Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Juggling the Numbers

The 'balancing act' with numbers, in terms of weight, calories, amount of exercise, etc., is a very confusing and obsessive aspect of nearly any eating disorder. It nearly drove me insane, quite literally, during the long years of my own illness.
I wanted things to 'balance out'. I wanted symmetry in my life, in ALL areas. I wanted control. None of these desires were truly possible nor rational in order to live life as a human being. Life is imperfect, as each of us are, but that 'need' felt real and very overwhelming.
This speaks directly to the common black/white thinking that many people struggle with who also suffer with an eating disorder. Living in the 'gray' area, with any level of uncertainty can literally cause feelings of desperation and doom.
I am speaking from my own experience.
While meticulous meal planning is a vital step in recovery, it will die a natural death as a person continues to practice consistency and balance in their eating, and follow their treatment recommendations. The time it takes is different for everyone, but getting to the point where one can trust their body (and their mind) to be accepting of food and their natural, healthy weight is critical.
The numbers will never 'balance', because in reality, life is not balanced, nor is it possible to balance that 'scale' (no pun intended).
This need speaks to a deeper insecurity and desire for safety and predictability. During my treatment and recovery, I managed some pretty dramatic 'gymnastics' in an effort to beat the natural tightly control. But eventually it all came back to simple honesty, and my ability to trust myself and those around me.
I am not a good juggler when it involves manipulation, which in this case, it did.
The freedom I enjoy now, with numbers not playing a role in how I live my daily life, is truly a miracle to me.
As always, I encourage all to stick to their treatment plan, meal plan as long as necessary, and you will know when you have developed the needed trust to test your 'wings'....always with professional guidance.

Without apology...♥

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