Thursday, December 3, 2009

Leap of Faith

I love this picture! I took it on our vacation this past September during our tour around the San Diego Zoo. Talk about perfect timing!! This beautiful beast was posed and ready to take a dive just as the tour bus we were riding in was the two seconds following this moment, he took the plunge, diving head first, deep into the water....what a show!! These are the experiences that I cherish as I live my days as a recovered person. While I was sick, being at the Zoo, having this opportunity to witness such a thing would never have interested me. I had no strength or energy to focus or feel.
I found during my treatment and true recovery that there were several moments at which I had to take that 'leap of faith' in order to move forward. I had to trust that what was ahead would be better. It required faith that the outcome would be better, or at least not worse than what I had been, and was experiencing. Bottom line, a change had to occur, and because my own decisions about recovery or staying sick had not worked, I had to do things that were uncertain and very frightening.
As I said, I knew that MY decisions had not gotten me anywhere, so it became a matter of that the professionals knew more than I did about what I needed. That was a hard one for a person who had somehow, in my mind, maintained control for many many years. During that time I thought I was staving off what I perceived to be the worst possible consequences. But truth be told, my 'control' only kept me sick for over 35 years. What I know now I did not know then, obviously.
This brings to mind something not related, but yet, possibly related...
From a young age I was terrified to do a somersault..yeah, a forward roll, as it was referred to in gym class. I would get in position, but I could never get past the fear of taking that 'leap of faith'. I do not know to this day what I was afraid of, but I was 27 years old before my husband then took me by surprise and pushed me on over. I almost hyperventilated. Yet, I felt a certain degree of success, like I had conquered some great obstacle. Yet, I have never done it again. I have no reason to. It's not important.
During recovery, many times I had to 'trust' others and eat enough to gain weight. I had to allow tubes to pump liquid feedings into my body. These were my earlier attempts at recovery. I realize now that I never really trusted, and my many efforts at manipulation are evidence of that. I never really took that 'leap of faith' to continue to pursue the truths for my life.
Coming to River Centre Clinic in January of 2002, on my own, against the 'best' wishes of my husband and family was a huge leap of faith, but more than that, it was a desperate attempt to save my own life. Yet still, I faced many more moments when I had to take that 'leap' once again. Accepting that I had to trust the professionals with decisions about food and weight, etc., took a leap of faith, and there were days when I felt like I had leaped beyond 'safety', but I always survived. Another quite drastic, but life-saving 'leap' was my decision to divorce my husband of over 29 years. This was, what I believe the true beginning of freedom from my eating disorder, not because this man had caused it, but because the only thing holding our marriage together was my eating disorder...and vice verse. and honest...revealing myself, without apology (I so love that phrase!!)....another very frightening, but so rewarding in the end, leap of faith. I was certain that I would never be accepted, that I had nothing to offer to anyone, that I would never 'measure up'. What I found was that with every 'leap' I took, my confidence increased, and I was stronger and ready to face the next 'leap'.
Today, as I strive to face life 'without apology' and with anticipation instead of fear, I often take the 'leap', because I now have a passion for life, and total intent to live my life fully, without fear.

No comments:

Post a Comment