize now that it was never explained to me why I had to be accepted. I am not referring to basic respect and practical kindness. I am referring to issues like racial prejudice, sexual orientation, political opinions, and some personal values. Even 45 years ago, criticisms about weight, mine and others, with a very derogatory tone, were frequent. I grew up terrified of what being an adult, and the responsibilities involved, looked like.
Upon finding myself at a place in recovery where I was stable physically, I realized that I was in total chaos in terms of knowing what I wanted for my life, or knowing who I really was. I didn't have to follow anyone else's 'rules' anymore, I didn't have to believe a certain way, avoid certain people or things, or strive for some unattainable ideal. I was lost.
Because I was literally beginning at 'ground level', divorced and having relocated to a city where I knew only those people I had met during recovery (and many had moved on), I was given what I can now see as a gift. The gift of freedom to define myself and decide for the first time in my life what I believed, sans what others wanted me to believe.
I have to admit that for a time, my journey of exploration was very sloppy and somewhat careless. I discovered many things that I DID NOT equate to who I am. For a while I frightened myself and others with my somewhat reckless impulsive decisions.
However, I discovered some things about myself that I really do love. I was relieved to find out that I don't have to hate others who are not 'like' me. What does that mean anyway?
I can now embrace the opportunity that my life offers, that allows me to be involved with a culturally diverse population. My world has grown from a very narrow, unhealthy, and frightening place, to a wide open space where I am free, healthy and not afraid of facing life and the world anymore.
Happiness is no longer something that indicates laziness. I am free to choose whether I WANT to clean my house or see a movie with a friend-or by myself. Each day continues to be an adventure for me in many ways. I continue to learn more about myself, what I believe, and what about life I missed for so long. In some ways I have come full circle. I have always been a loving and compassionate person, and I always will be. The difference? I now know it.
For as long as I live, I will continue to define who I am. The difference now is I base those definitions on MY values and choices. Without apology....

Hope an Essential Part of Recovery

HOPE. What part does it play in the process of recovery from an eating disorder?
For myself, I believe 'hope' was THE critical piece that I didn't have during my numerous 'failed' attempts at recovery. I am now able to see the picture clearly, and I know that for a number of reasons, I felt no hope, nor was I offered any hope for recovery, UNTIL going into my final, successful treatment. Recovery is a complex, defeating process, so hope is an essential ingredient, I believe, for anyone to find the strength to keep moving forward. At times, 'giving up' seems almost easier. Recovery requires some trust in the process. And for me, in order to trust the process, I truly needed a steady supply of hope, which was offered to me in various ways by the professionals who were treating me.
In time, I began to believe more in myself, which gave growth to more hope, and trust in myself as well as the process.
One very valuable form of hope that was offered to me was knowing that others believed that I could recover. I had never, during the entire previous 30 years of my illness, been told that recovery was possible, let alone that I could recover.
Hope for me involved the idea that I could actually escape from the personal prison of anorexia that I had known as my life for so many years. The potential for freedom generated feelings akin to euphoria, an energy that helped me to persevere through the very daunting process of recovery. For me the process involved some major grief work, a divorce (which held many negative meanings in my mind), complete relocation and sudden independence (which were both terrifying and liberating), and the continuing process of establishing a mature, healthy relationship with my adult son.
For everyone, recovery involves a myriad of issues that much be dealt with. The great thing is, once your physical health has been resolved, those issues are not nearly as daunting and terrifying as they seemed previously.
Hope can inspire, motivate and offer incentive to ask for help. The isolation that many times accompanies an eating disorder may stem from a lack of hope and the resolve that there is no point in trying.
Hope can often be about telling the truth, and ending the lies about the eating disorder.
In any illness, hope can be an essential element. Hope can improve the prognosis in a life threatening illness, while also greatly improving a person's quality of life.
If you think about your daily life, what motivates you? What 'feeds' your passions?
If the vision before you is dark and seemingly impossible, how much energy are you going to have to face tomorrow?
At some point, I believe we can be our own resource for hope. This can include choosing the people in our lives so that we are surrounded by encouragement that goes both ways. We give, and we receive. It's a simple, yet powerful dynamic.
Our words hold more power than we realize. The words we use to describe ourselves may actually be influential in how we live our lives and how we feel.
I practice a few simple methods on a daily basis that help me continue to build up my hope and to keep a positive attitude.

• I look for hope in every situation. It's like looking at the glass 'half-full'.
• I have developed a large social support system. I am involved with community groups and activities that have allowed me to form relationships with some very positive people.
• I remember that I am a survivor.
• I practice gratitude, and I make an effort to make sure that the people in my life know that they are important to me.
• Breathe. Inhale the hope. Exhale the despair. INSPIRATION!!

Without apology....

Set Point: How Your Body Tries to Protect You

What does 'set point' really mean? If you consider that our metabolism automatically adjusts to either excess or insufficient available energy (calories), you can begin to understand how carefully our bodies are 'tuned' to protect a certain weight.Genetics and eating habits determine body size. If an adult does not try to manipulate their body weight by dieting or excessive eating, their weight will be remarkably stable over time.'Set point' can be described as a reference point around which the body tries to keep a stable weight.Body temperature is another example of a type of 'set point'. There are a variety of physical mechanisms that 'kick in' if a person's temperature goes above or below 37 degrees Celcius, in an effort to maintain a normal body temperature.'Set point' is individual to each person. If a slight amount of weight is gained, most people will experience an increase in their metabolic rate so that the excess energy (calories) are wasted. This allows the body to return to that previous set point relatively easily.However, in the case of weight loss, the metabolism will slow down as less food is eaten or exercise is increased. This leads to a protective decrease in energy burned, which will result in weight gain on fewer calories than before. This is your body's attempt to protect that genetic 'set point'.This concept explains why very few people are able to maintain a weight loss after being on a diet.Your 'set point', unlike a media-brainwashed mind, does not care about current 'fashion' or contributing to the massive diet industry. Your 'genes' are what dictate your body shape and size.Set point cannot be randomly determined or measured.It is estimated that if you have been eating 'normally' and not obsessively exercising for about a year, you are likely at your 'set point'. This is speaking for adults, and cannot be applied before a person's growth is complete.Predisposition to be a certain size 'runs in the family'.Certain factors can alter set point, but there are still more questions than answers regarding this issue. Pregnancy may temporarily alter set point for some women, and for others, it may result in a permanent higher 'natural' weight. The conclusions about this are disimilar.What does this mean? This concept implies that the farther you are from your natural set-point (either way), the more difficult it is to maintain, and your body will work to revert back to your 'natural' weight. Accepting and remaining at a stable weight, YOUR set point, is healthier that the yo-yo dieting cycle.As much as it seems to go against all we see and hear around us today, you need to consider weight as you consider height. It's all based on our genetic predisposition.The dangerous and exasperating attempts and time spent on trying to change your weight can be much better spent on fulfilling your life-long dreams, desires and happiness.Unfortunately, we live in a culture that values thinness in women, to a degree that causes illness and eating disorders, now world-wide.Isn't life more about accepting ourselves AND others at a natural heatlthy weight, and challenging the false notion that thin people are necessarily happier, smarter or more virtuous?
Without apology.....

What Do You Really 'Give Up' in Recovery?

Recovering from an eating disorder of any type is complex, difficult and not a quick process. Recovery is not linear, nor does it move at a constant pace. There may be periods when a person feels 'stuck', and is confused as to why.One of the hardest parts of recovery for many people is actually letting go of their eating disorder. This is often because the eating disorder served some purpose in that person's life, which at the time seemed useful.'Giving up' an eating disorder can feel very much like a loss, which can cause increased fear of what being without the eating disorder will really mean.
Some of the 'functions' that an eating disorder may serve in a person's life include:
-Self-soothing
-Praise or attention from others
-Diversion from family or relationship issues
-Delays adult responsibilities-Avoidance of sexuality
-Avoidance of memories or feelings
-Maintains a sense of control
-Creates an identity: sense of self
What purpose has an eating disorder had in your life? Do you know?
The important thing in recovery is to begin to pursue other means of getting these needs met, or facing the issues that have been avoided.
Some ways to move forward can include:
-Practice ways of relaxation or self-soothing
-Direct communication to get your needs met
-Don't rush recovery. Set a realistic pace
-Separate sexuality from recovery (if applies)
-Work on 'sitting' with feelings
-Look for ways to define and feel good about YOU.
NEVER GIVE UP!!!
-Without apology-

New Year's Resolutions or Expectations?

Now, as we have said our good-byes to 2009, and have embarked on the first decade of the 21st Century, many of us may be reflecting on the past, and 'resolving' for the future.I'm personally not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions. I have seen this work far too often as a 'rule' to be broken, and the 'butt' of many jokes.
I'd rather see each day as a new opportunity to set goals for ourselves or to envision and move toward dreams we may have for our lives.For those of us who have suffered, or continue to work for recovery from an eating disorder, it's not uncommon for us to expect and pursue unrealistic things for ourselves. Perfection? I don't believe in it. Therefore we can not be imperfect either. I'm not saying that I don't believe strongly in the power that each of us possesses to pursue greater things for our lives, but I encourage you to stop and think if that pursuit is building you up or tearing you down.The expectations that we place on ourselves AND others oftentimes end up being the things that defeat us. This often parallels the need/desire for control in our lives and our environment. This isn't feasible. We cannot control those around us. And when we expect others in our lives to be a certain way or do a certain thing, often we are setting ourselves up for anger, frustration, resentment, or any mixture of emotions...which too often get stuffed down inside and may surface as self-harm (ED). Is it worth it? Do we really have a right to put our own expectations on others..especially if we are setting ourselves up in the process? I don't believe we do.
And as I have adopted this concept more and more into my own life (thanks to my husband :), I have felt a great burden taken off of me. My need to control and 'see all' very seldom surfaces anymore.I am not referring to our rights to be respected by others, or to be loved and cared for, but the 'expectations' that emerge from our own need for certainty and control.The flip side of this may be even more damaging for we who are or have been 'people pleasers'. The expectations (or perceived ones) that we face in our lives daily carry much more power to 'fuel' our eating disorders and the strive for perfection than almost any other factor. I'm referring to the 'extremes', not the reports we have due for school or work, etc. It's when we sacrifice ourselves (literally) in order to please others, be accepted, or to avoid criticism, when the harm is done. I was told from a very young age that I was 'so good'. Wow! That's a tough label to keep in place. I was told exactly what was the 'right' way to think, act, and grow up. These 'expectations' were very gender stereotypical, so my only option for adulthood was marriage and raising children. My response? I decided (subconsciously) not to grow up. This wasn't the only factor in the development of my eating disorder, but it was a strong one. Are you living your life to meet others' expectations? Are they realistic? Do they correlate with your own values and goals for your life? Are those expectations actually infringing on your free will and rights? Maybe now is the time to decide what YOUR beliefs, values and life goals are, outside of what others expect.
So, perhaps you can ask yourself as the time approaches to celebrate 2010, how can I prevent from 'setting myself up' for disappointment or defeat as I work my recovery? How can I relax what I expect from others so that I am better focused on meeting my own needs?May each of you be blessed with a safe, healthy and joyful New Year!!

The Last Decade

Do any of you remember all the frenzy right before the year 2000 turned over? We thought all the computers in the world would crash, or worse, that our water supply would be tainted, etc., so people were buying up water for reserve, filling up their bathtubs, and the fear was high.
It was all uncertain. No one really knew what to expect, but the unknown held dark demons.
As I'm thinking today about the coming year, 2010, I reflect back upon all that this last decade (wow!) has held for me and my life. Of course, none of the fears of the year 2000 came to pass, and our world has continued to produce, explore, and invent, new and better (?) electronic devices. The turn of the century didn't mark the end of the world as we know it...for the most part.
But for me, in ways that were completely unknown and unexpected, this decade HAS marked the end of the world as I had known it for the first 44 years of my life.
I had just began my career as a RN at the beginning of this decade. I had barely survived Nursing School, not only in terms of passing my classes, but literally by surviving alive. I was spiraling down once again in weight and bargaining in my mind that tomorrow would be different..finally. Each day became more difficult.
In May of 2001, I was working at my third facility, after only 5 months earlier, nearly dying from strep pneumonia and sepsis. I liked my job in the ER, although it was hard work. It is a miracle that I was able to do my job.
I went back into treatment for anorexia in May, only to leave the second week of June to bury my 17 year old son. Tim was accidentally shot and killed at point blank range, by his very best friend.
I still remember after returning to treatment, in an attempt to 'get healthy', standing on a desolate knoll in the Arizona desert, screaming at the top of my lungs, "WHY?"
That word still rings in my head nearly every day. I have no answer.
I believe that I was born with a strong core. I also believe that God must have had a purpose for me to live despite what I put my body through.
I entered the River Centre Clinic on January 21, 2002, knowing that if I didn't recover 'this time', I would die. At the time, I wasn't even sure I wanted to live.
From that moment up until this day, my life has changed in nearly every way possible. Summarily, it's all for the good. Looking back, I know I am who I am today because of the sum of my experiences. Eloquent...NO! Just true.
The past decade has been the decade of LIFE for me. A sort of rebirth. Feeling the grief and loss of my dear son, yet feeling the joys and passions that live in me. I can't have one without the other. I love BIG. I cry often. I laugh even more often :)
I know who I am. I accept who I am. I don't equate my body with who I am..finally!
Amazing people fill my world. I can be ME with them and they love me. I am never lonely even when I am alone. I get angry about injustice, and I cry when I see a baby.
I know what it is to love someone totally...to be IN love.....heart, soul and mind. I am amazed by the depths of my love every day.
I very seldom use the phrase, "I'm sorry" because I no longer feel as if I shouldn't 'be'.
I am not afraid anymore. I am not perfect..sigh.
I am alive. Without apology.
Happy 2010!!!

Self Awareness and Developing Your True Identity

Do you think you would be different in any way, had your life been interrupted by a life-threatening eating disorder? Do you think your view of yourself would be impacted by this experience? I’d like to share with you how your self-awareness and identity can be affected, either temporarily or permanently, if you suffer from an eating disorder.
1. IMPORTANT FACTORS IN RECOVERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER
Self-awareness, especially on an emotional level, takes time and introspection. It’s a dynamic process, lasting throughout a person’s lifetime. Some people may develop a deeper understanding of themselves than others for a variety of reasons. These reasons may include their family dynamics while growing up; experiences with relationships, friendships, and social interactions; religious convictions; or if their personality tends to be more obsessive or perfectionist. These can be important factors in a person’s level of self-awareness. Further, I believe that there are some people who are more naturally “tuned in”, and able to understand themselves more fully on a higher level.
Upon developing an eating disorder, the level of self-awareness becomes compromised when compared to the self-understanding before the onset of the disorder. As the disorder continues and worsens, it becomes more complex; many fears and doubts begin to form causing further confusion about identity. As the eating disorder identity broadens to consume more aspects of life, more and more of the former identity may slip away, or lie dormant.
During the intense phases of the disorder, true self-awareness isn’t possible. The ability to think clear, rational thoughts becomes nearly impossible due to the affects of starvation. When suffering from an eating disorder, self-awareness is usually limited to the most basic needs for survival, and even at that, it becomes clouded in terms of one’s own physical well-being. Awareness of self is restricted to only who you are in the realm of your disease, strictly on the outside, and what is perceived to be obvious to others.
Self-criticism and the belief that one is never “good enough” are often exhibited by fear and isolation. At this point, there is an awareness manifested by thoughts of being bad, wrong, or imperfect; all of these thoughts lead to a lack of awareness of true self. I have found that true self-awareness involves accepting yourself, being confident with whom you are, and having the motivation to keep moving forward. This requires an honest evaluation of yourself, psychologically and emotionally, and being willing and able to reach out for support and input from others. It may be difficult to accept imperfection within oneself, but the reality is that no one is perfect. This mindset is much more complex when suffering from an eating disorder. The thought of possibly being imperfect usually causes great fear. It may equate to a loss of control, being a failure or a “bad” person, and it may bring on a sense of danger or impending doom. To the anorexic, the ability to be “perfect” is a convoluted form of self-protection.
When in recovery from an eating disorder, the hardest part is breaking away from the obsessive mindset, in order to begin to focus on thoughts, feelings and true self-analysis. The first step, weight restoration, can be the key to unlocking the rational and teachable part of your brain. Learning about yourself requires taking risks, and a willingness to reveal parts of yourself which you may have kept hidden for a very long time. It’s a process which requires time to begin to fit the pieces together, and at a certain point, becomes more of an exciting discovery. Acceptance of who you truly are, in the process of recovery, is necessary for continued progress.
How does self-awareness differ from how you evaluate self-worth? The concept of “self” may be based more on:
· Judgment and criticism associated with your accomplishments
· Self-denial
· How well controlled you consider yourself to be
· How well you control the world around you
Most likely, the anorexic wants these “virtues” to be noticed by key people in their life. They may feel stronger because they have the will power not to eat, the ability to lose weight, or because they can somehow survive on less sleep. Fewer needs equates to more strength or control. They may determine their worth solely on inner strength, outward accomplishments and self-control.
My own self-awareness increased drastically as I recovered from a long history of anorexia. A major difference is that I can now accept my imperfections, or my humanness, including my physical characteristics (weight, size, shape, etc.) as well as who I am inside: emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. I don’t consider myself as inadequate or mentally ill anymore. Additionally, my definitions of “perfect” and “imperfect” have completely changed. I don’t believe that perfection exists, so therefore there cannot be imperfection. In the past, my own attempts for perfection only led to feelings of self-hatred, failure, and unhealthy coping methods. As I have become aware of these things, I also realize that I can use my new awareness and acceptance of myself to move forward in my life, to face my future with a positive outlook, and to develop meaningful and lasting relationships with special people in my life on all levels. I feel a new confidence in knowing who I am, and in my ability to contribute to relationships.
2. IDENTITY
“The set of behavioral or personal characteristics by which an individual is recognizable.”
The desire for the “anorexic identity” can be an enormous factor in the development and maintenance of anorexia and the reconstructive task of recovery. Even before the onset of the anorexic disease process and associated behaviors, there will be doubt and confusion about identity. Several factors often add to the confusion in this matter, especially for women. Parental teaching and expectations, sometimes pertaining to gender roles in society, or religious teachings, can cause conflict with regard to individual beliefs and life goals. The influence of society and the emphasis that is put on the importance of outward beauty and physical perfection can trigger guilt and lowered self-esteem. In an over-controlled environment, the desire to gain control becomes all-important. Developmental instructions that mandate how one “should be” or moral concepts that dictate what one “should believe” lead to the conclusion that all things can be determined to be either good or bad.
Interpretations of good and bad may vary among different people, but being “good” usually means being people-pleasing, conflict avoidant, and maintaining emotional and physical self-control. Emotional self-control commonly involves denying any feelings and emotions. Physical self-control focuses on body perfection, which is displayed in society as the ultimate goal and achievement. When suffering from anorexia, there is a need for control and the search for perfection evolves into restricting food, losing weight, exercising, and other forms of bodily control. The lack of clear identity, along with the obsessive nature of the disorder, often results in isolation in order to protect oneself from scrutiny or judgment.
When your weight loss becomes obvious, the positive reactions from others strengthens personal resolve and fuels the belief that this is good and acceptable, i.e., more “perfect”. This may be viewed as self-control and strength. As an anorexic, this promotes the feeling of pride and accomplishment which will likely encourage thoughts to continue to prove self worth and strength by physical, emotional, and psychological denial. When acceptable and successful in others’ eyes, this is deemed to be “good”. To an anorexic, “bad” is synonymous with weakness, and may be applied to eating, weight gain, cleanliness (germs), impulsiveness, lack of self-control, displaying emotions, and allowing oneself joy and pleasure. A convincing argument could even be formulated that if one’s life isn’t difficult and painful, then you aren’t working hard enough.
Over time, this anorexic identity strengthens as individuality diminishes, and you are unable to have a rational view of yourself. It becomes increasingly more important that others notice your weight loss in order to uphold that anorexic identity, even when it becomes obvious that weight loss has reached a dangerous level. The numerous psychological factors involved in the maintenance of anorexia may each take on their own personal identity. It’s terrifying, as an anorexic, to imagine letting go of that identity; there is perceived emptiness without it, along with loss and loneliness. This often leads to desperation in thinking:
· Who am I without it?
· How do I find out who I am?
· Will I like who I am?
· Will others like who I am?
This is a process of discovery, and it can not be hurried. But it can be encouraged by being willing to take risks in exploring your values, reaching out for support, and by challenging your past beliefs.
In my experience after many years of maintaining the disease and not being successful in numerous attempts at recovery, I felt no pride or accomplishment in that identity. For years, my “anorexic” identity had been seen by everyone around me, but I felt shame and guilt for continuing to be sick. I hid my body and pretended that I was fine. I wanted out of the prison I had built, and I wanted to adopt a new identity, yet fear had me immobilized, and I knew no way out. As I began to recover, giving up that identity wasn’t as hard as I had expected. Because that identity had become a source of shame for me, I desperately wanted something better for my life. I also made the decision not to return to the environment I had come from, so I didn’t have the same issues that others might have of people noticing and commenting on the physical changes they saw in me. I did however, feel great fear about what my identity would be without anorexia. I knew myself no other way.
During recovery, the first and most important issue that I addressed was weight restoration and maintenance; normal brain function had to be restored. On a daily basis, weight stability has been the key to allowing me to discover my true identity. I feared at first that I would have to develop or create an identity, which seemed overwhelming, until I realized that I had an identity before anorexia. I had to do a lot of hard work to recover and understand it. Recovery is a process which requires repeated times of letting go and allowing yourself to become who you really are. I have acquired an understanding and belief that worth is not earned, nor is it something that is developed. Worth is something that is realized along with the development of an identity outside of anorexia, including the social skills to contribute to meaningful relationships, and the acceptance of who you are as a person. This requires taking risks, a commitment to examining who you are as a person, and patience. I now find strength in having true control over my disease, trusting my own decisions, and by refusing to use past coping skills.
Developing and maintaining an identity is a life-long process, as you grow, change, live, and learn. Life’s experiences, and how you deal with them, also influence who you are. At this point in my recovery, I have learned a lot about who I am, and I am able to accept myself, flaws and all! I have become comfortable with my body size, and when I feel discomfort, I am aware that it is not about my body, but that something emotional is going on, and I’m not dealing with it in the healthiest way. Now that I know what maintaining a healthy weight has given me, I’m not willing to sacrifice that. My weight is no longer who I am.

Random Snippets.....

Breaking Benjamin concert...Wednesday night...

I'm preparing to drive four hours today to Indianapolis. My Christmas gift to my son Matt is to attend a concert with him (his idea). Breaking Benjamin and two or three additional bands??? Should be interesting.....:)It's actually pretty amazing that he wants me to go with him, for several reasons. It was only 5-6 years ago that I could not be around him for fear of my own safety. His anger and grief over his brother's death, combined with me leaving and divorcing his Father caused extreme turmoil between us. I won't even try to describe it all. I'd like to forget. But what is so wonderful about this is that he WANTS to be with me, and he knows that I am now truly alive and able to enjoy doing things with him (even this concert ?? :). I missed out on so many of these types of things while he was growing up. One of his worst memories (and mine), he has told me, is me being in a wheelchair while we were at DisneyWorld. I was too weak to walk around the park due to my eating disorder. He was about 7 years old, and he has told me how humiliating it was for him. I have forgiven myself (but it took a long time), and now, I can only hope that by making new and more joyful memories, those more painful ones will fall behind.

After....

First, I have not become a groupie...head banging, hot, sweaty, LOUD, but it was all worth it to be with Matt. I was thinking in the midst of it, that he and I have truly not had times of FUN together...it was like we all just 'got through' each day...makes me tear up. But last night....we were alive..BOTH of us! Not crazy (well, maybe a little :), but I could tell he was happy to be with me, and I think he was proud of me....maybe? He's really become such a sweet and caring man. He is so loveable..truly! I enabled him last night....paid for all the tickets AND a room for the night. I don't care. It's Christmas. Period.

Being alive....truly alive. I never knew it. I didn't think I wanted it. I was terrified of it!
I use to think that the Holidays were only about food. That's because that's all I could think about, and it was what I most feared. I would focus on 'just getting through it'....'survive this one, and it will be over'.....wishing time away.
I wished away over half of my life due to fear.
What have I learned? I WANT TO LIVE! I am experiencing life and I am not afraid!
Recovery has given me a new set of eyes, a new perspective on the world and my life. I look at experiences as just that-experiences-and I don't find myself 'just getting through', but living every moment for what it has to offer. Some moments don't offer much, or what I may experience is pain, grief, or sadness. Those moments have to happen, or else the moments of joy and true peace could never exist. Every other statement is not "I'm sorry", because I have learned to accept who I am, without apology.....HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

Challenges/Triggers-Stepping Stones to Recovery?

The title may seem odd, but it fits with my stream of thought at the moment...so why not? Among my on line 'sisters', there has been a lot of talk about 'triggers'. Do you try to avoid them or remove them from your life? If you think about it, 'triggers' are simply people, situations, advertisements, or statements that may cause us to feel the urge to act out in an eating disordered way. They are all part of LIFE. Unless you want to avoid living, which for me, is exactly why I LOVE being recovered....I AM living, you have to learn to deal with 'triggers' and decrease the power they may have once had over you.
I see a big similarity between challenges in recovery and triggers in everyday life. In fact, can't you pretty much interchange those two words in my statement?
The challenges in recovery are many. It comes down to NOT hiding from your fears, and facing them, doing whatever is required to take that next step. Each time you don't back down, you take power from your fear and the eating disorder, which you can use to take once again, that next step forward. How is this similar to dealing with 'triggers'?
When faced with what usually triggers you to have a symptom or put yourself down, which then may lead to self-harm or a symptom, the test is to not react, but to act, in the opposite direction. Think about how you can use the knowledge of how this affects you to change how it affects you. I am a firm believer that knowledge is power. Once you have knowledge, if you choose not to use it, you have no excuse. Along with this, once you are aware of what may 'trigger' unhealthy thoughts or behaviors, you can use this awareness as power to resist those past responses. This is much like ammunition against the eating disorder, and for recovery. You get to decide how you will use this ammunition...as a stepping stone to recovery, or as a step back into the prison of the eating disorder.
Knowledge of what my trigger you may be what saves you. Not because you avoid it, but because you learn how to arm yourself and not allow it to control you. Avoiding would be just what was accomplished by the eating disorder. How well does that work?
As with recovery challenges, if you never challenge those rules you had/have about eating, would you ever be free? Would you ever be recovered? Why settle for partial recovery, with a 50% chance of relapse?
NEVER GIVE UP!! FULL RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE!! Without apology.....