Some of you may know that my dear Mother-in-Law has been living with us since my Father-in-Law passed away last May. Her physical condition is fairly 'normal' for a 78yo, but her mind has become more similar to that of a 3yo over the past year or so.Today we have been forced to make the decision to place her in a residential home where she can be safe and they can care for her. I had hoped that we could hold off until she was completely unable to feel 'hurt' by this action, but I am not convinced that is the case.
Nevertheless, due to another episode today that left me with wall to wall human waste in her bedroom and our bathroom (sorry, but I COULD get more graphic), AND with her adamantly declaring that she didn't do it (?), plus, me straining my back trying to clean it all up, we have decided it's time.
The entire time she has lived with us I have questioned whether I have done my best to make her life as good as possible. I don't know that, but I do know I tried. I have fought internally with my emotions, especially in the last 5 months or so, as it's become more and more emotionally draining to deal with an adult 3yo, feeling guilt for the resentment, yet also knowing my emotions are 'normal'.
Fact: Dave's and my life has become more and more narrow as the days go by, not being able to go anywhere without her. More resentment..more guilt. Thankfully, we have had some brief moments (yesterday) to go and see a movie-just the two of us...thanks to Dave's daughter.
Today, since the morning disaster, I have barely been able to think about anything else. I know it's time, yet this brings up so many emotions. I love her dearly, but I have started to not 'like' her so much, you know? I hate to admit that.....
We have a place ready for her..they know her, and she knows them (or use to-when she and my FIL both lived there), and I will be visiting her many times a week. I know she will be cared for...so why am I crying?