Friday, December 18, 2009

Random Snippets.....

Breaking Benjamin concert...Wednesday night...

I'm preparing to drive four hours today to Indianapolis. My Christmas gift to my son Matt is to attend a concert with him (his idea). Breaking Benjamin and two or three additional bands??? Should be interesting.....:)It's actually pretty amazing that he wants me to go with him, for several reasons. It was only 5-6 years ago that I could not be around him for fear of my own safety. His anger and grief over his brother's death, combined with me leaving and divorcing his Father caused extreme turmoil between us. I won't even try to describe it all. I'd like to forget. But what is so wonderful about this is that he WANTS to be with me, and he knows that I am now truly alive and able to enjoy doing things with him (even this concert ?? :). I missed out on so many of these types of things while he was growing up. One of his worst memories (and mine), he has told me, is me being in a wheelchair while we were at DisneyWorld. I was too weak to walk around the park due to my eating disorder. He was about 7 years old, and he has told me how humiliating it was for him. I have forgiven myself (but it took a long time), and now, I can only hope that by making new and more joyful memories, those more painful ones will fall behind.


First, I have not become a groupie...head banging, hot, sweaty, LOUD, but it was all worth it to be with Matt. I was thinking in the midst of it, that he and I have truly not had times of FUN was like we all just 'got through' each day...makes me tear up. But last night....we were alive..BOTH of us! Not crazy (well, maybe a little :), but I could tell he was happy to be with me, and I think he was proud of me....maybe? He's really become such a sweet and caring man. He is so loveable..truly! I enabled him last night....paid for all the tickets AND a room for the night. I don't care. It's Christmas. Period.

Being alive....truly alive. I never knew it. I didn't think I wanted it. I was terrified of it!
I use to think that the Holidays were only about food. That's because that's all I could think about, and it was what I most feared. I would focus on 'just getting through it'....'survive this one, and it will be over'.....wishing time away.
I wished away over half of my life due to fear.
What have I learned? I WANT TO LIVE! I am experiencing life and I am not afraid!
Recovery has given me a new set of eyes, a new perspective on the world and my life. I look at experiences as just that-experiences-and I don't find myself 'just getting through', but living every moment for what it has to offer. Some moments don't offer much, or what I may experience is pain, grief, or sadness. Those moments have to happen, or else the moments of joy and true peace could never exist. Every other statement is not "I'm sorry", because I have learned to accept who I am, without apology.....HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

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