Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Pieces of April

April is a beautiful month which can signify hope and new growth. April 2010 is blossoming into an even more exciting and beautiful month for me.
I am juggling many responsibilities, and LOVING every minute of it!! I did however, realize last night that I needed to put a couple of things 'on hold' for a while so that I could focus on my 'pieces of April'.
THE primary outside focus I have right now is the countdown to the NEDA Walk. Taking this on was an act of sheer faith (and insanity perhaps :), but the experience has been and continues to be one of the most rewarding thus far in my career of recovery! That's an entirely separate post in itself. 18/19 days and counting folks!!
I am preparing to embark on an opportunity that has been a dream of mine for several years. For this I am not only incredibly grateful, but I am in a state of amazement as well. More on this as it unfolds....:)
In the midst of the preparations for the Walk and continuing to support and mentor my lovely friends on supportgoups.com, I do feel a heaviness unfolding. It's inevitable.
A week from this coming Saturday would be my youngest son's 26th birthday, were he alive today. My last memory of him is of May 28, 2001, Memorial Day. He visited me while I was in treatment in Arizona, which turned out to be 10 days before he was accidentally shot to death by his best friend. I can't begin to describe the memories and scenes that to this day flash through my head, but I can say that Tim's death has been the greatest loss in my life, far greater than the 37 years that were taken from me by anorexia. The tears I shed at this moment are ones of sadness, but I am now also able to CELEBRATE Tim's life in a way that he rightly deserves. I cry for the hole left in my heart by his absence, but I also grieve the experiences he never had.
I know that he sees me alive and healthy, and that knowledge inspires me daily. His last words to me were, "Mom, I just want you to get healthy".
That's my 'memory bouquet'.
I am crazy excited to ride my bike this year! This is the first year (because my back was nearly broken last year) that I am safe and healthy to take a ride bike in the evenings with my sweetie...um...that would be Dave :)
So....I will most likely have to deal with another birthday this year. For some reason, it always wants to show up near the end of April. I use to try to wish them away, which of course never worked, so now I celebrate ME....why not?
New (and established) friends will be sharing the Walk experience with me, coming from all corners of the country!! I am so very lucky!
Those are my ramblings on this quiet April afternoon.
I'd like to share the lyrics to this song. Some of you are too young to remember it, but I loved it in 1972 when Three Dog Night released it and I still do today...

April gave us springtime and the promise of the flowers
And the feeling that we both shared and the love that we called ours
We knew no time for sadness, that's a road we each had crossed
We were living a time meant for us, and even when it would rain
we would laugh it off.

I've got pieces of April, I keep them in a memory bouquet
I've got pieces of April, it's a morning in May
We stood on the crest of summer, beneath an oak that blossomed green
Feeling as I did in April, not really knowing what it means
But it must be then that you stand beside me now to make me feel this way

Just as I did in April, but it's a morning in May.
I've got pieces of April, I keep them in a memory bouquet
I've got pieces of April, but it's a morning in May
I've got pieces of April, I keep them in a memory bouquet
I've got pieces of April, but it's a morning in May

Without apology......for Tim♥


  1. Jan - I was so sorry to read about your son's death. I did not know. As the mother of two grown sons, I cannot imagine anything worse than losing a child - not even years of an eating disorder. My heart goes out to you.

    Good luck with the NEDA walk.

  2. Thank you Mara. I appreciate your constant and sincere support!! Take care..Jan