Friday, December 24, 2010

As 2010 Draws to a Close.....

You know when you put something off for so long, it gets harder and harder to go back to it? Well, here it is, Christmas Eve, and I haven't written here for way too long, but it's time for an update, so....
My life has changed dramatically even in the two years since I began writing this Blog. Wow!
I started off, still 'in recovery', but wanting to write about my own experiences, with the hope that others would find hope and believe in recovery for themselves. I hope that has been the case. As I have read my posts from the beginning up to the ones more recently (well, not so recently! :), I can see that much has changed, and even more so, 'between the lines'.
For a while, I thought about closing out the Blog, but I don't want to do that, and I'm not sure that anything on the Internet disappears anyway! ♥
Today I'd like to reflect and share about some of the truly unbelievable things that are happening in my life, and how every day is still such a special gift.
My perspective on my life comes from a new place now. I don't think in terms of 'being recovered', even though I am, but I am simply living my life, fully and with abundant energy.
My years of 'experience' of being ill or in recovery have definitely played a huge part in who I have become, but I truly don't focus on that so much anymore.
I value that part of myself, and I have no shame or reluctance about sharing it when appropriate, but I have moved on. I am in an entirely new place in my life, and I am loving every minute of it!
Because I am working at The River Centre Clinic now, putting in about 50 hours a week at the least, my life revolves around this, which continues to amaze me!
My days fly by, with duties ranging from Nursing, coordinating the admissions, doing all of the assessments, and having patients of my own to follow while they are in treatment, not to mention all of the 'in the moment' things that come up. My point? I could NEVER have imagined being able to do what I am doing, let alone working alongside the very professionals who helped to save my life. Yes, I am 'disclosing' some things here, but not much that most of you reading this don't know. This is a Blog, right?
The fact that I had an eating disorder rarely comes up. I use to think that recovery would be my only identity....because I myself could not identify with anything but the eating disorder, treatment or recovery.
I am thrilled to tell you all that there is life beyond an eating disorder, and even life beyond recovery...if that makes sense!
I love to write, but for a very long time it was also my only outlet. I wrote to process, and it was a very integral part of my recovery. Now? I find that I don't NEED to write, and I often am at a loss as to what to write about unless I am answering a question, or responding to a need expressed on the support site that I monitor.
I don't see a therapist because I don't need to! Imagine that ♥
I remember almost nine years ago, after I had been in treatment for a while, I made the remark (and was totally serious) that I would meal plan for the rest of my life if necessary to be 'well'. At that point I had no idea what 'well' meant. Hindsight has revealed to me that I probably said that because I believed that I would have to meal plan for the rest of my life in order to not be be 'well'.
I don't meal plan anymore, and I don't think about calories, in any respect. Many people believe that using a calorie based meal plan system will only cause one to become more obsessed with calories. For a time, that may be true...but being obsessed about eating ENOUGH is much different from being obsessed about not eating, or because one is literally starving.
The need to count calories will 'die a natural death'... in a good way, if a person doesn't stop meal planning too early.
Again, my point, I could never have believed that I could 'just eat', and my body would be healthy. It is true, a healthy body will protect it's set point.
I trust my body now. Whoa! I never thought I would think or admit that!
I also truly get hungry, and I don't feel guilty about it. I crave french fries of all foods!
And I eat them often :)
Not only am I no longer 'planning' my food intake, but I no longer need to plan my daily life, as a way to be in control. Yes, I need to be organized, but interruptions or spontaneous decisions are quite nice in my opinion. Life is not meant to be controlled to the point that there is no room to LIVE! Think about it.
What does 2011 hold for me? I do not know it all, but I do know that I will continue to live each day that I am given to the fullest, be it spending time with my dear husband, working to help others find their lives without an eating disorder, or chilling to the tunes of the Eagles with my cat on my lap....
Without apology ♥