Monday, December 28, 2009

The Last Decade

Do any of you remember all the frenzy right before the year 2000 turned over? We thought all the computers in the world would crash, or worse, that our water supply would be tainted, etc., so people were buying up water for reserve, filling up their bathtubs, and the fear was high.
It was all uncertain. No one really knew what to expect, but the unknown held dark demons.
As I'm thinking today about the coming year, 2010, I reflect back upon all that this last decade (wow!) has held for me and my life. Of course, none of the fears of the year 2000 came to pass, and our world has continued to produce, explore, and invent, new and better (?) electronic devices. The turn of the century didn't mark the end of the world as we know it...for the most part.
But for me, in ways that were completely unknown and unexpected, this decade HAS marked the end of the world as I had known it for the first 44 years of my life.
I had just began my career as a RN at the beginning of this decade. I had barely survived Nursing School, not only in terms of passing my classes, but literally by surviving alive. I was spiraling down once again in weight and bargaining in my mind that tomorrow would be different..finally. Each day became more difficult.
In May of 2001, I was working at my third facility, after only 5 months earlier, nearly dying from strep pneumonia and sepsis. I liked my job in the ER, although it was hard work. It is a miracle that I was able to do my job.
I went back into treatment for anorexia in May, only to leave the second week of June to bury my 17 year old son. Tim was accidentally shot and killed at point blank range, by his very best friend.
I still remember after returning to treatment, in an attempt to 'get healthy', standing on a desolate knoll in the Arizona desert, screaming at the top of my lungs, "WHY?"
That word still rings in my head nearly every day. I have no answer.
I believe that I was born with a strong core. I also believe that God must have had a purpose for me to live despite what I put my body through.
I entered the River Centre Clinic on January 21, 2002, knowing that if I didn't recover 'this time', I would die. At the time, I wasn't even sure I wanted to live.
From that moment up until this day, my life has changed in nearly every way possible. Summarily, it's all for the good. Looking back, I know I am who I am today because of the sum of my experiences. Eloquent...NO! Just true.
The past decade has been the decade of LIFE for me. A sort of rebirth. Feeling the grief and loss of my dear son, yet feeling the joys and passions that live in me. I can't have one without the other. I love BIG. I cry often. I laugh even more often :)
I know who I am. I accept who I am. I don't equate my body with who I am..finally!
Amazing people fill my world. I can be ME with them and they love me. I am never lonely even when I am alone. I get angry about injustice, and I cry when I see a baby.
I know what it is to love someone be IN love.....heart, soul and mind. I am amazed by the depths of my love every day.
I very seldom use the phrase, "I'm sorry" because I no longer feel as if I shouldn't 'be'.
I am not afraid anymore. I am not perfect..sigh.
I am alive. Without apology.
Happy 2010!!!

1 comment:

  1. Happy 2010 to you too!! You are an inspiration!