Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Magical Thinking?

Is it possible to control your world to the point of avoiding all things frightening and spontaneous? For anyone who has or has ever had an eating disorder, they will know all about the magnanimous effort it takes to attempt to do this. Often, a person who is suffering from an eating disorder, or one who suffers from OCD, obsessiveness, or anxiety, will also develop a certain pattern of thinking, in an attempt to find a solution for their life that feels safe. Because all of these disorders or conditions involve an attempt to avoid discomfort or pain, the aspect of 'magical thinking' may occur with all.
Think about the rules and rituals that often accompany an eating disorder. We feel a desperate need to ALWAYS do certain things, and NEVER do other certain things. I believe it all comes back to a need for certainty and an attempt to control our environment....an avoidance of harm or pain. We truly believe that by following a certain routine, using a special spoon or plate, cutting our food into certain sized pieces, chewing each bite a certain number of times, etc., we can prevent pain or harm from coming our way.
If you think about it, it's very dichotomous. On the one hand, we feel unworthy, weak, incapable, bad, or any number of other negative labels.
But...for some reason, we feel almost superior in our ability to control our environment to the point of controlling destiny.
If we do this, that will happen (or won't happen). If we don't do this, that won't happen (or will happen). It's a maddening way to live, and it keeps one totally imprisoned. There is only one way in our minds when this takes over. Our way. But the reality is, our way is slowly killing us.
Magical thinking?
Today, for me, magical thinking is simple. There is no perfect, so I don't have to be perfect. That's pretty magical to me! I can't control what happens in this world, but I can choose to live each day to the fullest, and to take the best possible care of myself along the way. When I look at my husband, the love I feel is magical. Being able to cry is magical, as it also allows me to laugh and sing.
I'm not running away anymore!!

No comments:

Post a Comment