Friday, October 2, 2009

Reflective Vacation

A week ago tomorrow morning, we left for the airport to fly to Las Vegas. How can you predetermine what a vacation will be like? You can't, but we both knew FOR SURE that we needed some time away together. Ahh....
I began this vacation tired. Tired of the daily responsibilities of life, and tired of preparing for time away. Why does that happen? Yet, I was excited to be getting away for a change of pace and some time with just Dave. Ahh....
We are sitting in the airport, and I see this young man...he's probably 16 or 17, dark-haired, tall, with those ruddy-looking cheeks I remember so well....just like Tim. My eyes welled up, and I tried to distract myself. He's on our flight.
I was finishing a book about a young girl with a congenital disease. Her Mother fought hard and sacrificed her entire family's happiness to gain support and financial help for her...only to have the girl die a year later by accidentally drowning in a nearby pond. Tragic. I sobbed...for Tim. Why couldn't he be with me, going on vacation, growing up to laugh, fall in love, and continue to be his special silly self? And Matt, sitting in jail, none of us knowing his future.
Is it OK for ME to be happy? To laugh? To fall in love? To be silly? Why did my boys have to miss out because I was sick? No answer. Life isn't fair.
We arrived in Las Vegas, hurry down to claim our luggage, and there he is. Standing with his parents. My eyes are filling with tears. What would he do if I ran up and hugged him? I would probably be arrested. So I cry. Why are my emotions so 'right here' when we are beginning our vacation?
We were in Las Vegas for three nights. We had a wonderful time, laughing, loving and enjoying our time away. We had the lunch buffet at the Mirage. Hundreds of foods to choose from. I loved it, and could never have done it even two years ago. No fear. Ahh...
I continued to think often of my boys and wish I could take them both on vacation. Maybe I can take Matt someplace, I only hope that Tim knows my heart. He does.
Driving to San Diego I am enthralled at the beauty of our Earth, and I am filled with gratitude for the life I have been given, for the love I feel for Dave, for my health, and for the wonderful friends I have.
San Diego. The Zoo. The beauty of the foliage nearly made me high. I took more pictures of flower blossoms than I did of animals. I loved every moment. Why did it take so long for me to come alive?
I see all the little children, and I regret that I missed those moments with my boys. Pregnant women. An impossible dream that is forever past. If I controlled the Universe, I would be pregnant and give birth to a daughter. But I don't, and I won't.
Combing the beaches and climbing the rocks along the shore. Another gift of recovery. True amazement at the beauty of life and this Earth. I have strength. I can climb. I smile a LOT!! Ahh...
Tonight we are going out for some fresh seafood and our last night in San Diego. Matt was released from jail on Thursday. The facility is overcrowded. What a strange world. I want to take him someplace magical for a vacation. Ahh...
We have today. No guarantees beyond this moment. What am I waiting for?


  1. Dear Jan
    I could feel your pain for the los of your son and the questioning the future of your other son.I could never omagine the pain.Im sorry that these things have happened in your life.Even though we can look strong inside we are hurting.I hope and pray for you and youe son and hope he can accept the help he needs to deal with what he is struggling with.I posted this on my facebook page..I believe that everything happens for a reason..even if we don't see or understand the direction it takes us!Even though we would never wish that these tragic things that happen in our lives ..somehow we learn from them.You are in my prayers Jan.
    Love Grace!

  2. Thank you Grace. I'm not usually so 'reflective' with my Blog posts, but I was just feeling these things so strongly. Your support and prayers mean so much to me...Love, Jan

  3. Hi Jan,

    It's Jen Monroe :) I'm not a regular reader to this blog, but I will become one. What you write is very real and beautiful.
    In smaller ways, I understand regret and a desire to re-live the past. I suppose accepting that feeling for what it is, and remembering it as we live our present is all one can do.

    Keep writing! It's helpful to readers too :)