Monday, July 5, 2010


A very important tool throughout the main part of my recovery, was daily journaling. I was encouraged from the very beginning to write 'stream of thought', and to share my writing. I found over time that this served to 'empty' my mind somewhat of the thoughts that were constantly swirling about. My daily writing also began to help increase my awareness of myself, which was key for my recovery.
I continue to write a lot, but not in the same fashion. I no longer 'journal' as a means for personal growth, however I have learned that verbal expression works nearly as well for me....most of the time.
Today I need to write. I need to get some things 'out'. I need to process.
I am afraid. I have had a weekend of 'moments' and circumstances that have brought my own mortality and that of those whom I love, into very clear view. As a Christian, I don't doubt the afterlife, but I am afraid to die. Does this mean I don't really believe? I don't know. Is it fear of death, or fear of losing the life that I am finally able to live? Am I being too worldly? Do I treasure 'Earthly' things too much? I say no, but.....
Going to my hometown, where I lived the first 45 years of my life, always causes me to mourn my Father and my dear son Timothy, in a more 'real' way. It just does. I see my Mother growing older, slower, and unable to do many of the things she use to do. Time is passing, for her and for me. For all of us. In some ways this frightens me.
This weekend I learned of a tragic boating accident which took the life of a woman I knew in High School, and one of her grandsons (one of a set of triplets). These kinds of tragedies leave me angry, unsettled and fearful. The fear is similar to the feeling that surrounded me for months after Tim was killed. Life is unfair. We don't know what the next day or even hour will bring. We take far too much for granted.
The love of my life, my dear husband, has been struggling with health issues for about six weeks now. Strange symptoms that are not responding to medication, and that continue to worsen. He is not bedridden, and is obviously functioning, but something is wrong, and I am becoming more and more concerned, and yes, fearful.
I no longer have the extreme need to control, or to 'fix' things that I use to. But these situations are ones that are tugging at me, and I am unsettled. I can go on with my routine, laugh, enjoy my life, but I am questioning if I should be more prepared, put my life in order, so to speak, or is this simply the result of being a bit over tired and emotional?
While riding home last night I felt a heaviness. I sobbed through the song, "I Can Only Imagine" (I always do, but it was more intense), with images of myself being taken from this life....and then what?
I know I will get back into my daily routine, laugh, be in the moment, and life will go on, but, I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to lose an opportunity to tell someone I love them.
Thank you for reading.
As always, without apology...♥


  1. Jan, I will pray for your husbands return to health and for the burdens you bear to be lightened.

    Take care.

  2. Thank you Mara...I value your friendship! ♥